The divorce diet
A friend on here inspired me to write a tongue in cheek story about my divorce diet (I mentioned I lost 20 pounds during those times) and here's what came out. Maybe a little sadder than tongue in cheek, but here we go.
Take it from me, someone with experience in such matters. The divorce diet is unmatched in its effectiveness for major weight loss.
Because no matter how strong you might look on the outside, your insides are roiling. You're nauseous, and the thought of food makes you want to throw up. The thought of everything makes you want to throw up. You worry that you've fucked up your children. You don't know where you're going to live. You don't know how you're going to pay for all this. And your ex is being a real shit about every detail. They'll insist they need the snowblower, the mower and the vacuum and oh, they won't be able to make the car payments so you'll need to figure that one out too.
In the meantime, your jeans will get looser until one day you realize your clothes no longer fit. People will tell you you look amazing. They'll ask which GLP-1 you're on. You'll go out with friends and push your food around while concentrating on keeping your tears just behind your eyeballs and your stomach from heaving.
While you type emails to a lawyer agreeing to whatever items they want because at this point you don't care, stomach flipping because this is costing $80 per every 5 minutes it takes the lawyer to email you back saying you really should keep the vacuum and mower, and as your ex fights for the child custody they won't really show up for, that waist of yours will get tinier.
And when all agreements are made and a judge signs off ... an entire cheesecake will be in order. You'll deserve every bite, and it will all get better from there. :)
Take it from me, someone with experience in such matters. The divorce diet is unmatched in its effectiveness for major weight loss.
Because no matter how strong you might look on the outside, your insides are roiling. You're nauseous, and the thought of food makes you want to throw up. The thought of everything makes you want to throw up. You worry that you've fucked up your children. You don't know where you're going to live. You don't know how you're going to pay for all this. And your ex is being a real shit about every detail. They'll insist they need the snowblower, the mower and the vacuum and oh, they won't be able to make the car payments so you'll need to figure that one out too.
In the meantime, your jeans will get looser until one day you realize your clothes no longer fit. People will tell you you look amazing. They'll ask which GLP-1 you're on. You'll go out with friends and push your food around while concentrating on keeping your tears just behind your eyeballs and your stomach from heaving.
While you type emails to a lawyer agreeing to whatever items they want because at this point you don't care, stomach flipping because this is costing $80 per every 5 minutes it takes the lawyer to email you back saying you really should keep the vacuum and mower, and as your ex fights for the child custody they won't really show up for, that waist of yours will get tinier.
And when all agreements are made and a judge signs off ... an entire cheesecake will be in order. You'll deserve every bite, and it will all get better from there. :)
