My dad isn't showing any sign of improvement yet, as expected... 🙄

Some of you may wonder why I haven't cut contact completely yet. I have considered that, especially after my sister did for the same treatment, but there's a few reasons not to:

1) Although I have near zero expectations for him to ever be truly interested in my experiences and thoughts, I'm afraid I'll keep wondering what could have been if I hadn't shut him out. By continuing to give him more chances than anyone deserves, I know for sure it's not my fault nothing ever came off the ground.

2) The only way he knows how to show love is by giving money. Being disabled, finances are tight and I don't know how I'd fare without his financial contributions while he's still alive and monetary heritage when he passes.

3) Despite near zero expectations, I would still like a meaningful connection. I also do believe his intentions are good, despite it not working out one bit. Maybe he'll see the light on his death bed and will turn into a genuinely good father during his last days. If that happens, I would want to be part of that to at least make up for some of the neglect he's shown during the rest of his life, regardless of whether that was due to incompetence or lack of caring.

Oh man...I know this all so well and not due to family things.

I get this *all* the time from people who tell me they are great listeners. Fun fact: they aren't.

Most conversations I have that aren't with my coworkers or my bestie consist of one or two questions about me and my day/life with short, usually one word responses and then an hour of them telling me about themselves and me replying to their stories.

It's exhausting and frankly, dehumanizing. I'm just a thing to journal to, not actually be interested in. It gets to the point you just don't even want to speak with them anymore.

I get why you haven't gone no contact. Support is hard to find, either emotionally or financially and sometimes, you have to pay the price for what you get in return. If he isn't giving you the emotional support you need, at least he is supplying financial support. I would view that as your tax for dealing with him.

It took, me a while to learn i would never have a meaningful relationship with my mom because she is too far into herself that she literally can't see what others need or want from her. She believes that by simply talking to you, she is fulfilling that, even while she's doing the exact opposite. I realized she can't give me a meaningful connection because she has no idea what one looks like or has any interest in finding out what that means to me.

It’s quite likely that he just doesn’t have the capacity you’re looking for.
He was raised in an entirely different world, with a very different set of rules.

Have you ever stopped for a second and tried to hear the lesson of those pesky “ I, I, I” stories.

I find it a tad bit unfair, that we as people are out there judging and condemning older generations by trying to drag them out of what we consider to be close to stupor.

Basically punishing them for being who and what they were raised to be. For using modern day emotional blackmail against them for the way they’ve been hard wired in their brains with no real chance of changing in the ways we’d like them to.
He probably grew up in a place where children are meant to be seen and never heard. Especially with something emotional coming from a boy…


Life is hard for everyone and everyone has their own challenges to face. Some people have a limit to growth and emotional awareness.

But unless he’s outright hurting you with what he says, it’s my own personal opinion that perhaps you just scale back your expectations of reciprocal emotional interaction on your own level of emotional maturity and just accept him as he is…

Because I’d bet my last dollar it does hurt him.

And if you’re willing to hurt your dad then maybe he is a really bad guy?

But who am I?
I’m nobody….

Best of luck.

I had a similar thought about my mother once. Then I thought there was a time when all I did was scream and cried and asked to be fed. I didn't care about her needs and all I wanted was for my meefscro be met.
She met my needs then. For many many years.

Now she's old and I get to listen to her needs and lectures.

That's just how it works.

Mine was an alcoholic sociopath who abused me for 20 years. Someone once tried to choke me to death and all he asked was if I started it.

Sorry - I don't know much about your situation, but will share random thoughts because for the last 15 years of my Dad's lfe he had aphasia - and being together was really enough...in that case, I did all the talking...

I guess he doesn't know how to listen...to you..maybe he only likes to talk...If you can accept that, and let him talk...maybe he'll finally get to what he wants to tell you...

Does he manage a lot of people? Maybe he's accustomed to being in charge, the only one talking?

Do you ask for advise?

Being together might be enough?

How much time do you spend together?

What is it, a soap opera set in a shop??? 🤔🤔🤔

You believe that his intentions are good.
That, to me, means everything.
He's an imperfect person, like so many of us are. Still, he has good intentions!
Accept what he's capable of, respect him, even. He's the only father you have.

In general, Ive noticed the same behavior in much older people. My uneducated opinion is after years and years of giving of themselves and putting others first (work, providing for the family, spouse, etc..) that they eventually just decide ...it's time for everything to be about me. Im not saying its right or trying to offer an excuse. Simply an observation and an opinion.

Obviously, this is very generic and every person / situation s different.

My brothers have noticed this with our dad too. He just doesn't seem to respond to anything they tell him about their lives, and does exactly what you dad does - starts talking about himself

Seems kinda anti social doesn't i🤷‍♀