I Admire My Mother

My relationship with my mother was... complicated to say the least.
The thing is, my mother had Paranoid Schizophrenia. It took a toll on every aspect in her life. Young me used to hate her for it. I used to tell myself,write in my diary, [i]why is my mom this way?[/i]
I looked at my other friends' mothers and wished she was like them. I used to envy every one of them.
But I was too stupid to realise how much she truly loved me. I only realised it after she passed away.
I realised that she was the only one who supported me in my decisions. She was the only shoulder I looked to cry one when I was upset. She was the only one who encouraged me and motivated me. Despite all the fights we got in, every time I didn't understand her, every time her Schizophrenia acted up, she loved me like hell.

I love you, mom. Please forgive me for all the hard times I gave you as a child 💙

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argav83 · 36-40, M

you were young and sometimes its just too much to understand and deal with. It's really good and admirable that you have self realization for that now and you can learn from your past experience and do a lot of good and may be even help others who go through same sort of problems. You need to deal with your guilt that it wont affect your life in any negative way. Take care of yourself and love yourself like your mother would have.

LucyLove · 22-25, F

@argav83 Thank you :) I'd be lying if I said I don't feel guilty about the way that I treated her. But then again, I really didn't know anything about her illness.

argav83 · 36-40, M

@LucyLove Having guilt is normal after we lose someone very close. But u gotta move forward. Pain just makes us think about the wrong we did regardless of the reasons that it was never intentional and fact is we all make mistakes. I don't know about it but what you said above shows how much you loved her and still love her. You made some mistakes but it's okay. Be positive and though sometimes you need to deal with these memories all alone which is understandable, talk to your friends or whomever you feel comfortable sharing your life with to lessen the burden. It's healthy to take help when needed. Take care.