Weird post :p
This is one of those posts I don’t want to write because essentially it’s like putting a target on my forehead that says “I’m a weirdo judge me.” But I’ve spent my life trying to understand and Gemini has helped me a lot to realize that when you have triggers, it is the result of trauma even if you don’t exactly know what happened. I don’t remember much of my childhood at all. Anyways, I am intensely triggered by mother/son sexual abuse. I will cry, break down, have a panic attack. And it can be the littlest thing. A joke even. In my mind, it’s always bad. I’ve listed some of the things I remember about my childhood and I’ll list some of them. I know my mother and I have an emeshed relationship. So we’re too close, we don’t have boundaries. She’ll barge in on me in the bathroom while I bathe and I’m 29.
As a child, I know I got messed up because we’d play dolls. She was my girlfriend, and I’d tell her my characters mom touched him (in a graphic way). I was very young and shouldn’t know about any of that stuff. I specifically remember telling her that and we kept playing. If you weren’t guilty, I’d think you’d want to get your child help. Anyways, as I’ve said, I slept in her bed until 14 and I was touched in my sleep, (I remember that). I woke with my clothes undone, told my mom in a fit of rage and she just ignored it. Another thing I remember is we’d watch horror movies that had graphic sexual scenes in them and she wouldn’t fast forward. She would laugh at me and it upset me so much I’d leave the room. Again, I was a child. She also would bathe with me and have me watch her wash herself.
I’m trying to understand why I’m so triggered. Like what she did to me because I can’t remember. But it’s completely ruined my life. I am a walking trigger. I still haven’t told my therapist. I just can’t.
As a child, I know I got messed up because we’d play dolls. She was my girlfriend, and I’d tell her my characters mom touched him (in a graphic way). I was very young and shouldn’t know about any of that stuff. I specifically remember telling her that and we kept playing. If you weren’t guilty, I’d think you’d want to get your child help. Anyways, as I’ve said, I slept in her bed until 14 and I was touched in my sleep, (I remember that). I woke with my clothes undone, told my mom in a fit of rage and she just ignored it. Another thing I remember is we’d watch horror movies that had graphic sexual scenes in them and she wouldn’t fast forward. She would laugh at me and it upset me so much I’d leave the room. Again, I was a child. She also would bathe with me and have me watch her wash herself.
I’m trying to understand why I’m so triggered. Like what she did to me because I can’t remember. But it’s completely ruined my life. I am a walking trigger. I still haven’t told my therapist. I just can’t.
26-30, M