I want answers

I have a memory of my mother holding me underwater and drowning me. Someone said "well if you were like 3, you might have gotten confused." First, I can tell the difference between dreams because yes I did have bad dreams about her. But second, I look to the things she's done and told me as an adult. She's told me that when she babysat, she abused the children because it as enjoyable to her. She told me that she likes seeing kids get hit. She drowned kittens when I was a teenager, which I personally think is not something most people do. I cannot remember most of my childhood, but that memory is one that has always stuck with me. I tried to find that bathroom in our old house just so I could validate the memory but the listing for it did not show photos of it unfortunately. Regardless, the reason why it even matters is that to me that is significant for if someone truly cares about you. If when you were your most vulnerable, someone held you underwater, to me, that says she doesn't love me. I'm not saying I can't forgive but it doesn't change that fact. That if you drown a child, you don't love them. I could never at any point in my life lay a finger on my dogs. Never. That is how I know the difference. I don't care how annoyed you are. I wish she’d apologize. She’s relying on me not being able to remember. Which she does with everything else too. The things I do remember are very vivid.