Just thinking about childhood

I was thinking I remember when I was real young, we did have Christmas but I thought I remembered the memories until I realized they were videoed. That’s why I remember. I remember so little about my childhood. And when I remember those videos… me sitting on the couch with my brothers, sucking my thumb, that I was dealing with things that broke me today. Even back then. My dad was physically violent towards us and my mother. My mother viewed me as like an extension of herself, not an independent person. She didn’t set any boundaries down and never did with me. Still has none, like no respect for me. I think it’s weird I slept in her bed until I was 14. I was the only one, my brothers didn’t. And I never stopped sucking my thumb. Like I remember spending a lot of my childhood trying to comfort myself. I have small memories. Like my dad going after my mother, her locking herself in the bathroom. Me trying to grab his arm, him throwing me across the room. Me hiding, crying alone. No one ever came to see if I was okay. I remember being very scared a lot and I hated school but hated coming home more. I wouldn’t want to see those videos now. I think being able to remember who I was is great but I don’t want to remember too much. I remember breaking my arm, my mom dragging me in the house and her just going to sleep. Those things weren’t videoed but are burned in my head. I remember my dad locking my brother in a closet and throwing a chair at him and laughing. I remember the sounds, the pain. I was so traumatized by my childhood. But those Christmas memories where everything was okay confuse me. Both my parents traumatized me in different ways and it’s very isolating. Because my brothers don’t understand the mom part and they just moved over what our dad did.