I'd like to suggest a mental exercise
Imagine your father dies suddenly from an unexpected accident. He's buried in the ground and you're never going to talk to him again. Is there anything you think you will regret not having said to him? If so,
write a letter saying everything you've ever wanted to say to and about him. Let it all out until you have nothing left. Everything you feel he's responsible for. Every reason you hate him.
The purpose of this exercise is to preemptively find closure before it is too late to do so. Once he dies you'll never be able to hold him accountable. Your inner child wants justice. The first stage of that justice allowing him to be heard. Your inner child has something to say,you need to listen instead of silencing his pain by escaping it. You have to be the adult he needed growing up. He deserved to be taken care of,not ignored,abused and neglected. How you treat yourself is in your hands, not the hands of your abusers. There is nothing he can say or do to undo the damage he caused. The trauma that comes from abuse is so unfair because the victim is left with the responsibility to heal but life is unfair. Your anger is justified. It will only grow with every passing moment your inner child continues to feel unheard.
The letter isn't written to be sent,it's written for your inner child to finally express how he feels. Give yourself a voice. What you do with the letter is up to you.
I just want you to find closure and healing. I don't want you to have regrets when he dies.
