Open letter
Dear mom,
I know you are trying to cheer me up and even offer to do my hair because you know I'm not feeling good emotionally. I am much aware that you are trying to see the silver lining in my single, jobless, 30-year-old life, and you are calling me to get down from my room to do household chores to forget everything I've been through.
While I am very grateful for your presence and the privilege to have a supportive mother like you, I don't want to share what I really feel because I feel shame, guilt, and devastation.
I wanna get past this life. And if you hear this, I know you will be more than hurt.
There are times that I feel my whole body is aching because of sadness. And sometimes I bite my fingers and tap my chest just to stop myself from crying. I sometimes dream of bad things and wake up late.
I laugh hard at a single meme, but at times, I feel deep pain of grief and I do not know how to handle it.
I can't blame anyone because this is my life.
But I'm truly thankful for your life and for loving me even if I was not in the initial plan.
I can't find worth right now in living. But I'm living because I don't want to make you feel sad. And maybe one of these days God will show me something to keep living.
I know you are trying to cheer me up and even offer to do my hair because you know I'm not feeling good emotionally. I am much aware that you are trying to see the silver lining in my single, jobless, 30-year-old life, and you are calling me to get down from my room to do household chores to forget everything I've been through.
While I am very grateful for your presence and the privilege to have a supportive mother like you, I don't want to share what I really feel because I feel shame, guilt, and devastation.
I wanna get past this life. And if you hear this, I know you will be more than hurt.
There are times that I feel my whole body is aching because of sadness. And sometimes I bite my fingers and tap my chest just to stop myself from crying. I sometimes dream of bad things and wake up late.
I laugh hard at a single meme, but at times, I feel deep pain of grief and I do not know how to handle it.
I can't blame anyone because this is my life.
But I'm truly thankful for your life and for loving me even if I was not in the initial plan.
I can't find worth right now in living. But I'm living because I don't want to make you feel sad. And maybe one of these days God will show me something to keep living.
