Maximally bad, forever
Ive been having a lot of negative thought loops lately but today on the way home i remembered the fights i would get into with my sister as a teenager.
Any time we were forced to be together shed just be taking random shots at me 24/7. In the car, during family dinners. And they were really fucking venomous all of the time. I rarely had the self control to just brush them off and ignore them so i would bicker. And then everyone would be mad at us both.
I didnt understand why she was doing it. Sometimes i would try to ignore it but that would only embolden her. I would ask her what she wanted but she would never give me a straight answer. So i just had no peace at home for years. I would ask my mom for help in private and she would just tell me she thinks im not doing everything i can to get along with her.
I thought about suicide a lot. Like all the time. Planned out how i would do it but never did. I came to the conclusion that she wanted me to kms. It only sort of came to a stop because i eventually realized i had to ask my mom to handle it every time she said something hurtful, and she would try to like, gentle parent her out of it.
I remember when i went to college I felt better than i ever had in the first week, by orders of magnitude. I felt like a brand new man without all that drama dragging on me, it was crazy. I guess i had gotten used to life just being emotionally unlivable and without that i felt free. And then before I had to go back home... I had a huge mental breakdown and went wandering around town aimlessly and missed a really important class.
Shes since completely changed, doesnt say mean things at all and is actually quite amicable and nice. But she never acknowledged all that bad stuff and the one time i said something about it since then she laughed it off. Id rather leave shit in the past if i can but talk about a lack of closure lol.
Its by far the worst time ive ever had in my life too. And i hate that it's such a stupid thing, you know? Like some days i wish my parents had hit me or some other shit thats socially acceptable to be damaged over. If i told someone i lost my sanity bc my sister used to insult me they would look at me as the biggest baby on Earth and reasonably so.
So fuck all this shit, thats why i forget this whole story as much as i can. Thats why i dont tell anybody irl. And im better for it. It was gonna be stuck in my brain if i didnt vomit it out here so now you guys just have to put up with it again. Youre welcome. Worst part is that i cant even properly analyze it or assign blame bc my memory of the time is so incredibly bad, i have to doubt my own perceptions. So i cant even have that.
Any time we were forced to be together shed just be taking random shots at me 24/7. In the car, during family dinners. And they were really fucking venomous all of the time. I rarely had the self control to just brush them off and ignore them so i would bicker. And then everyone would be mad at us both.
I didnt understand why she was doing it. Sometimes i would try to ignore it but that would only embolden her. I would ask her what she wanted but she would never give me a straight answer. So i just had no peace at home for years. I would ask my mom for help in private and she would just tell me she thinks im not doing everything i can to get along with her.
I thought about suicide a lot. Like all the time. Planned out how i would do it but never did. I came to the conclusion that she wanted me to kms. It only sort of came to a stop because i eventually realized i had to ask my mom to handle it every time she said something hurtful, and she would try to like, gentle parent her out of it.
I remember when i went to college I felt better than i ever had in the first week, by orders of magnitude. I felt like a brand new man without all that drama dragging on me, it was crazy. I guess i had gotten used to life just being emotionally unlivable and without that i felt free. And then before I had to go back home... I had a huge mental breakdown and went wandering around town aimlessly and missed a really important class.
Shes since completely changed, doesnt say mean things at all and is actually quite amicable and nice. But she never acknowledged all that bad stuff and the one time i said something about it since then she laughed it off. Id rather leave shit in the past if i can but talk about a lack of closure lol.
Its by far the worst time ive ever had in my life too. And i hate that it's such a stupid thing, you know? Like some days i wish my parents had hit me or some other shit thats socially acceptable to be damaged over. If i told someone i lost my sanity bc my sister used to insult me they would look at me as the biggest baby on Earth and reasonably so.
So fuck all this shit, thats why i forget this whole story as much as i can. Thats why i dont tell anybody irl. And im better for it. It was gonna be stuck in my brain if i didnt vomit it out here so now you guys just have to put up with it again. Youre welcome. Worst part is that i cant even properly analyze it or assign blame bc my memory of the time is so incredibly bad, i have to doubt my own perceptions. So i cant even have that.
