I've never felt this shattered before 😔

I found out that my kid's mom had sex with her ex right after we broke up. Apparently it happened right before me & her started reconciling & having sex again. I asked her if she hooked up with anyone else & she told me no. The night it happened, I suspected it & I indirectly asked her. She lied to me then too.

I feel so fucking stupid. I've been putting in all this effort & trying so hard when she already fucked someone else a month ago. Then has the nerve to sit here & tell me it's because he's her first love but she loves me more.

Like are you fucking kidding me? You think it matters who TF you love more? If you truly loved me at all, you wouldn't ALSO still love your ex or go & fuck him for that matter. I only know that because I genuinely do love you & I would have never done something like that to you. I've never done that to anybody in my life. I genuinely thought we were similar in that aspect & I loved that I had a partner I could actually trust. Even after we broke up I thought "how am I ever gonna find someone I could trust like her?"

Show how stupid I am. How could I ever trust you now. I hate that I still love you because all I can think about now is how the woman I loved was out getting fucked while I was at home taking care of OUR daughter. I feel like such a fucking bitch.

I don't have an ounce of hate left in me. Because the old me would fight with her or find some way to hurt her back... but I don't feel that way. I just feel devastated. I feel empty but also full of emotions at the same time. I don't know how to feel or how to even get past this. It's just not fair.

Like I said to her, you've made me feel like a bad guy all this fucking time meanwhile what you did to me is worse than anything I've ever done to you. It's not fair that YOU did this... yet I'M the one who has to feel this fucking horrible.

Then she has the nerve to tell me "well I feel horrible too", like yeah I hope you fucking do. You deserve to feel that way. It's just fucked up that I have to feel so much worse than you, when YOU'RE the one who fucking did it. I know it sounds mean but you deserve to feel like shit. I don't wanna hear about how fucking bad YOU feel.

I even told her "you have no idea how bad I just wanna say 'fuck you' to every justification you try to give me. None of it means shit because you still did what you did then fucking lied to me."

She even tried to say "well it technically wasn't cheating because we broke up" & while I understand.. it still doesn't feel that way. You knew how I felt, you entertained my advances & gave me hope, you lied to my face even when I asked you, you KNEW that I said I didn't wanna get back together if you had been with anybody else. So you lied to my fucking face & that is cheating to me. You cheated my feelings, my time, my effort, you cheated me in every fucking way. Together or not, it still feels exactly the same.

I just can't understand it because my love is real so I can't even imagine doing the same thing 😔 I feel so fucking broken right now. & I don't even wanna admit this because I feel like such a bitch. I feel so stupid. I feel like I've been a doorman, holding a fucking door open & I'm just getting walked right past like I'm not even there. I put everything aside for you but you'd just let the door close in my face