I'm having a very serious problem in my life and I need to let it out and talk about it.

I have made the difficult decision to completely cut out my adult son from my life for good. The level of manipulation, lying, betrayal and abuse he has given to me and my husband and mother is too much to overcome. I have guilt and pain and hearbreak but its necessary for our peace. I've actually tried to do this a few times in the past but then allowed communication again. I guess you have to go through several gut punches until you're finally DONE.
We've recently hired a fugitive recovery agent to try and locate him to get him arrested. He's hiding out and who knows when he'll be found....I just want him apprehended to face the consequences of his behavior. And I face losing $1700.00 in bonds that I STUPIDLY posted for him. I know, I know, why did I do such a thing?! Several reasons that no longer matter. Lesson learned. I just can't believe he's hiding from the 4 arrest warrants out on him. He's always gone to court to handle his legal affairs. There's been A LOT. He's never missed or avoided court. Til now. Its made me physically ill - I can't sleep. I want to burn his belongings and pictures. I want to rip his arms off and beat him with them. I'm scared of my own anger. He's our only son. But has found violence, alcohol, and trouble since 15yo. He's gone through periods of time where he's productive, helpful, positive, sober, but then falls off again. Full of excuses and its always someone else's fault....
I'm done with living like this. He's 36yo. I need to permanently get off the crazy train.
Pray for me and my husband's peace. And pray he gets apprehended soon!
Thank you for reading about my story.

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HootyTheNightOwl · 41-45

Be gentle with yourself as you process your grief. It's going to be a turbulent road for you emotionally.

Don't act further on how you feel right now, you've already dealt with the things that you needed to do immediately, so give yourself time to settle down and process your feelings before you worry about his possessions and photos... you might feel differently in the future.

StarsMISaligned · 51-55, F

@HootyTheNightOwl I will definitely take your advice and allow my anxiety about the situation to not get the best of me. Thank you so much for this.

HootyTheNightOwl · 41-45

@StarsMISaligned When I cut my "dad" out of my life, I went through a period of feeling like he'd passed away, even though he is still alive.

I'm accepting now that I wasn't grieving for my "dad" but I was grieving for the dad that I never had. The fact that you are talking about feeling angry, guilty and hurt by his actions and the choice that you had to make to protect yourself as a result suggests that you are working through the same grieving process as I did.

That's the main reason why I advise you to just sit and process your grief for now and not take unnecessary steps in the immediate future. You can always do whatever you feel is best as and when the intensity of these initial feelings die down.

StarsMISaligned · 51-55, F

@HootyTheNightOwl I appreciate your help and accuracy with my situation. I had to stay home from work today due my grief and anxiety. I am definitely feeling like he's died! You described it perfectly. I will settle down and not do anything more. Thank you so much.

HootyTheNightOwl · 41-45

@StarsMISaligned In a way, he has died... sure, it's not literal in that you know that he's out there somewhere even if you can't point him out on Google Maps, but it is a psychological death in that you're having to let go of all the hopes and dreams that you had for him from the moment that you found out that you were expecting a baby.

In some ways, that's a crueller loss because you can't really have a funeral or a final resting place to go to like you would after an actual death.

You'll still go through all the same emotions though, so be prepared for that.

It's been decades since I chose to remove myself from my "dad's" life and I still wonder at times if I did the right thing - then I remember being a teenager so terrified that they would dissociate, freeze and scream in public and I know that I did what I had to do to preserve what was left of me.

To this day, I still can't walk through a hospital by his side without dissociating (fortunately, without freezing and screaming).

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HootyTheNightOwl · 41-45

@StarsMISaligned It took me years to find the way to explain how I felt in those initial years after I cut him out of my life and it was only when I realised that I don't even know what a dad does for his children that I realised that I was grieving for the dad that I didn't have rather than the monster that I was given.

I'll probably always be dealing with the trauma in one way or another by now. I'm not really that interested in getting a formal diagnosis for my DID, knowing that they will likely want me to be integrated... I've been dissociating from the age of five I'm quite comfortable with my three known identities, you know??? I think that I'd rather stay as I am than find more than I know I have (and there's a chance that there are more).

Tumbleweed · F

@HootyTheNightOwl This