Oh man.. this will likey be a long one. Idk where to begin.
For as long as i can remember, ive been scared shitless of my father. He's a violent man who was very frustrated, for good reason. He always made me feel so nervous. Even when i was already a man and a father of my own boys, fraternal twins. One of whom was born with many disabilities.
By the time my boys were 5 years old, i remember feeling so much love for them and willing to lay my life down protecting them from anything and anyone. Then i thought about when i was their age, by then, I was already so scared of my dad. By then I'd already had my first set of 5 stitches in my forehead from a time when he was angry and threw me onto my bed, but my head hit the corner of my nightstand.
This may sound like victim mentality, maybe it is but I understood at the time as an accident. But there were so many more instances after that that weren't accidents that he never seemed to feel any remorse for, let alone the love I was feeling for my boys at that time. I never thought of him as my protector of anything. He was always my abuser and my mom is abuser and my sister's abuser and my other sisters abuser.
It was in when I quit cutting him so much slack for his past. I have been giving him a pass because of his upbringing. Everyone said that he was so abusive because his father was so abusive, and that made total sense to me until I had my kids and the thought of anybody ever hurting them doing my dad used to hurt me enraged me. I tried to put myself in his shoes and wondered how I would feel and just the thought of me losing my temper on my voice made me feel terrible about myself. I never wanted to feel that way and I wonder why he never felt that way.
At that time it was new territory for us both. He had never been a grandfather and I had never been a father. He had just retired from his career as a longshoreman and I was overwhelmed with my son's disabilities as a we're still availing themselves. I needed help with daycare so I can go to work and know that my kids were safe. It's so hard to find a nurse with so many qualifications that were required to care for my one son.
I live in the same city with my dad retired in. He used to drive here everyday and I thought he could continue to drive here with my stepmom and take care of my kid while I was at work until we found out something better. He owed me that much not just because of what he did to me but because of all the things I've done for him in the way of Home Improvement projects. If I ever complained he'd always say that he owed me and then one day I would have a house and he would be there to help me like I was there to help him and that day came and he denied me. The bottom line was that he was retired and my problems are my problems.
I told him I understood but he had to go. Told him he was grounded and I'll let him know when he's not grounded anymore. That was a new attitude for me to take with him. He assumed I'd gone crazy so he called the police on me and had my house raided by SWAT. There's more to it but that's the bottom line. He told them that I was a disgruntled combat veteran who hadn't been taking his meds and has been stockpiling arms and he was concerned for my family. The last part was almost funny.. the rest of it was true, but it's not like you think. The arms I had been stockpiling came from my uncle who passed away and it was my father who decided I should have them. I was off my meds because I was off my meds. I felt like I was missing everything as my kids were growing. I was there every day but I felt like I missed it due to the fogginess of all the antipsychotic and antidepression and anti-anxiety meds and the sleeping pills.
I had to let SWAT inside my house and show them my family to let them know that they were all safe and not killed and chopped up in many pieces. They said my parents were watching the whole thing from across the street. I told SWAT WTF are they doing out at this hour? They're grounded. They laughed then left. I haven't talked to my dad and stepmom since. That was 20 years ago last July
My mom and step dad, on the other hand, are a whole different issue. My step dad was good to my mom, he took too good of care for her. They're both a couple of hypochondriacs. Their pets ate hypochondriacs, and he's a bit of a bigot. I thought it was funny when i was 20, but it got old quick.
I met my wife in the Army. We were both in the first gulf war. We here great friends at first and it took off from there. My ancestry is German and Swedish. Hers is Filipino. When we had kids, I knew a time would come when my step dad was going to "accidentally" slip up and say something insulting about my wife or my kids and i asked myself what I was going to do about it. I decided I was going to nip it in the bud.
One night, that time came, he "slipped," and I was on it. I know now that I overreacted and put the fear of god in him. At the time, I wasnt aware that i had been living with severe PTSD from the war. I didnt mean to, but I really scared the shit out of the poor little fella.
I think he never let my mom forget how much i scared him. (I never laid a hand on him. It was the fear that i might and there was nobody who could stop me if i did. I know when I'm in that zone. I feel it in my eyes) I have a feeling that he kept reminding her of that incident and comparing me to my dad and reminding her about some of the old days.
I would call to go over and they'd give me excuses about why they were too busy, id tell them my son missed them. They didn't seem to care. They're always too busy to receive us. Then one day about an hour after shooting me down, my mom calls me and tells me that my little sister was going down to visit her as if she forgot that I just asked. I was hurt but I thought the worst thing I could do is pursue that so I told myself to just wait for her to call me. That was August 2010. I haven't talked to her since. My step dad has passed away since then. But nobody bothered to tell me about it. So I really don't know what I did to her but I don't talk to either for my parents is what I'm getting at.
Now my wife is dying of cancer. She doesn't have much longer. The son who could, moved out while he was attending across the bay in San Francisco. He wrapped up his studies last December. He graduated last May but he still lives in his apartment over in the city leaving us to deal with this by ourselves. He says it overwhelms him, like it doesn't do that to us also. I've been sending him respectful messages telling him to come see his mother because she doesn't have much time. Finally everything came to a head and for some reason, he gave me the same send-off I gave my father but I swear to God I don't know why.. I totally reinvented myself to be a good father to them. I've never even come close to laying my hands on either of them in anger. Yes I have PTSD. I can't help it. But I help it as much as I can and I'm pretty sure it's never affected them.
I've been doing some research on gen Z. I know my son has been seeing a shrink for depression. When I found out about it I was worried because I didn't want him to be drugged up and drowned out. I think he threw me under the bus in order to get a shrink to believe he has issues enough that need medication. When he found out I had concerns about him seeing a shrink, he told me his friends told him he should quit talking to me because I'm toxic. If you don't mind I'd like to share a bit of our conversation that led to the blowout we are experiencing now. Be prepared for Harsh rebuttals to any harsh criticism. I'm not in the mood
