My relationship with my nephew's father is, sadly, better than my relationship with my sister.
He is a very level-headed man and acknowledges his mistakes, smart, compassionate and open minded.
I don't do well with people who use victimhood as a weapon to oppress, manipulate, and divide others. It grinds my gears because I have dealt and deal with plenty of that already with my mother. I guess I know where she learnt it.
When my sister and her boyfriend were younger, I helped them elope. Because of financial reasons and probably the social stigma, she chose to return to her arranged marriage not long after, which ended in divorce , again not long after.
That is how I saw it.
Her perspective may be far different. I admit I have held resentment towards her because when she went back to the arranged marriage, she told everyone that I had convinced her to escape with her ex-boyfriend.
People were more likely to believe her version. I always had a reputation for being rebellious and domineering. She, on the other hand, is seen as submissive and knows how to use that to her advantage.
As time passed by, I let that go. I was the first to realize that my nephew is actually her ex-boyfriend’s son, not her husband’s. I put a lot of effort into reuniting them because she refused to admit the truth.
One of the clues was his obsession with order as a baby. Logical games were easy for him. He would have meltdowns if he could not perform his rituals as a toddler. I remember thinking all the time, with a great mix of guilt and wonder, that this child is too sharp to be related to her ex-husband and her too. That was when I began investigating and eventually found his biological father.
Earlier than that, after their breakup, her ex-boyfriend, who was just a student at the time, did something drastic that could have landed him in jail. But the authorities saw it as potential. They decided to invest in his abilities instead. Over the years, he rose through the ranks and became much more successful than her ex-husband in terms of career.
When I contacted him, he was thrilled and eager to be in his son’s life. Even though he works from 7 a.m. to 10 p.m., he always makes time for both my nephew and my niece. She is not his daughter, but he refuses to separate them. He calls them both his children and treat them with equal love. I love that most about him.
He often thanks me for supporting him and the kids. He shows gratefulness, while my sister acts like I HAVE to.
When I get stressed or argue with my sister about the ways she neglects the kids, he reassures me. He tells me I have done more than enough and that I do not need to worry about my nephew and niece because he will always be there and he will fix it.
That gives me peace of mind and the universe knows how much I need it.
My most recent argument with my sister was about their health. Her daughter has a small anomaly in her feet. It is barely noticeable and will improve naturally as she grows. But my sister insists on spending money and time on doctors who are clearly taking advantage of her shallowness. She is too focused on appearances. Meanwhile, she neglected to take my nephew to his allergy mapping appointment. I admit I lost my temper. When I asked him what he ate before the rash appeared, she interrupted and tried to speak instead of him repeatedly. She does this often. She tries to twist things or lie, and sometimes she does it by pretending to speak on behalf of them. She teaches them to lie.
She also treats her children differently. She reacts to their needs differently. I have told her many times not to take her bad moods out on them just because she had a hard day at work. She doesn't listen. She yells at the kids for having needs and asking for things as simple as more food in their plate. All the yelling makes me feel like I am dealing with a duked father from those movies where the father comes from work and starts abusing everyone because he isn't adult enough to take care of his responsibilities. And then she complains to me that her kids love me?! It is insane but I admit I am mean in my reactions and I do use very hurtful words. I just feel like if she is going to play the victim, I might as well give her a reason to.
Her children are reaching the age when they can sense that something is wrong between us. The tension is there. I can be scary I admit, even with cool voice. I can be unsympathetic and take it too far. I know I need to find a way to repair our relationship. Not for her, but for them. Actually, I know that the only way is me accepting her need to be a victim and her games, without any resentment towards her. I need to achieve that mental state since I am already aware of the problem. She will not change as a person. The idea of growing and working on her character doesn't even cross her mind. Culturally, people here are far less to change and rectify their defects. They don't have this concept. So it is my responsibility to adapt and fix my reactions to it.
I don't do well with people who use victimhood as a weapon to oppress, manipulate, and divide others. It grinds my gears because I have dealt and deal with plenty of that already with my mother. I guess I know where she learnt it.
When my sister and her boyfriend were younger, I helped them elope. Because of financial reasons and probably the social stigma, she chose to return to her arranged marriage not long after, which ended in divorce , again not long after.
That is how I saw it.
Her perspective may be far different. I admit I have held resentment towards her because when she went back to the arranged marriage, she told everyone that I had convinced her to escape with her ex-boyfriend.
People were more likely to believe her version. I always had a reputation for being rebellious and domineering. She, on the other hand, is seen as submissive and knows how to use that to her advantage.
As time passed by, I let that go. I was the first to realize that my nephew is actually her ex-boyfriend’s son, not her husband’s. I put a lot of effort into reuniting them because she refused to admit the truth.
One of the clues was his obsession with order as a baby. Logical games were easy for him. He would have meltdowns if he could not perform his rituals as a toddler. I remember thinking all the time, with a great mix of guilt and wonder, that this child is too sharp to be related to her ex-husband and her too. That was when I began investigating and eventually found his biological father.
Earlier than that, after their breakup, her ex-boyfriend, who was just a student at the time, did something drastic that could have landed him in jail. But the authorities saw it as potential. They decided to invest in his abilities instead. Over the years, he rose through the ranks and became much more successful than her ex-husband in terms of career.
When I contacted him, he was thrilled and eager to be in his son’s life. Even though he works from 7 a.m. to 10 p.m., he always makes time for both my nephew and my niece. She is not his daughter, but he refuses to separate them. He calls them both his children and treat them with equal love. I love that most about him.
He often thanks me for supporting him and the kids. He shows gratefulness, while my sister acts like I HAVE to.
When I get stressed or argue with my sister about the ways she neglects the kids, he reassures me. He tells me I have done more than enough and that I do not need to worry about my nephew and niece because he will always be there and he will fix it.
That gives me peace of mind and the universe knows how much I need it.
My most recent argument with my sister was about their health. Her daughter has a small anomaly in her feet. It is barely noticeable and will improve naturally as she grows. But my sister insists on spending money and time on doctors who are clearly taking advantage of her shallowness. She is too focused on appearances. Meanwhile, she neglected to take my nephew to his allergy mapping appointment. I admit I lost my temper. When I asked him what he ate before the rash appeared, she interrupted and tried to speak instead of him repeatedly. She does this often. She tries to twist things or lie, and sometimes she does it by pretending to speak on behalf of them. She teaches them to lie.
She also treats her children differently. She reacts to their needs differently. I have told her many times not to take her bad moods out on them just because she had a hard day at work. She doesn't listen. She yells at the kids for having needs and asking for things as simple as more food in their plate. All the yelling makes me feel like I am dealing with a duked father from those movies where the father comes from work and starts abusing everyone because he isn't adult enough to take care of his responsibilities. And then she complains to me that her kids love me?! It is insane but I admit I am mean in my reactions and I do use very hurtful words. I just feel like if she is going to play the victim, I might as well give her a reason to.
Her children are reaching the age when they can sense that something is wrong between us. The tension is there. I can be scary I admit, even with cool voice. I can be unsympathetic and take it too far. I know I need to find a way to repair our relationship. Not for her, but for them. Actually, I know that the only way is me accepting her need to be a victim and her games, without any resentment towards her. I need to achieve that mental state since I am already aware of the problem. She will not change as a person. The idea of growing and working on her character doesn't even cross her mind. Culturally, people here are far less to change and rectify their defects. They don't have this concept. So it is my responsibility to adapt and fix my reactions to it.
