Text I can't send, to my sister: Sandra.
I remember you saying "We grew up together, we went through everything together, even when our parents weren't there, we we were together"
And I remember thinking you were right, you have always been there. There have been friends and family members who came into my life and others that left, but as long as I can remember, you have always been around. I don't think there have been a moment in my life in which you weren't present in one way or another, then... Why don't I feel connected to you?
Trying to answer that question, I came to the conclusion; in any type of relationship, family, friends or romantic, connection isn't build through time, but trust and care, and for more than a decade now, I haven't felt safe or comfortable around you. And there have been times a part of me blamed myself for it "Oh I am not trying hard enough, I am not asking 'how are you?' enough, as a loving sibling should, I must be so cold inside". But recently I realized that the state of my relationship with you isn't my fault, it's not my fault I don't wanna know how you are doing, it's not my fault that for almost a decade, everytime I asked "What happened? How are you doing? Are you ok?" I was just pretending, cause that's what you and mom want from me. I watched videos of girls telling their brothers they are gonna be uncles and saw how happy that made them. Brothers running to pick up their pregnant sister in excitement... Then I imagine you breaking the news one day, to everyone in the family, that you are gonna be a mom and... I don't see myself being excited, I imagine faking a smile and hoping you'll be good to your kid.
I have memories of you criticizing me, always making me feel like I am not good enough. I remember being maybe 6 or 7, back in Nigeria, we were out, hanging some clothes after washing them, then in front of me, you complained to our cousin Love, talking about how your younger brother can't even hang clothes correctly, while she (Our cousin Love, who's a year older than me) was doing it perfectly. I remember you being so angry at me for not being able to read or write back in Nigeria, while every kid my age were also illiterate, cause the Nigerian education system is garbage, but you blamed me for it. I remember you dressing me up one morning, I put on my pants and you said "You shouldn't wear your pants up on your weist like that, you should wear them under your weist, like the cool kids do". I remember when we finally moved to Spain, you complained about how I never go out, and don't have friends, how that makes me a loser, and that I sould be more like the other kids my age, and party more. I remember we were both in the living room one day, a commercial for Colacao came up, and there were young kids at a beach, dancing, playing their fake toy music instrument and you said "That's what you should be doing". Which was crazy, cause both you and mom saw me come back from school every single day sad and hurt, I would tell you about how other kids were making fun of me, and criticized every little thing about me, gay and black aside, but even for something as simple as a hair cut, a curtain sweater I wore that day, would have them talking and making fun of me, a classmate of mine literally end up in tears laughing at me, all because I changed my hair style a little bit. And still you guys were blaming me for not being friends with them and going out to be with them. I remember this one time, both you and mom forced me to go to a local party, I didn't wanna go, but you guys made me, and since I never go to these events, I arrived earlier than I should have, so by the time I got there, kids from my school weren't there yet, so I decided to wait. While I wait, a group of kids from a different school came up to me, and one of them (I still remember his name, Juan) said to me "I always see you alone, why don't you just buy yourself some friends". I felt embarrassed and didn't wanna be there, but I couldn't go back home to you guys, so I just went up to the mountains and stayed there for a couple of hours before going back home.
Gosh, if anyone could understand me, I would imagine it would be you, I remember how much you cried when we first came to Spain, you cried everyday cause you felt lonely, you had no friends at school, no one talked to you and you were always alone. I saw you get beaten with a belt, and a cane back in Nigeria, but I had never seen you cry as much as you did for not having friends. I still remember seeing you stare at your reflection in the mirror crying your eyes out. Back in Nigerian we didn't care about our appearance, that seemed like a luxury only rich kids could afford to be worried about, and there you were, hurting more than ever over how people treat you at school, and only a couple of years later you started calling me a loser for not being friends with kids who treat me worst than you were being treated. I remember there was still a part of me that somewhat cared about you back then.
But after the years and years of you telling me how I am not good enough, it had to end. I remember, my first job, they took advantage of me, making me work 10 hours a day, 6 days a week, from 2am to 12pm. I remember telling you I was gonna quit and you called me a mom's boy, saying that I am only quiting cause I don't wanna work, saying that if I wasn't your brother, you wouldn't want anything to do with me.
For years now, I have been afraid of anything that comes from you, good or bad, and I felt bad, asking myself "Why can't I accept this thing from her?" Feeling uncomfortable just for being in the same space as you. But I am done, done blaming myself for not being the type of sibling you want me to be, you don't get to belittle me my entire life and ask for an affectionate and caring brother. I am just glad you aren't treating Kevin the same way you did to me.
And I remember thinking you were right, you have always been there. There have been friends and family members who came into my life and others that left, but as long as I can remember, you have always been around. I don't think there have been a moment in my life in which you weren't present in one way or another, then... Why don't I feel connected to you?
Trying to answer that question, I came to the conclusion; in any type of relationship, family, friends or romantic, connection isn't build through time, but trust and care, and for more than a decade now, I haven't felt safe or comfortable around you. And there have been times a part of me blamed myself for it "Oh I am not trying hard enough, I am not asking 'how are you?' enough, as a loving sibling should, I must be so cold inside". But recently I realized that the state of my relationship with you isn't my fault, it's not my fault I don't wanna know how you are doing, it's not my fault that for almost a decade, everytime I asked "What happened? How are you doing? Are you ok?" I was just pretending, cause that's what you and mom want from me. I watched videos of girls telling their brothers they are gonna be uncles and saw how happy that made them. Brothers running to pick up their pregnant sister in excitement... Then I imagine you breaking the news one day, to everyone in the family, that you are gonna be a mom and... I don't see myself being excited, I imagine faking a smile and hoping you'll be good to your kid.
I have memories of you criticizing me, always making me feel like I am not good enough. I remember being maybe 6 or 7, back in Nigeria, we were out, hanging some clothes after washing them, then in front of me, you complained to our cousin Love, talking about how your younger brother can't even hang clothes correctly, while she (Our cousin Love, who's a year older than me) was doing it perfectly. I remember you being so angry at me for not being able to read or write back in Nigeria, while every kid my age were also illiterate, cause the Nigerian education system is garbage, but you blamed me for it. I remember you dressing me up one morning, I put on my pants and you said "You shouldn't wear your pants up on your weist like that, you should wear them under your weist, like the cool kids do". I remember when we finally moved to Spain, you complained about how I never go out, and don't have friends, how that makes me a loser, and that I sould be more like the other kids my age, and party more. I remember we were both in the living room one day, a commercial for Colacao came up, and there were young kids at a beach, dancing, playing their fake toy music instrument and you said "That's what you should be doing". Which was crazy, cause both you and mom saw me come back from school every single day sad and hurt, I would tell you about how other kids were making fun of me, and criticized every little thing about me, gay and black aside, but even for something as simple as a hair cut, a curtain sweater I wore that day, would have them talking and making fun of me, a classmate of mine literally end up in tears laughing at me, all because I changed my hair style a little bit. And still you guys were blaming me for not being friends with them and going out to be with them. I remember this one time, both you and mom forced me to go to a local party, I didn't wanna go, but you guys made me, and since I never go to these events, I arrived earlier than I should have, so by the time I got there, kids from my school weren't there yet, so I decided to wait. While I wait, a group of kids from a different school came up to me, and one of them (I still remember his name, Juan) said to me "I always see you alone, why don't you just buy yourself some friends". I felt embarrassed and didn't wanna be there, but I couldn't go back home to you guys, so I just went up to the mountains and stayed there for a couple of hours before going back home.
Gosh, if anyone could understand me, I would imagine it would be you, I remember how much you cried when we first came to Spain, you cried everyday cause you felt lonely, you had no friends at school, no one talked to you and you were always alone. I saw you get beaten with a belt, and a cane back in Nigeria, but I had never seen you cry as much as you did for not having friends. I still remember seeing you stare at your reflection in the mirror crying your eyes out. Back in Nigerian we didn't care about our appearance, that seemed like a luxury only rich kids could afford to be worried about, and there you were, hurting more than ever over how people treat you at school, and only a couple of years later you started calling me a loser for not being friends with kids who treat me worst than you were being treated. I remember there was still a part of me that somewhat cared about you back then.
But after the years and years of you telling me how I am not good enough, it had to end. I remember, my first job, they took advantage of me, making me work 10 hours a day, 6 days a week, from 2am to 12pm. I remember telling you I was gonna quit and you called me a mom's boy, saying that I am only quiting cause I don't wanna work, saying that if I wasn't your brother, you wouldn't want anything to do with me.
For years now, I have been afraid of anything that comes from you, good or bad, and I felt bad, asking myself "Why can't I accept this thing from her?" Feeling uncomfortable just for being in the same space as you. But I am done, done blaming myself for not being the type of sibling you want me to be, you don't get to belittle me my entire life and ask for an affectionate and caring brother. I am just glad you aren't treating Kevin the same way you did to me.
