Do you believe that a parent is entitled to have contact with their adult child/children

or that they need to earn it?

After you’ve grown up and a shitty parent asks, pleads, demands your attention, do you give it?

Do you think oh, they gave me life, I should appreciate that and overlook the abuse/neglect/whatever because they thought they were doing their best?

Or do you say well damn, they should have educated themselves and done some introspection and some work so that they could have done better, and not caused me so much pain, and my life is better off without them in it, so they can just bugger off?

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Starcrossed · 41-45, F

From what I've learned in CoDA and witnessed in recovery buddies many of whom are also in ACA, no - a toxic abusive parent is NOT entitled to your time and attention, especially if they cross boundaries

While yes, the fabric of society and familial relationship somewhat depends on being able to trust the younger generations will care for us when we become unable, in some instances it is more detrimental to the mental health of an adult child to maintain some distance and boundaries with their parents/family of origin.

Thankfully I think most adult children want to take actions to ensure their parents are taken care of- even when their parents are toxic because supporting and accepting your family at all cost is a value many/most of us share. I also think many individuals who have toxic parents come to understand as we get older that our parents will never change, nor are they willing/able to educate themselves on the trauma they've caused nor own their part of the dysfunctional relationship with their children.

It can be true that a toxic parent thought they did their best, they may actually have done their best and at the same time their "best" may not have been what you needed and thwir "best" was damaging to you.

It's absolutely okay to tell your parents No, not right now, I can do xyz for you with the condition of, and a whole host of other healthy boundary setting responses. Even if you are an only child.

Akimbo75 · 46-50, F

@Starcrossed Thank you for your thoughtful answer. Boundary setting for a toxic parent are the words I needed, I think. TY

Starcrossed · 41-45, F

@Akimbo75 I hope your son will be heard and respected in his boundary setting, and if he isn't respected he'll feel the support from you and perhaps others to implement consequences to having his boundaries crossed.