Why is having relationships so hard

Just keeping up with people is so hard and energy consuming

Like I just wanna talk about silly things but then I have to listen to what they have to say. And I don't even care but I can't tell them that because then I'll be a bad friend. I wanna be a good friend. But why do I not care then? It's hard to pretend. I mean it's not even hard it's just tiring. If I don't have friends my mom will worry. And Im not saying I don't want friends. I'm a social person. I really am

I love having friends in my life but dealing with them is just too hard for me. It would be easier if I cared. But it's no use if I keep telling myself "you're a horrible person just care about others" because I have already realized that it's not how it works. Idek. All I know is that it's useless to beat myself up over it

Maybe one day