Would you lessen visits to your dad? My dad is essentially almost fully handicapped and in a...

Miram · 31-35, F

My father was much more abusive than my mother.

I never blame my mother for beating me. I do blame her for not leaving my father because he was a war criminal and a Pè ďo and plenty of other things.

He did horrible things.

Me and brother were made to fight and train like child soldiers to blood and broken bones, starved us, tortured us..made us see things we shouldn't have seen. Tried to get me married off to his friend..so many bad things.

He is dead. He wanted to see me when he was dying and I refused because he is a psychopath and would have turned it to some sort of mental game.

After all he turned my mother against me by making her think I seduced him

I always hated him. I almost became him if it weren't for my grandparents finding me and taking me away. I hated him, especially because he made us stay in a very unsafe territory and that is why sirin died.

It is long history.

I say all of this to tell you that you are not alone. And you have the right to feel validated in your anger. You were betrayed as a child. She is awful and so is he for not standing up to her. He enabled it.

Tumbleweed · F

I've rewritten this reply three times. I just don't even know what to say to you and I'm so sorry.
He wasn't there for you as he should have been and seems very flippant about it even now and if I were you, I'd not go back. It's obviously breaking you down going to see him and I feel like if he couldn't make sacrifices and wasn't there for you, you shouldn't have to sacrifice yourself for him.

JoyfulSilence · 46-50, M

If it makes you upset, then do not go as often.

Perhaps he is so focused on the end of his life, and other things seem trivial.

I almost died last year, and during that time I started to care less about other things. I stopped worrying so much. What happens will happen. I surrendered. Perhaps he had. Only when I got to the other side of it did start caring again. Also, I have nagging doctors and nurses. My parents do not bother me: they have their own health problems to focus on. Yet last year they came to my bedside. Someday I will have to go to theirs. But we live so far away, and I have a career. But we have family leave.

This message was deleted by the author of the main post.

SpiritSkye

Listen to your heart. That leave it in the past comment made me feel rage. I would have said I can't I have PTSD now ...
I have heard similar from my whole in cahoots evil family. I'm so sorry for you. You should never have been left alone with her.

ammelee

He's no longer alive. He had his shortcomings. I choose how I remember him now. I wanted to say more, but now I'm sobbing.

calicuz · 56-60, M

I personally wouldn't have problem taking a 2 week break.

Jenny1234 · 56-60, F

I wouldn’t visit at all.

deadgerbil · 26-30, M

I'm not visiting. He has no guilt so he can suffer by himself. No reason to expose yourself to his bs just bc he's family

uncalled4 · 56-60, M

At one point, my gf went no contact with both of her narcissistic parents. That has since extended to the brothers as well. And before one asks "How exactly does a marriage between TWO narcs work?", it's that they are each other's "flying monkeys". They used to gang up on my gf like schoolyard bullies--I witnessed it.

Your dad is unable or unwilling to acknowledge that he enabled your mother's horrific behavior. So, while he may not have been abusive per se, he sat back and let it happen.

I'm being kind of simplistic I know, and these situations are often complex. Perhaps your dad DID try to stop her at one point and simply folded after years of her bullshit, which I'm guessing is the case. He just may not have had the fortitude to get rid of her, which for your sake he should have, but, as someone who filed and terminated a marriage, I can tell you that it's no fun.

Your choice, as I understand it, is this:

1. Go, but never mention "the past".
2. Don't go.

Realize that you are under NO obligation to take shit from people, not coworkers, not friends, not "family", NO ONE.

From what you have said, I'd stay away. No good can come of it. I know that's harsh, but you asked.

He made a conscious choice NOT to stick up for you.

Now, you can return the favor.

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