The rents-An essay
Thought I'd share a bit. On my situation with my parents. Myself and my husband are stuck living with them due to financial hardship.
They are both....deeply problematic people who have pretty much no interest in addressing their issues.
My mom I am butting heads worst with right now. She is highly critical and judgemental. She harasses us for not eating what she cooks even though she does not cook what we request (despite offering), we don't like her cooking anyways, she does not make enough food for everyone ever, does not cook when we actually like to eat, etc. We were literally starving trying to survive off her food. My husband lost all his muscle mass. I got arfid (bad eating disorder) from trying to force myself to eat her shit food or be verbally abused about it. I have bad anxiety around eating now.
If we get any sort of takeout....or even if we get groceries and I just say I am making my own food. She makes snide comments like she will grab our takeout to hand to us and say "here is your garbage". Or try to victimize herself and say she just wants to feed us why are we so mean and don't eat her food when she puts her pride and joy into it. It is a literal battle almost any time we try to eat. Like she is just trying to starve us. Evil.
When I told her of my abuse history and that it had caught up to me and I needed time to heal and be left alone. She tried to tell me maybe I was making it up and it was psychosis and all this other gaslighting shit. When I try to address her problematic behavior with her she goes who me?? I would never i am your perfect loving mother who loves you! I have never done anything bad and neither has your dad! And now every day she sends me texts trying to make me feel guilty for not spending time with her and that I am "depriving her of an important friend" when I literally said I am basically putting myself through in home inpatient and need to be left alone to heal and just wanted space.
She also has a long history of using me as a therapist and marital counselor and ignoring every attempt at a boundary I have ever set. She is totally emotionally unavailable and never comforted us as kids or helped us through anything difficult we dealt with. Just told us to get over it it wasn't bad or we were being dramatic. She basically had me raise my little siblings. I was babysitting from the age of 3 because I was "very mature for my age" and "capable". In highschool I'd often be left with my 5 younger siblings, two of which were very young twin girls for hours while my parents went out shopping or whatever. I had severe mental health issues at the time (which were not being treated as my parents never addressed any of our issues as I said). It was torture for me. I loved my siblings, still do. It was too much.
She is also an alcoholic and will not address it just says she doesn't care. It is severe and badly effects everyone in the home.
She is toxic as shit, and tries to take everyone around her down with her. When we move out I intend on completely severing the relationship unless she makes serious changes. Which I doubt she will.
On to my dad. My dad...was verbally and physically abusive to us all growing up. Had absolutely explosive temper and would throw tantrums over the stupidest shit like he couldn't find the remote like we didn't have it on his chair for him when he got home. Or because we would ask him to turn his loud rock music down when the babies were sleeping in the room right next to him. Etc. It was like living with pissy child. Super control freak issues too, if everything wasn't done perfectly his way he'd blow up. It ruined pretty much every holiday meal and outing we had together bc it all had to be "perfect" how he wanted it. He was also severely abusive to my mom verbally, physically and sexually. And is very controlling of her....does not even allow her to get professional help for her alcoholism. Or therapy. Nothing. Even if she wanted it. A couple times she has actually asked and he shot her down. Doesn't let her go to bed when she wants. Doesn't let her use her phone around him. Didn't let her travel out of town to see her elderly father bc he couldn't go too. Etc. He doesn't let her have any privacy either. Checks her phone and if she had any journals he would check those too. His physical abuse was never bad enough to leave marks so for a long time I didn't see it as physical abuse but it was. She has a GI disorder and sometimes struggles with eating due to it. Instead of trying to get her foods she really likes or that are easy to digest....he forces her to eat whatever he feels is best. And if she tries to sneakily throw it away, he has made her eat it out of the trash. He also has history of forcing her to wait on him hand and foot. Get him water. Prepare his meals for him whatever he wants. Really do whatever he wants whenever he wants. He also forces her to cut off any friends who tell her he might be abusive or try to stand up for her in any way.
As he got older. He became better behaved with his kids because...he saw we all hated him. He is still pretty awful with my mom. Maybe marginally better. Very marginally. So to our faces now....he is very polite and nice. But behind our backs my mom says he still often talks shit and is also highly judgemental. He also will bully her into trying to control our behavior so that he does not look like the bad guy. Such as harassing her to be on me about being overweight....even though I have no health issues due to it and it does not bother me....he is obsessed. Constantly trying to force me to exercise in ways he thinks is the only real exercise (ie walking outside when it is hot as shit here always) or going to the gym or swimming laps. I do not even like exercising in any of those ways. Or only stocking the house with food he thinks is healthy. Ie ultra processed no fat no sugar no salt shit. Not even real food. Tons of fillers put in to replace real nutrients. Or vegetables or like grilled meat (neither of which my mom can make) That's it.
He also is constantly stressed about money....but instead of doing smart budgeting...identifying more important vs less important needs....he is basically like....does this issue affect me? No? I'm not addressing it. So like...our showers were clogged for months...nothing. Wasp infestation upstairs not where he stays. Doesn't care. Upstairs AC broken and it's 80 degrees inside. Did not care until AC broke downstairs where he stays too.
He is also totally emotionally unavailable. If we were stressed or upset. He punished us for it. Like would scream at us and abuse us for showing any sort of negative emotion ever pretty much. We all learned to just....hide if we felt bad.
He also teased us constantly as kids and genuinely enjoyed annoying us. He would be abusive as shit yelling and throwing stuff....then next day come home from work asking for a big hug and whacking us on the head and standing in front of the tv so we couldn't see it stuff like that. There were no positive interactions. It was either outright aggression or obnoxious teasing. That's it.
He also tried to use me as a marital counselor....and caretaker and doctor for my mom.
They are objectively just awful parents. They were really not even parents to me growing up. I did not rely on them in this way. They were just....troublesome roommates. My mom could be nice or funny so I got along with her better as a kid until I grew up and realized her "niceness" was coated in layers of nasty.
They both have reasons why they are they way they are. I don't care anymore. Not my problem. The only beneficial thing we have received from them really is financial support, and letting us stay at their house. We are aiming to try to fix our situation asap so we do not have to fall back on them like this. But it's hard. My husband and I are both disabled. On top of there being a shitty housing situation in the US right now and it not being affordable for like....anyone. We struggle badly. But we are slowly chipping away. We dream of having a home of our own someday. Of starting a new family and leaving this broken sick one behind. I will happily have my siblings still in my life. I do not intend to keep my parents in my life unless they actually address their issues. Which....I don't think they will bc I have been trying with them for years since they wouldn't accept help from anyone else and I was watching them destroy themselves and our family. And I am a psychiatric nurse so....am fairly qualified but....it was really inappropriate for me to try to help them like that. They are my parents...they should have been my help and support. They never were.
Shoutout to everyone else out there with shitty parents. May we find our own better healthier and more loving families 🥲
They are both....deeply problematic people who have pretty much no interest in addressing their issues.
My mom I am butting heads worst with right now. She is highly critical and judgemental. She harasses us for not eating what she cooks even though she does not cook what we request (despite offering), we don't like her cooking anyways, she does not make enough food for everyone ever, does not cook when we actually like to eat, etc. We were literally starving trying to survive off her food. My husband lost all his muscle mass. I got arfid (bad eating disorder) from trying to force myself to eat her shit food or be verbally abused about it. I have bad anxiety around eating now.
If we get any sort of takeout....or even if we get groceries and I just say I am making my own food. She makes snide comments like she will grab our takeout to hand to us and say "here is your garbage". Or try to victimize herself and say she just wants to feed us why are we so mean and don't eat her food when she puts her pride and joy into it. It is a literal battle almost any time we try to eat. Like she is just trying to starve us. Evil.
When I told her of my abuse history and that it had caught up to me and I needed time to heal and be left alone. She tried to tell me maybe I was making it up and it was psychosis and all this other gaslighting shit. When I try to address her problematic behavior with her she goes who me?? I would never i am your perfect loving mother who loves you! I have never done anything bad and neither has your dad! And now every day she sends me texts trying to make me feel guilty for not spending time with her and that I am "depriving her of an important friend" when I literally said I am basically putting myself through in home inpatient and need to be left alone to heal and just wanted space.
She also has a long history of using me as a therapist and marital counselor and ignoring every attempt at a boundary I have ever set. She is totally emotionally unavailable and never comforted us as kids or helped us through anything difficult we dealt with. Just told us to get over it it wasn't bad or we were being dramatic. She basically had me raise my little siblings. I was babysitting from the age of 3 because I was "very mature for my age" and "capable". In highschool I'd often be left with my 5 younger siblings, two of which were very young twin girls for hours while my parents went out shopping or whatever. I had severe mental health issues at the time (which were not being treated as my parents never addressed any of our issues as I said). It was torture for me. I loved my siblings, still do. It was too much.
She is also an alcoholic and will not address it just says she doesn't care. It is severe and badly effects everyone in the home.
She is toxic as shit, and tries to take everyone around her down with her. When we move out I intend on completely severing the relationship unless she makes serious changes. Which I doubt she will.
On to my dad. My dad...was verbally and physically abusive to us all growing up. Had absolutely explosive temper and would throw tantrums over the stupidest shit like he couldn't find the remote like we didn't have it on his chair for him when he got home. Or because we would ask him to turn his loud rock music down when the babies were sleeping in the room right next to him. Etc. It was like living with pissy child. Super control freak issues too, if everything wasn't done perfectly his way he'd blow up. It ruined pretty much every holiday meal and outing we had together bc it all had to be "perfect" how he wanted it. He was also severely abusive to my mom verbally, physically and sexually. And is very controlling of her....does not even allow her to get professional help for her alcoholism. Or therapy. Nothing. Even if she wanted it. A couple times she has actually asked and he shot her down. Doesn't let her go to bed when she wants. Doesn't let her use her phone around him. Didn't let her travel out of town to see her elderly father bc he couldn't go too. Etc. He doesn't let her have any privacy either. Checks her phone and if she had any journals he would check those too. His physical abuse was never bad enough to leave marks so for a long time I didn't see it as physical abuse but it was. She has a GI disorder and sometimes struggles with eating due to it. Instead of trying to get her foods she really likes or that are easy to digest....he forces her to eat whatever he feels is best. And if she tries to sneakily throw it away, he has made her eat it out of the trash. He also has history of forcing her to wait on him hand and foot. Get him water. Prepare his meals for him whatever he wants. Really do whatever he wants whenever he wants. He also forces her to cut off any friends who tell her he might be abusive or try to stand up for her in any way.
As he got older. He became better behaved with his kids because...he saw we all hated him. He is still pretty awful with my mom. Maybe marginally better. Very marginally. So to our faces now....he is very polite and nice. But behind our backs my mom says he still often talks shit and is also highly judgemental. He also will bully her into trying to control our behavior so that he does not look like the bad guy. Such as harassing her to be on me about being overweight....even though I have no health issues due to it and it does not bother me....he is obsessed. Constantly trying to force me to exercise in ways he thinks is the only real exercise (ie walking outside when it is hot as shit here always) or going to the gym or swimming laps. I do not even like exercising in any of those ways. Or only stocking the house with food he thinks is healthy. Ie ultra processed no fat no sugar no salt shit. Not even real food. Tons of fillers put in to replace real nutrients. Or vegetables or like grilled meat (neither of which my mom can make) That's it.
He also is constantly stressed about money....but instead of doing smart budgeting...identifying more important vs less important needs....he is basically like....does this issue affect me? No? I'm not addressing it. So like...our showers were clogged for months...nothing. Wasp infestation upstairs not where he stays. Doesn't care. Upstairs AC broken and it's 80 degrees inside. Did not care until AC broke downstairs where he stays too.
He is also totally emotionally unavailable. If we were stressed or upset. He punished us for it. Like would scream at us and abuse us for showing any sort of negative emotion ever pretty much. We all learned to just....hide if we felt bad.
He also teased us constantly as kids and genuinely enjoyed annoying us. He would be abusive as shit yelling and throwing stuff....then next day come home from work asking for a big hug and whacking us on the head and standing in front of the tv so we couldn't see it stuff like that. There were no positive interactions. It was either outright aggression or obnoxious teasing. That's it.
He also tried to use me as a marital counselor....and caretaker and doctor for my mom.
They are objectively just awful parents. They were really not even parents to me growing up. I did not rely on them in this way. They were just....troublesome roommates. My mom could be nice or funny so I got along with her better as a kid until I grew up and realized her "niceness" was coated in layers of nasty.
They both have reasons why they are they way they are. I don't care anymore. Not my problem. The only beneficial thing we have received from them really is financial support, and letting us stay at their house. We are aiming to try to fix our situation asap so we do not have to fall back on them like this. But it's hard. My husband and I are both disabled. On top of there being a shitty housing situation in the US right now and it not being affordable for like....anyone. We struggle badly. But we are slowly chipping away. We dream of having a home of our own someday. Of starting a new family and leaving this broken sick one behind. I will happily have my siblings still in my life. I do not intend to keep my parents in my life unless they actually address their issues. Which....I don't think they will bc I have been trying with them for years since they wouldn't accept help from anyone else and I was watching them destroy themselves and our family. And I am a psychiatric nurse so....am fairly qualified but....it was really inappropriate for me to try to help them like that. They are my parents...they should have been my help and support. They never were.
Shoutout to everyone else out there with shitty parents. May we find our own better healthier and more loving families 🥲
