Living as my own parent
I'm starting this by saying that I'm thankful that both of my parents are alive and well, and I'm grateful because they managed to raise my older sister and I. I'm aware of how hard it must have been for them to start bulding a family and a house from nothing and their efforts don't go unappreciated. I cherish every single thing they offer me, especially the fact that they let me study and they provided me with books and other necessary materials. I know they have their own wounds they left unhealed and overlooked because they got married young and had to raise children, and I am eternally grateful that they've found the power to keep this family afloat even with all the fighting and scandals they've had over the years. Money was always a huge problem for us and it lead to a lot of fighting and even violence in this house, causing me and my sister a lot of trauma of our own. Still, I've always tried my best to be understanding. Maybe my parents didn't love each other that much, but they both loved us and that's what made them strong for many many years. Thank you, mom and dad!
Growing up, me and my sister were never that close with our dad. He was scary sometimes. He also worked more than he was at home. He has a drinking problem and he'd get very mad very quick and start throwing things around, screaming and picking fights with mom. It wasn't easy, but my sister and I cried together in our shared bedroom, under our blankets. She'd have me go by the door to check what's happening, and I'd always go like a brave soldier. Keep in mind my sister is 6 years older than me :)). Our father is nothing too far from a standard alcoholic, distant father.. or so I thought.
Nevermind about dad now, I'm gonna start telling you the real issue I struggled with more than anything.
Growing up I noticed how my older sister and my mom were getting along very well. I don't know if it's because my sister is my mom's first child or if it's just about her personality, but they've always had this special bond that looks so perfect. My sister would always come up to mom for advice, and they'd always have so much fun talking about boys and dresses and parties and friends. They could talk for hours on end having fun like bestfriends. I was never part of that.
When I was little, they wouldn't even let me in the room while they talked, but as I grew up they tolerated me enough to let me sit in.
Their two people club was already complete and they weren't accepting more members.. so I'd always play by myself outside, talking to myself or to my dog (the only one willing to listen tbh). That's why I was always so so lonely. I felt lonely even as I sat in during their usual chatting sessions because I wasn't allowed to speak or interrupt them. That's something that always happens even now, as things only became worse in time and my loneliness grew to the point where I talk about it on the internet instead of adressing this issue to my mother who sits in the other room right now. Anyways, when my older sister left for college I thought I'd have it all for myself. Everything that me and my sister used to share was becoming my own: our room, our bed, our desk (we were poor, we couldn't afford more than one of each furniture item so we shared basically everything and tbh to this day nothing changed, she's just away). I thought that since my sister is gone 5 days of the week it means I basically become an only child. I thought I'd also have mom... I was excited.
But my mom had different plans. When my sister went to college, mom got the idea that she should finish her own studies and pursue her childhood dream of becoming a nurse. Obviously, the whole process of that turned out to be harder and longer than anticipated, so it resulted in my mom being drowned in homework, studying, exams and loans for almost six years...
It made no sense to me why would mom start studying at first, as I was only in 7th grade and I was expecting to have a different relationship with her, especially because my sister was away most of the time.
Because of all the stress caused by school, my mom became a completely different person. She used to make me and my sister do most of the housework together all the time anyway, but now my sister was away and my mom was studying so I had to do it all by myself. It was very hard for me because both my parents are very bad at keeping things neat. I always did my best to keep it tidy tho.
My mom had to prove to dad that all that money she spend wouldn't go to waste, so she studied as hard as she could. Obviously, my relationship with my mom grew even colder than before. I'd get frustrated that mom won't help me with any housework, let alone sit around and talk to me like how she did with my sister in the past.
I went through a lot by myself. I experienced bullying in middle school from both students and teachers. I also took it upon myself to be a therapist to my friends who were struggling, despite having my own problems. I then lost all of my friends when highschool started, experienced yet even more bullying. I remember in 9th grade I was crying every tuesday afternoon like it was a set time to have a mental breakdown, then 10th grade rolled around and I was crying myself to sleep every night. I had many reasons to cry. Highschool wasn't kind to me, my parents were arguing all the time, dad was drinking, mom couldn't give a damn about me or dad because she was busy studying. And above all that, I had to be responsible. The house needed tending, we couldn't be living in a mess and my mom behaved like a child. I swear all that stress made her reverse to her teenage years, and it added at least 30+ years to my age. I had to do paperwork for my mom, scrub the house clean for my dad while still doing my own schoolwork, dealing with my own problems.
I had no support from my parents. All this school thing my mom got into made both of my parents behave like insane people, they stopped being adults, they stopped being my parents. So I became the parent. I'd cook for dad, serve it to him like you'd do to a toddler, I'd also help mom with her school work whenever I could. I'd pick up their trash after them... I'd bring my dad his medication and a cup of water at the set time that he was supposed to take it like he was a child...
I was single handedly parenting two grown adults while also being their housekeeper and secretary. I'd even go on errands such as paying bills and grocery shopping..
My dad even told me once that I take care of them better than a mother would. He told me "You're our mom now". I truly was a mother to them. In all that mess I forgot how to be a child.
I'd cry all night and work all day. What a life of a teenage girl who is supposed to have fun, right?
My relationship with my parents was very different from my sister's when she was my age. She got the stress free mom who would have time for silly gossip and girl talk, while I got student mom who'd tell me to shut up and leave her concentrate. My sister got a mom who'd go shopping with her, but I got a mom who hands the bills to me and says "Figure it out and have them paid". I gave up my good grades in school because I had to be a parent to my parents and to myself. I had so much in my mind that I was too anxious to even utter a word in school.
I can pour my whole heart here in writing, but if you send me out in the world I can't even say my name.
While my sister worried about boys and parties when she was my age, and had the full support of my mom to go live her youth, I got stuck between piles of laundry and dirty dishes, swallowing my tongue everytime I got mad at my parents for leaving their clothes around for me to wash and fold.
It was a nightmare.
Now I'm a senior in highschool and my mom finally got a job! She got rid of all the stress of her exams and she did become a nurse. I'm so proud of her. Adulthood somehow came back to her. She's slowly becoming more like she used to be 6 years ago, but my teenage years are already ending and I don't feel like a child to be taken care of anymore. Deep in my soul I'm still 13 years old, begging on my knees to get attention from my mom, yearning for the same love and parenting she gave to my sister. The efforts I made to bring myself up to what I am now were not enough because I had two more people to carry on my back. I'm also a failure when it comes to academics because I had no time to study. I was always too preoccupied with adult life to study.
I got mad at my parents because they're not my parents anymore and they don't understand. My sister overlooks my troubles and says it's not that bad, but she didn't witness half of it, she wasn't even here.
In the end, I still only have myself to talk to. I know nothing of teenage years.. I know nothing of childhood anymore. And it's too late for my mom to come back to being my mom. It's too late and it hurts. I want to be her baby so hard but I can't. I know she wants to offer me what she couldn't these six years but I want nothing from her anymore. They drained me of my childhood. And I'm still not ready for anything yet. I'm not ready to leave this house for college, yet all I could wish for is to pack my bags and go away forever. I want to be a child and be spoiled and loved, and have mom's attention all focused on me. And nobody understands... no one understands me. I can keep yapping all I want and it's no use. I wasted my life. I wish I could crawl in a hole and live there forever..
The saddest thing that I thought about right now is how I'll never be this young again. I'll never be this age again. My mom would never guide me like she did with my sister because I'm too old for that now. But I feel like I'm just 13... ever since I was 13 I was my own parent. Mom experienced being a parent and raising a teenager with my sister and then forgot all about me. I raised myself and I did whatever my parents asked of me like a soldier.
I can see how excited my mom is to buy me stuff with her new hard earned money but I don't want any of that. I want my mom. I want to be seen and understood. I want her to talk to me at least once, and not about what new snacks I want to try, or what new clothes I need. We never talked about life, or about how I've been doing. To be honest, I've been doing very poorly. I've been struggling for years without end, but she doesn't know about it. I'm trying to put on a happy face and act as if I'm all good but I'm not. And it's too late for her to understand. It's too late for me too. This whole chunk of my life made me feel like a stranger in this family. What can I do...
Growing up, me and my sister were never that close with our dad. He was scary sometimes. He also worked more than he was at home. He has a drinking problem and he'd get very mad very quick and start throwing things around, screaming and picking fights with mom. It wasn't easy, but my sister and I cried together in our shared bedroom, under our blankets. She'd have me go by the door to check what's happening, and I'd always go like a brave soldier. Keep in mind my sister is 6 years older than me :)). Our father is nothing too far from a standard alcoholic, distant father.. or so I thought.
Nevermind about dad now, I'm gonna start telling you the real issue I struggled with more than anything.
Growing up I noticed how my older sister and my mom were getting along very well. I don't know if it's because my sister is my mom's first child or if it's just about her personality, but they've always had this special bond that looks so perfect. My sister would always come up to mom for advice, and they'd always have so much fun talking about boys and dresses and parties and friends. They could talk for hours on end having fun like bestfriends. I was never part of that.
When I was little, they wouldn't even let me in the room while they talked, but as I grew up they tolerated me enough to let me sit in.
Their two people club was already complete and they weren't accepting more members.. so I'd always play by myself outside, talking to myself or to my dog (the only one willing to listen tbh). That's why I was always so so lonely. I felt lonely even as I sat in during their usual chatting sessions because I wasn't allowed to speak or interrupt them. That's something that always happens even now, as things only became worse in time and my loneliness grew to the point where I talk about it on the internet instead of adressing this issue to my mother who sits in the other room right now. Anyways, when my older sister left for college I thought I'd have it all for myself. Everything that me and my sister used to share was becoming my own: our room, our bed, our desk (we were poor, we couldn't afford more than one of each furniture item so we shared basically everything and tbh to this day nothing changed, she's just away). I thought that since my sister is gone 5 days of the week it means I basically become an only child. I thought I'd also have mom... I was excited.
But my mom had different plans. When my sister went to college, mom got the idea that she should finish her own studies and pursue her childhood dream of becoming a nurse. Obviously, the whole process of that turned out to be harder and longer than anticipated, so it resulted in my mom being drowned in homework, studying, exams and loans for almost six years...
It made no sense to me why would mom start studying at first, as I was only in 7th grade and I was expecting to have a different relationship with her, especially because my sister was away most of the time.
Because of all the stress caused by school, my mom became a completely different person. She used to make me and my sister do most of the housework together all the time anyway, but now my sister was away and my mom was studying so I had to do it all by myself. It was very hard for me because both my parents are very bad at keeping things neat. I always did my best to keep it tidy tho.
My mom had to prove to dad that all that money she spend wouldn't go to waste, so she studied as hard as she could. Obviously, my relationship with my mom grew even colder than before. I'd get frustrated that mom won't help me with any housework, let alone sit around and talk to me like how she did with my sister in the past.
I went through a lot by myself. I experienced bullying in middle school from both students and teachers. I also took it upon myself to be a therapist to my friends who were struggling, despite having my own problems. I then lost all of my friends when highschool started, experienced yet even more bullying. I remember in 9th grade I was crying every tuesday afternoon like it was a set time to have a mental breakdown, then 10th grade rolled around and I was crying myself to sleep every night. I had many reasons to cry. Highschool wasn't kind to me, my parents were arguing all the time, dad was drinking, mom couldn't give a damn about me or dad because she was busy studying. And above all that, I had to be responsible. The house needed tending, we couldn't be living in a mess and my mom behaved like a child. I swear all that stress made her reverse to her teenage years, and it added at least 30+ years to my age. I had to do paperwork for my mom, scrub the house clean for my dad while still doing my own schoolwork, dealing with my own problems.
I had no support from my parents. All this school thing my mom got into made both of my parents behave like insane people, they stopped being adults, they stopped being my parents. So I became the parent. I'd cook for dad, serve it to him like you'd do to a toddler, I'd also help mom with her school work whenever I could. I'd pick up their trash after them... I'd bring my dad his medication and a cup of water at the set time that he was supposed to take it like he was a child...
I was single handedly parenting two grown adults while also being their housekeeper and secretary. I'd even go on errands such as paying bills and grocery shopping..
My dad even told me once that I take care of them better than a mother would. He told me "You're our mom now". I truly was a mother to them. In all that mess I forgot how to be a child.
I'd cry all night and work all day. What a life of a teenage girl who is supposed to have fun, right?
My relationship with my parents was very different from my sister's when she was my age. She got the stress free mom who would have time for silly gossip and girl talk, while I got student mom who'd tell me to shut up and leave her concentrate. My sister got a mom who'd go shopping with her, but I got a mom who hands the bills to me and says "Figure it out and have them paid". I gave up my good grades in school because I had to be a parent to my parents and to myself. I had so much in my mind that I was too anxious to even utter a word in school.
I can pour my whole heart here in writing, but if you send me out in the world I can't even say my name.
While my sister worried about boys and parties when she was my age, and had the full support of my mom to go live her youth, I got stuck between piles of laundry and dirty dishes, swallowing my tongue everytime I got mad at my parents for leaving their clothes around for me to wash and fold.
It was a nightmare.
Now I'm a senior in highschool and my mom finally got a job! She got rid of all the stress of her exams and she did become a nurse. I'm so proud of her. Adulthood somehow came back to her. She's slowly becoming more like she used to be 6 years ago, but my teenage years are already ending and I don't feel like a child to be taken care of anymore. Deep in my soul I'm still 13 years old, begging on my knees to get attention from my mom, yearning for the same love and parenting she gave to my sister. The efforts I made to bring myself up to what I am now were not enough because I had two more people to carry on my back. I'm also a failure when it comes to academics because I had no time to study. I was always too preoccupied with adult life to study.
I got mad at my parents because they're not my parents anymore and they don't understand. My sister overlooks my troubles and says it's not that bad, but she didn't witness half of it, she wasn't even here.
In the end, I still only have myself to talk to. I know nothing of teenage years.. I know nothing of childhood anymore. And it's too late for my mom to come back to being my mom. It's too late and it hurts. I want to be her baby so hard but I can't. I know she wants to offer me what she couldn't these six years but I want nothing from her anymore. They drained me of my childhood. And I'm still not ready for anything yet. I'm not ready to leave this house for college, yet all I could wish for is to pack my bags and go away forever. I want to be a child and be spoiled and loved, and have mom's attention all focused on me. And nobody understands... no one understands me. I can keep yapping all I want and it's no use. I wasted my life. I wish I could crawl in a hole and live there forever..
The saddest thing that I thought about right now is how I'll never be this young again. I'll never be this age again. My mom would never guide me like she did with my sister because I'm too old for that now. But I feel like I'm just 13... ever since I was 13 I was my own parent. Mom experienced being a parent and raising a teenager with my sister and then forgot all about me. I raised myself and I did whatever my parents asked of me like a soldier.
I can see how excited my mom is to buy me stuff with her new hard earned money but I don't want any of that. I want my mom. I want to be seen and understood. I want her to talk to me at least once, and not about what new snacks I want to try, or what new clothes I need. We never talked about life, or about how I've been doing. To be honest, I've been doing very poorly. I've been struggling for years without end, but she doesn't know about it. I'm trying to put on a happy face and act as if I'm all good but I'm not. And it's too late for her to understand. It's too late for me too. This whole chunk of my life made me feel like a stranger in this family. What can I do...
