What should I do?

My fiancé asked me to look for his ring, that he thought it was somewhere in the room so I did. I looked through everything, including his backpack he occasionally takes to work. I found his ring in there but I also found a pack of cigarettes. He knows how I feel about smoking-his father and younger brother are addicted and I felt lucky he wasn’t even trying because he sees how his dad struggles to quit. His father even after breaking ribs and struggling to breathe couldn’t quit. Anyways, i don’t know how or if i even should bring it up. Should I be subliminal and just bring up a conversation about cigarettes? I don’t know. He’s obviously hiding it from me since he doesn’t do it here with me or around the house. He had asked me months ago what I would do if I found out he picked up smoking and I responded with “you already know I think it’s dumb and setting yourself up” and he said nothing to that. I had my suspicions then but didn’t push further. I worry he will become like his father and starting this young would cause issues for him later. I really dislike that he’s smoking and especially that he’s hiding it because he knows it’s wrong. It feels disrespectful. Even when we were just dating he knew how I felt about cigarettes. It’s like he’s always doing whatever to fit in or look cool.

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beermeplease · M

show him my reply to your post...it was this week 2 years ago my mom was laying in a hospital bed since jan 12. we put her in the hospital because her legs were rotting from the inside out. her foot was already amputated. this was due to clogged blood vessels near her pelvis restricting blood flow to her legs. as she was laying in her bed the infections must have been really messed with her mind as she could only grunt when she tried to speak. i think it was today or tomorrow that marks the anniversary of the doctors asking my brother and i if we would consider putting her in palliative care. they told us they had to amputate her entire leg and she probably wouldn't survive that operation as eventually her other leg would have had to be amputated....and her lungs were turning to mush as well...but her breathing was problematic months/years before that....she died march 7 2022...rip mom. i love you...

JimboSaturn · 51-55, M

I would tell him he should not hide his smoking even though you disapprove. You can't control people so you should allow him to smoke freely but encourage him to stop.

easterniowegin · 51-55, M

Have you sensed smoke smell on him or his things? Is it possible it isn't what you think it is?

Cloak and dagger doesn't work in a relationship. Don't try to be 'subliminal' be straightforward. Confront him if you feel the need, but maintain your composure and keep emotions out of it, if you can. That will resonate more with him than turning an interaction into an opportunity to nag him.

Ontheroad · M

He is lying to you and hiding things that are important to you... not a good sign and usually means he would rather lie than be truthful and deal with an issue.

You should bring it up and tell him how it bothers you... use "I" statements. Something along the lines of "I feel hurt and betrayed because I learned you are lying to me." Don't go into the conversation accusing him or he will get defensive.

Blondily · F

Just tell him you discovered his cigarettes while looking for his ring in a kind way.
Ask him what you can do to help him stop smoking if he actually wants to.

BTW from experience if a man asks you what would you do if I was....?
That's a clue that he's already doing it.😏

PunkRockSuperStar · 56-60, M

If he's smoking, I'm pretty sure you'll smell it on his breath and clothes. It's a strong and unpleasant smell to non-smokers, and I doubt if there's any way to disguise it.

Fluffybull · F

I'd find a new boyfriend, tbh.

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