The traumatic moment

I remember my ex hit my son who just turned 1 he was crying in his crib he would tell me to leave him in his crib when all my son Wanted to do Is be a baby and walk around. My son was crying and he was sick, he ended up hitting him or flicking him , it would anger me because he would tell me to leave him alone and didn’t allow me to pick him up. I told him he didn’t need to hit him and he would complain that I wasnt spending time with him, I wanted to kill him and that’s why I put him in jail because I’ll never forgive or forget , there was no reason for him to do that and just because he was horny or wanted attention he was mad at my son for interrupting the time we had . My son cried pretty hard and it made me wonder the times I left him what he really did when my son was in his care. I barely left him I had him in daycare . That night I wanted to kill him and I kept my cool but I would get hot flashes of wanting to bury him stab him.. he even took his phone out to record me saying that I wasn’t allowing him to discipline my son .. it was so toxic those memories I make sure i remeber because I don’t want to ever give him custody or the time of Day again. I’m in a constant battle of my mind because of what he’s has DOne to my child , and me as well . All those empty promises and abuse , making it seem I was hard to deal with when it was him. He was nice some days and then there were days he was argumentative and out of control and took that out on everybody and I really don’t care for him at all but I’m tired of feeling like I did something wrong to him when he deserves to rot in jail , he’s on a boat where there is 800 inmates and no privacy , I hope they beat his ass literally