Apple crisp at midnight

One of the only times I ever remember cuddling with my mum, was the time my dad left (oh, he left many times actually, but this was one of the worst).

My mum made apple crisp for her and I and we curled up in a reclining chair together, listening to a movie. I remember falling asleep against her. Waking up many times because I was so uneasy. Weary, exhausted... So was she. But so much more, I'm sure.

Every time a relationship ends, I feel the same way as that did. Just lost and hopeless and loved but unwanted by one so I feel like I can never be happy again. Worthless and unwanted

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Ryannnnnn · 31-35, M

As a kid we tend to internalise those kinds of things so maybe it's a reflection of how you felt then when your dad would leave. The whole worthless and unwanted side of it seems it could be as it's quite a strong reaction and emotions when we're younger tend to be blunt and quite intense.

I know the feeling though so I feel ya..

caccoon · 36-40

@Ryannnnnn it was a very extreme feeling of loss of stability whenever he'd leave. And then a lot of confusing feelings in between because I didn't like him in a lot of ways too. I think that I feel that now when things end, even though I'm very independent now.

I'm sorry you know the feeling 😔

Ryannnnnn · 31-35, M

@caccoon I had a partner who went through the same, and I had a messy childhood also. I released a lot of it through therapy though so I'd recommend it. Just know that it's not that you're "bad" or anything like that, it's just old trauma that colours the present, when that's been released, you'll realise it :)

caccoon · 36-40

@Ryannnnnn Thank you very much. I know I need to do therapy specifically for this stuff at some point. I never really realised it but I do think I have a lot of trauma there and I have a lot of abandonment issues

Thank you <3

Ryannnnnn · 31-35, M

@caccoon Earlier you do it the quicker you can start living your life to the fullest :)

caccoon · 36-40

@Ryannnnnn For the past year or so, I have been focusing on DBT and it's really helped me in a lot of ways. But the relationships are a real struggle for me

Ryannnnnn · 31-35, M

@caccoon That's great, combined with timeline work it should help. Yeah those feelings usually come up when we're most vulnerable or when there's something we really care about.