I’m wide awake

I’m not exactly sure what it is I’m feeling. It’s a mix of sadness, anger, sympathy, and heartache…. My grandmother casually mentioned that when I was a young child I was close to my dad and she was wondering what happened. It was early in the morning at the time ( and I’m not a morning person) so my brain wasn’t quite retrieving the information on my dad at the time, so I just said “mmm” and shrugged. The conversation continues to a different topic…Later that day I started thinking of things, quite upsetting. I started wondering if I should mention my reasons… Days go by. I remember again. Weeks, again I remember. This week I’ve now thought of the reasons why practically everyday. I keep rehearsing what I’d say to her about my dad over and over again. It’s upsetting and everytime I speak to her in my mind I remember another memory…My dad is visiting her this week. I’ve been wondering if he’s there playing the “victim card”. It makes me mad and annoyed if he is. We aren’t close and we don’t talk and it’s not my fault. I don’t talk to him as an ”effect” I’m definitely not the “cause”. He’s a jerk. …Part of me wants to tell her everything. But he’s her son. I’m afraid she’ll deny the gravity of it all even though she wants to know the truth. I know my reasons are sane reasons as to why I keep my distance and I love my grandmother very much. I don’t need the truths of my life that have made me who I am today at risk of being denied by someone who doesn’t want the truth to be true. I’ve already had to deal with coming into this world as a young adult alone. The moments I had w her in those times kept me grounded. I didn’t see her everyday but having her “there” kept me going. It’s not like her denying the truth in this sense is as equivalent and trivial as someone just deciding to have a salad over a cheeseburger. Knowing her denial about this sort of truth would be like her denying me and being denied by “my rock” would hurt. I don’t want to feel hurt or relive any hurt out loud…. I want to tell her all the whys, but there’s a lot ridding on that moment if it were to happen….Tomorrow is my moms birthday too, times are delicate with me, especially now… Miss you xoxo