DoubleRings · 51-55, F
OKOKOK. Listen. I’m not saying you’re perfect in this but listen to me carefully.
I read your entire post ( and normally i don’t read posts that long, but I can kind of relate. You have to remember some things first.
1. Although it’s shitty your bro never got a chance to meet with you, it sounds like the push was largely from your parents. You said you don’t really enjoy your parents. You’re entitled to that. It’s OK.
2. It’s easy to look at the past with rose coloured glasses so beware. You said you didn’t really know your brother that much - so how you know he was loving and innocent? Maybe he wasn’t. Maybe your parents were pushing him to connect with you, just as much as they were pushing you to connect with him.
3. We can’t change the past. What’s done is done and regret brings us nothing. You made your choices then because you had a reason. Was it selfish? Or was it actually protective? Were you avoiding your parents more than your brother?
4. Your parents made a choice to have your brother late in life. It’s not your fault (and here’s the part i really connect with). Even though he was younger than you, your parents have to understand you’re in the middle of living your own life and not even living in the same region with your own family. Your life doesn’t revolve around a sibling just because he is younger, born later, and living with your parents. So don’t own that guilt. It was your parents choice to have a child that they had to have known before he was even born, would be disconnected from his other siblings.
5. Grief will play tricks on you. Don’t fall for it. Get counselling if you have to. At the very least, there is a lesson here. You can’t change the past but maybe you can consider how you will change in the future.
I read your entire post ( and normally i don’t read posts that long, but I can kind of relate. You have to remember some things first.
1. Although it’s shitty your bro never got a chance to meet with you, it sounds like the push was largely from your parents. You said you don’t really enjoy your parents. You’re entitled to that. It’s OK.
2. It’s easy to look at the past with rose coloured glasses so beware. You said you didn’t really know your brother that much - so how you know he was loving and innocent? Maybe he wasn’t. Maybe your parents were pushing him to connect with you, just as much as they were pushing you to connect with him.
3. We can’t change the past. What’s done is done and regret brings us nothing. You made your choices then because you had a reason. Was it selfish? Or was it actually protective? Were you avoiding your parents more than your brother?
4. Your parents made a choice to have your brother late in life. It’s not your fault (and here’s the part i really connect with). Even though he was younger than you, your parents have to understand you’re in the middle of living your own life and not even living in the same region with your own family. Your life doesn’t revolve around a sibling just because he is younger, born later, and living with your parents. So don’t own that guilt. It was your parents choice to have a child that they had to have known before he was even born, would be disconnected from his other siblings.
5. Grief will play tricks on you. Don’t fall for it. Get counselling if you have to. At the very least, there is a lesson here. You can’t change the past but maybe you can consider how you will change in the future.
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DoubleRings · 51-55, F
@Anonymous567 It’s unfortunate for your brother but if you feel how you did about your parents then that’s prob the reason you avoided your brother. It’s OK to make choices that meet our needs. You needed to not be with your parents and thus your brother. I bet you felt that talking to your brother might lead to your parents somehow someway. And that’s prob the reason you didn’t even talk to him. I get it. It’s OK. I bet if your bro had a context of your relatnsp with your parents, and if he were of mature mind, he wouldn’t hold it against you either.
You know some parents beleive that having a child mends problems. We’re your parents like this? Did they have White Picket Fence Syndrome believing that even though you had a strained relatnsp, you would magically come in and overlook the pain and hurt just to be with the one sibling that they decided to have? Did they think this would absolve them of any wrongs committed to you? Is that what they were hoping? Idk. Maybe you don’t know either. But it’s food for thought.
The child was theirs not yours. I know it sounds insensitive but your are entitled to boundaries given the fact that you’re decades older, have your own family, are not local, and have a crappy relatnsp with your parents! If anyone holds that against you or can’t understand it, then there’s something wrong.
Forgive yourself.
You know some parents beleive that having a child mends problems. We’re your parents like this? Did they have White Picket Fence Syndrome believing that even though you had a strained relatnsp, you would magically come in and overlook the pain and hurt just to be with the one sibling that they decided to have? Did they think this would absolve them of any wrongs committed to you? Is that what they were hoping? Idk. Maybe you don’t know either. But it’s food for thought.
The child was theirs not yours. I know it sounds insensitive but your are entitled to boundaries given the fact that you’re decades older, have your own family, are not local, and have a crappy relatnsp with your parents! If anyone holds that against you or can’t understand it, then there’s something wrong.
Forgive yourself.
Anonymous567 · 46-50, F
@DoubleRings my parents never planned to have my brother. It was a miracle that my mom was able to get pregnant. It was a very rare moment and my parents decided that they would keep it. Many people in my family were against it because the risk it would come with. I was mad and upset that they would keep the baby because of their age.
DoubleRings · 51-55, F
@Anonymous567 It really doesn’t matter if he was planned or not. When you decide to do the horizontal mambo with someone there’s always a possible outcome of pregnancy. It’s still no ones responsibility except their own. And maybe they still kind of hoped the family could mend as a result so they themselves wouldn’t have to feel guilty for your (or any other siblings’) absences. You all grew up in a cohort with each other so to speak lol. The last son was far removed from the others. They prob had a hard time owning that.
SinlessOnslaught · M
Anonymous567 · 46-50, F
@SinlessOnslaught I really don't deserve sympathy. I've done this to myself and I will never have a chance to be the loving and caring sister that he deserved
SinlessOnslaught · M
@Anonymous567 I mostly mean I'm sorry in general. To hear about it.
Fertilization · 36-40, F
Summerbreeze45 · 51-55, F
Anonymous567 · 46-50, F
@leowander thank you for the response. I have been going to therapy the past year and I'm only getting worse. I've been trying my hardest to get back where I used to be.
SW-User
How did he die? Visit his grave and talk to him. It might help you feel better. Why did you hate him?
SW-User
@Anonymous567 i understand how you feel. I did something cruel to a family member and it haunts me forever especially at night. You’re not alone with the guilty feelings. Remember he was loved by your parents. Some kids aren’t that fortunate especially the ones that get abused.
Anonymous567 · 46-50, F
SW-User
You are welcome. Take care of yourself. 🌈❤️🌈@Anonymous567
REMsleep · 41-45, F
If you aren't religious or have decided to reject theistic ideology then stop reading here because I have choosen to reply from that point of view.
I have never heard of a case more so than yours of someone that needs the kind of forgiveness that only God can deliver.
In Christian theology we all sin and do wrong and while the bad things that you did might look worse to the world compared to the everyday wrongs that we all do they in fact are not.
I might yell at a food service worker about my order on the day that his mother died and this might be the tipping point in his long standing depression which causes him to commit suicide. I will never know of all of the hurt that my actions have caused others.
We all do horrible wrongs all of the time.
I urge you to ask God to forgive you so that you can then forgive yourself because if the Creator of all existence has forgiven you then who are you to not believe that you are worthy of that grace?
There is so much more that I could say on this from other angles but this is already too long.
I agree with others that seeking help and perspective is always best as well.
God Bless.
I have never heard of a case more so than yours of someone that needs the kind of forgiveness that only God can deliver.
In Christian theology we all sin and do wrong and while the bad things that you did might look worse to the world compared to the everyday wrongs that we all do they in fact are not.
I might yell at a food service worker about my order on the day that his mother died and this might be the tipping point in his long standing depression which causes him to commit suicide. I will never know of all of the hurt that my actions have caused others.
We all do horrible wrongs all of the time.
I urge you to ask God to forgive you so that you can then forgive yourself because if the Creator of all existence has forgiven you then who are you to not believe that you are worthy of that grace?
There is so much more that I could say on this from other angles but this is already too long.
I agree with others that seeking help and perspective is always best as well.
God Bless.
bijouxbroussard · F
Seriously, and I’m not saying this to be unkind, counseling might help you work through this. There’s nothing you can change about what happened, and you still have a life to live. You deserve to be able to forgive yourself and live the rest of it in some kind of peace. I strongly urge you to look into that if you’re not already. This is obviously eating you up and talking it over with a professional might help you begin to heal.
Anonymous567 · 46-50, F
@bijouxbroussard i have been going to therapy about year now. at first it was helping cope my feelings but these past few months everything has been going downhill.