I was a horribe and a cold hearted sister to my youngest brother who passed away

Today marks the one year anniversary of my youngest brother's unfortunate death. It's been exactly one year since his unexpected death. Depression and guilt have been killing me this past year because the way I've treated him. This is really hard for me to write. Just thinking about this puts me in a really dark place. A dark place I've in for the past year. I have lost at least 60 pounds of weight over that last 10 months without no intention.

I grew up in a big family. Im the oldest out of 9 kids.
I'm 44 turning 45 this November. My brother passed away at the young age of 13 last year. He would've turned 14 this December. That is 31 years apart. No joke. Same exact parents. My mother gave birth to me at the age of 22 and my father at 30

Thirty years later,my mother at the age of 52 and my father at 60, gave birth to my brother.It was a shock because my parents haven't had a child since my second youngest brother who was 17 at that time. Also my kids would have an uncle younger than them.

i was across the country from my parents and my brother. They lived in California while I was living In Boston with my husband and my kids.All my other siblings are married and have moved across the country. So it was just my parents and my youngest brother living in California. My brother had all these siblings but was being raised like an only child.

I never really knew my brother. I never gave him attention he deserved. I would purposely try to avoid talking to him on the phone what so ever. My relationship with my parents has always been horrible. It was soo bad that I didn't even Invite them to my wedding. The situation is soo complicated that I can't do in depth. So when I found out that they are going to have another child, I was totally mad and found it selfish.

The last time I've seen my brother when he was 11. I didn't bother or care to make a relationship with him despite my parent's trying their hardest to build one. They always wanted the youngest to feel like my siblings cared despite our relationship.

The one thing I regret the most is that I've been Los Angeles with my husband and kids. I've took them to Disneyland at the end of 2019. I never once visited my parents or brother during my trip to California. My parents eventually found out that we were in the city. They were quite disappointed that I was not willing visit during my stay. My parents told me personally that they don't care if they have decided not to visit. But one thing they really wanted was to take my brother to Disneyland along with my children.

They even offered to pay for him.But with me being so bitter and hateful, I refused to take my brother to Disneyland just because I hated every bit of my parents. My brother even tried to text me privately but I ignored everything. I even blocked his number.How can a person be so evil and heartless. This guilty feeling will never leave me. My brother was kind and innocent. He deserved to be loved by his own siblings.
He passed away knowing he had no one to call his own brother and sister. I robbed my kids from having a relationship with their uncle. I robbed my brother from having a loving and caring sister to giving him a cold hearted and evil sister.

Also please ignore the horrible Grammer. I was really not paying attention

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DoubleRings · 51-55, F

OKOKOK. Listen. I’m not saying you’re perfect in this but listen to me carefully.

I read your entire post ( and normally i don’t read posts that long, but I can kind of relate. You have to remember some things first.

1. Although it’s shitty your bro never got a chance to meet with you, it sounds like the push was largely from your parents. You said you don’t really enjoy your parents. You’re entitled to that. It’s OK.

2. It’s easy to look at the past with rose coloured glasses so beware. You said you didn’t really know your brother that much - so how you know he was loving and innocent? Maybe he wasn’t. Maybe your parents were pushing him to connect with you, just as much as they were pushing you to connect with him.

3. We can’t change the past. What’s done is done and regret brings us nothing. You made your choices then because you had a reason. Was it selfish? Or was it actually protective? Were you avoiding your parents more than your brother?

4. Your parents made a choice to have your brother late in life. It’s not your fault (and here’s the part i really connect with). Even though he was younger than you, your parents have to understand you’re in the middle of living your own life and not even living in the same region with your own family. Your life doesn’t revolve around a sibling just because he is younger, born later, and living with your parents. So don’t own that guilt. It was your parents choice to have a child that they had to have known before he was even born, would be disconnected from his other siblings.

5. Grief will play tricks on you. Don’t fall for it. Get counselling if you have to. At the very least, there is a lesson here. You can’t change the past but maybe you can consider how you will change in the future.

Anonymous567 · 46-50, F

@DoubleRingsThank you sooo much for taking the time to read all that. my parents have always wanted me to build a relationship with him. They knew i was busy and had a family of my own. But i chose not to spend a single day with my brother.A SINGLE DAY to get to know him. My grief keeps getting worse because i keep remembering what i did. I had time and money to take all my kids to Disneyland across the country but I couldn't pick up the phone and talk with for at least 5 minutes just because i despise my parents.

DoubleRings · 51-55, F

@Anonymous567 It’s unfortunate for your brother but if you feel how you did about your parents then that’s prob the reason you avoided your brother. It’s OK to make choices that meet our needs. You needed to not be with your parents and thus your brother. I bet you felt that talking to your brother might lead to your parents somehow someway. And that’s prob the reason you didn’t even talk to him. I get it. It’s OK. I bet if your bro had a context of your relatnsp with your parents, and if he were of mature mind, he wouldn’t hold it against you either.

You know some parents beleive that having a child mends problems. We’re your parents like this? Did they have White Picket Fence Syndrome believing that even though you had a strained relatnsp, you would magically come in and overlook the pain and hurt just to be with the one sibling that they decided to have? Did they think this would absolve them of any wrongs committed to you? Is that what they were hoping? Idk. Maybe you don’t know either. But it’s food for thought.

The child was theirs not yours. I know it sounds insensitive but your are entitled to boundaries given the fact that you’re decades older, have your own family, are not local, and have a crappy relatnsp with your parents! If anyone holds that against you or can’t understand it, then there’s something wrong.

Forgive yourself.

Anonymous567 · 46-50, F

@DoubleRings my parents never planned to have my brother. It was a miracle that my mom was able to get pregnant. It was a very rare moment and my parents decided that they would keep it. Many people in my family were against it because the risk it would come with. I was mad and upset that they would keep the baby because of their age.

DoubleRings · 51-55, F

@Anonymous567 It really doesn’t matter if he was planned or not. When you decide to do the horizontal mambo with someone there’s always a possible outcome of pregnancy. It’s still no ones responsibility except their own. And maybe they still kind of hoped the family could mend as a result so they themselves wouldn’t have to feel guilty for your (or any other siblings’) absences. You all grew up in a cohort with each other so to speak lol. The last son was far removed from the others. They prob had a hard time owning that.