I’ve often been told I have a none-traditional way of parenting
I have gotten a lot of criticism from people who simply do not know me nor my family whenever I bring out my parenting style. And it would be an understatement to say that I do not care.
Whether or not one wants to admit it, it is a fact that kids are individual people, so I treat them as such. I treat them like I would treat any logical adult, and it has worked since day one. For starters, I don’t believe in rules, rather, I believe in boundaries. If they don’t agree with an expectation I set in place, we can talk about it, we can discuss it, they are allowed to disagree, even debate me about. Often times I don’t change my mind, but regardless, it is important for them to know that they are heard.
I do not yell back if they have explosive reactions, or even back talk. First of all, back talk doesn’t exist in my house, as I said, we are fully capable of having mature conversations with each other. In addition, kids are new at being people, they are still learning emotional regulation and control. It is okay if they don’t understand how to react appropriately sometimes, that’s what we are here for, and I have always made it my mission to treat them as I would like to be treated. I do not like being yelled at, so why would I yell at someone? Why would I fight fire with fire, if what I want is to deescalate the situation? The same way I won’t hit my kids to teach them hitting is bad, I will not yell at them to get them to stop yelling. All that does is create a cycle of hypocrisy and misunderstanding.
I have taught consent since the moment they understood the concept. Many dislike me for this, but I do not expect my kids to give a stranger a kiss on the cheek after introduction, I don’t expect them to give them a handshake if they aren’t comfortable. I am constant with this, I don’t want my kids to ever think bodily autonomy is conditional, so these boundaries apply to me and the rest of my family as well. I don’t even expect them to give ME a kiss or a hug if they don’t want to, they can always say no; and I will never be offended. When I was a kid I was expected to hug and kiss everyone at family functions, and despised it. We’ve all heard the “if you don’t hug this uncle he’s going to be sad,” and quite frankly, I didn’t care then, I don’t care now, and I carry that exact same energy in my parenting styles. I’ve had family members get visibly angry at me for not making my kids hug them, and my response has always been “my kids aren’t responsible for how you feel, that is for you to regulate.” Now, that doesn’t mean they can be disrespectful, of course not, that just means they can choose an alternative way to say hello. A high five, a wave, a fist bump, or a simple hello will work just fine. If people don’t like it, well too bad so sad.
When it comes to boundaries, like I mentioned, they are always up for discussion. If my eldest wants to go out with friends and I say “be here by 8” but they think they could handle being out until 9, we can talk about. The first question I ask is “okay, what responsibilities are you willing to assume if I let you stay out until nine?” Well, “I’ll update you every hour, and I’ll answer if call” Okay that’s fine, I trust that, and I expect them to go through with the expectations they set for themselves. Now, if by any chance they don’t go through with it (which happens very very rarely) then we will definitely discuss it, and maybe they’ll be consequences such as a lowered curfew, etc. Point is, I trust them to set expectations for themselves, rules that they know they must follow, because they are more likely to follow through with them if they willingly assume responsibility for them.
When I was growing up it was a constant power struggle between my mother and I. As a mother, I acknowledge that I do not need power over my kids, and neither do I seek it. I don’t wish to have them under the weight of my thumb, it has never been, and will never be “my way or the highway.” If I want them to respect me, I must respect them first. At the end of the day, they didn’t choose this life, I chose it for them. My kids owe me nothing, rather, it is I who owes them everything
Whether or not one wants to admit it, it is a fact that kids are individual people, so I treat them as such. I treat them like I would treat any logical adult, and it has worked since day one. For starters, I don’t believe in rules, rather, I believe in boundaries. If they don’t agree with an expectation I set in place, we can talk about it, we can discuss it, they are allowed to disagree, even debate me about. Often times I don’t change my mind, but regardless, it is important for them to know that they are heard.
I do not yell back if they have explosive reactions, or even back talk. First of all, back talk doesn’t exist in my house, as I said, we are fully capable of having mature conversations with each other. In addition, kids are new at being people, they are still learning emotional regulation and control. It is okay if they don’t understand how to react appropriately sometimes, that’s what we are here for, and I have always made it my mission to treat them as I would like to be treated. I do not like being yelled at, so why would I yell at someone? Why would I fight fire with fire, if what I want is to deescalate the situation? The same way I won’t hit my kids to teach them hitting is bad, I will not yell at them to get them to stop yelling. All that does is create a cycle of hypocrisy and misunderstanding.
I have taught consent since the moment they understood the concept. Many dislike me for this, but I do not expect my kids to give a stranger a kiss on the cheek after introduction, I don’t expect them to give them a handshake if they aren’t comfortable. I am constant with this, I don’t want my kids to ever think bodily autonomy is conditional, so these boundaries apply to me and the rest of my family as well. I don’t even expect them to give ME a kiss or a hug if they don’t want to, they can always say no; and I will never be offended. When I was a kid I was expected to hug and kiss everyone at family functions, and despised it. We’ve all heard the “if you don’t hug this uncle he’s going to be sad,” and quite frankly, I didn’t care then, I don’t care now, and I carry that exact same energy in my parenting styles. I’ve had family members get visibly angry at me for not making my kids hug them, and my response has always been “my kids aren’t responsible for how you feel, that is for you to regulate.” Now, that doesn’t mean they can be disrespectful, of course not, that just means they can choose an alternative way to say hello. A high five, a wave, a fist bump, or a simple hello will work just fine. If people don’t like it, well too bad so sad.
When it comes to boundaries, like I mentioned, they are always up for discussion. If my eldest wants to go out with friends and I say “be here by 8” but they think they could handle being out until 9, we can talk about. The first question I ask is “okay, what responsibilities are you willing to assume if I let you stay out until nine?” Well, “I’ll update you every hour, and I’ll answer if call” Okay that’s fine, I trust that, and I expect them to go through with the expectations they set for themselves. Now, if by any chance they don’t go through with it (which happens very very rarely) then we will definitely discuss it, and maybe they’ll be consequences such as a lowered curfew, etc. Point is, I trust them to set expectations for themselves, rules that they know they must follow, because they are more likely to follow through with them if they willingly assume responsibility for them.
When I was growing up it was a constant power struggle between my mother and I. As a mother, I acknowledge that I do not need power over my kids, and neither do I seek it. I don’t wish to have them under the weight of my thumb, it has never been, and will never be “my way or the highway.” If I want them to respect me, I must respect them first. At the end of the day, they didn’t choose this life, I chose it for them. My kids owe me nothing, rather, it is I who owes them everything
31-35, F
