I Have Always Had Vivid Dreams With Repetitive Dreams

I keep having dreams about God and im scared I'll never be forgiven for what I did at that house....im very scared because I know someone out there defined her....but...what gets me is I wanted it to be me because I was jealous...that's always my problem is jealousy....it wasn't that way from the start. I keep having dreams of white.....I woke slightly to him asking if I wanted pizza...that's the funny thing is when awake....he hates me but while in asleep ....I feel like a better person........I miss the feeling of caring and love....I miss me.