I Came From a Abusive Childhood

I believe I did. It's something I struggle with even today. I struggle with relationships and guilt and anger... I have been trying to move towards forgiveness as I am currently on a spiritual quest but I don't understand forgiveness.

My mother actually apologized recently. Intellectually, I probably forgive her but emotionally, not a chance. I blame her for all of my woes; my failures, my shortcomings, my mental health issues like depression, low self-esteem, anxiety- life is hard enough without having to battle that shit!

My healing is solely on me and I believe unless I forgive her, I will be stuck BUT I want my life back! I want the life she stole from me. I was confident, brave, a leader, and through years of being torn down and beat down and denied love... and so here I stand- tired of running from it, I can't out run the pain, can't continue to ignore it, distract myself from it with TV and food but as I age, I'm tired haha

This isn't the life I want or the one I envisioned. I deserve better! The true me is available to me, on the other side of forgiveness. There's only one problem... I have no idea how to get there! I'm screwed.