Childhood trauma made me afraid of sex for many years

I’m still affected by it though I have had sexual partners it’s still extremely difficult to start a relationship because of my fears.
It’s also been a factor in my personal sexual orientation and my sexual desires and kinks..

As I said, starting a relationship is very difficult but once I’m in a sexually active relationship my kinks come out and I’m up for anything and everything she’ll allow and except..

Right now I’m not in a relationship but I want one.
My trepidation about sex goes right back to the beginning, it’s like I’m a terrified virgin all over again.
It really sucks being this way