I often think about people who gave me grief in the past and I think of the different contexts
Granted, yeah sometimes they were out of line...
But other times, I wonder if they meant well but they just went about things in an unhelpful way.
And then I look at my own mistakes I've made with others.
Eg:
I have a close friend/relative who has a hoarding problem and struggles on and off with a drinking problem.
I used to shame them a lot for drinking, giving them the cold shoulder etc.
and with the hoarding, subtly sneak things out and throw them away in the attempt to help them declutter.
But I did those things because I didn't know any better. And it wasn't til years later that I realised that those are some of the worst things you can do.
eg, one reason hoarders hoard because it gives them a sense of control.
So if they notice things missing or sense you trying to get rid of their stuff, the hoarding urge gets worse.
And with the drinking, they drink to cope, so if they feel like they let you down by drinking and feel guilty and are prompted to drink more...
but when I finally learned this, I changed my approach.
Became approachable, didn't get defensive when she got defensive, and gently talked to her when she was sober, let her core issues surface and eventually she became confident to talk about things that were bothering her, and realised she didn't need to be defensive because I wasn't attacking her.
And bruh, she has made strides.
I am so proud of her.
But with this being said, I still initially did the wrong thing when I was trying to help her and I feel bad about that.
I just wonder how many other people out there sincerely try to help others but just do so in an unhelpful way even though good intentions are there.
But other times, I wonder if they meant well but they just went about things in an unhelpful way.
And then I look at my own mistakes I've made with others.
Eg:
I have a close friend/relative who has a hoarding problem and struggles on and off with a drinking problem.
I used to shame them a lot for drinking, giving them the cold shoulder etc.
and with the hoarding, subtly sneak things out and throw them away in the attempt to help them declutter.
But I did those things because I didn't know any better. And it wasn't til years later that I realised that those are some of the worst things you can do.
eg, one reason hoarders hoard because it gives them a sense of control.
So if they notice things missing or sense you trying to get rid of their stuff, the hoarding urge gets worse.
And with the drinking, they drink to cope, so if they feel like they let you down by drinking and feel guilty and are prompted to drink more...
but when I finally learned this, I changed my approach.
Became approachable, didn't get defensive when she got defensive, and gently talked to her when she was sober, let her core issues surface and eventually she became confident to talk about things that were bothering her, and realised she didn't need to be defensive because I wasn't attacking her.
And bruh, she has made strides.
I am so proud of her.
But with this being said, I still initially did the wrong thing when I was trying to help her and I feel bad about that.
I just wonder how many other people out there sincerely try to help others but just do so in an unhelpful way even though good intentions are there.
