Sometimes I feel guilty

Because my sister is working and busting her ass to make less than $2000 per month personal training and working a below minimum wage cafe job. She tried for assistance like unemployment but she was denied because she had to be jobless for at least a year. I feel bad because I collect disability benefits for my mental health conditions and don’t work at all. I think she sometimes feels it is unfair that she has to work but I don’t. She can’t collect disability because the government would find her too high functioning for example she works, drives, and can take care of her needs. So despite being raped and suffering from ptsd and having a form of depression and recovering from anorexia years ago, that’s not enough? I need to finish my online courses to see if they can help me get a remote, flexible career job. My parents took three- four years to get me approved for disability benefits or around there. I cannot go to an onsite job as I have no reliable transportation so even to pet sit and dog walk again is out of the question. I need flexibility, autonomy, independence, and freedom in where and when I work and how I work too. It needs to be a gig where I don’t have to clock in and out and as long as I get the work done by the due date and follow directions of how to get the project done ( for example following client preferences) and turn in a superb product. But also there needs to be help available if I have questions ( I don’t want to be thrown into the deep end to sink or swim either). This is why I would rather freelance self employed or be an employee for an agency than completely go out on my own. Also doing my own administration would annoy me. I’m not good at finding my own clients and I’m not very enterprising. I need that balance of consistent work and help being available but the freedom to choose my schedule and location. I also need intellectual stimulation in my work. Variety and Creativity would be ideal too. Some kinds of work I could train for include proofreading and editing, translation and transcription, subtitling, writing and blogging, digital marketing, visual design and web development, scoping ( editing legal documents and transcripts for court reporters, not very creative but does provide intellectual stimulation), court reporting/CART providing/broadcast captioning is too fast in words per minute and needing high accuracy rates, illustration, animation and many more options. Multimedia and digital arts design and development would be a great job if I was more tech savvy. I want to work from anywhere on a computer but I have yet to learn to be tech savvy. I primarily want to work with languages and words/writing. Working with documents and transcripts would be a good fit. Getting paid per project, per word, per page, per audio minute or hour, per image or graphic, etc. would be good. Getting paid by the hour as long as the hours are flexible wouldn’t be bad either. I have a lot to learn. To be honest I would even start off with boring data entry jobs to get my foot in the door. If I finish my skillcrush.com and knowadays.com courses, I would be certified in proofreading and editing and possibly have work with proofed inc. after the final assignments and the trial period. With skillcrush.com visual design, user experience design, and web development portfolio basic projects would teach me some skills to work in technology. The thing is though I don’t know if I could handle working full time. I could handle part time but I cannot get health/vision/dental insurance on part time hours from a lot of companies. I also feel disability is a trap to keep you poor to stay eligible. Even my sister came to that conclusion. She said that’s twisted. You can’t have more than $ 2,000 dollars in assets in the bank. I mean SSI is not enough to live on. I only get about $700 to $740 Monthly and some of it goes to my upkeep and maintenance to help my family with expenses. My dad saves some each month to put in my bank account so I can have spending money. As far as work goes I have no patience for putting up with people and their demands. On top of mental health struggles I am an introvert so I like to work by myself ( minus asking for help if I need it). I will never work in retail, sales, customer service. Food or hospitality industry ever again. I hate being called in last minute to work so I don’t like to be on call. I have no patience for difficult or demanding people with an attitude problem. Also a 9-5 is not an option for me because of my circadian rhythm and sleep wake cycle energy patterns. I get energy. And feel most productive., creative, and alert in the afternoons, evenings, and overnights into the early hours of the morning. I feel like going to bed when the first light appears so that’s at like 5 am or the sun comes up 6am and waking up in the early afternoon. I am not a morning person at all and eventually will make the transition to getting up in the late morning like 11-11:30 am. My body is ready to wake up around 12-1 pm. Even when I tried going to bed much earlier and waking up much earlier I still didn’t feel any energy or alertness until early afternoon. Otherwise I would have taken an office job all these years instead of working retail, home health care, janitorial work, trying to sell fashion items on poshmark, cleaning houses, and a bunch of other gigs I either hated or was not good at. The only gig I liked was pet sitting and dog walking. But I only got the occasional client. I have not worked very much and only stayed with few part time hours several months at most at a job. That’s why I didn’t qualify for SSDI which is a couple hundred more instead of SSI. A few years ago I would have never thought I would be on disability benefits. I even went through the vocational rehabilitation a couple of years ago. Well I took some vocational assessments through a vendor called people incorporated. They do not really specialize in placing people with remote flexible jobs or with really good jobs in my opinion. So I had to wait for my results on my report to be discussed between my vocational counselor when he was available. I waited many months at least. By the time he got back to me I was so pissed off I didn’t even answer his voicemails. Yeah so vocational rehabilitation has not really been helpful. I could have just taken the funding and gone back to school would have been a better outcome. Many years ago I had a different counselor and worked with a career specialist who couldn’t find me a matching job to my specifications though he tried looking at a remote company for web design and digital marketing agency locally which looked promising. When my former counselor met with career specialist and he couldn’t find me a job, she suggested I apply for disability. I felt indignant and offended so I didn’t contact the vocational rehabilitation agency for a couple of years. I think they closed my case and I had to reapply again.