An Omnivert (me) experiencing being psychotic?!
So…uh…yeah you heard me right, I have been psychotic somewhat. But to put it through, I still have a LONG journey ahead of me (if your not comfortable with violent word usage I’m using, I assure that you need to read something else, if not then be prepared). This mainly revolves around bullying and harassment across others (and myself), but I’ll explain since I don’t want to get all juggled up.
So during my time in intermediate in NZ (yes this was long ago) I would mostly be a quiet guy who just is basically a bit of an oddball sometimes, most of the times I would be a bit too energised at the moment of a discussion that’s made between people since the main focus was getting dragged into gossip with tons of girls (that’s how I gained femininity in me partially with traits and all those galore and stuff) but most of the times when I was a bit younger, I’d mostly be dramatic about situations (likes fights for example since I can’t deal with controlling my temper because I didn’t understand myself fully) but when it came to THIS MOMENT!! I was walking on thin ice…
Now what was this moment? This moment was a scenery of a gloomy day, rain puddles deeper than you think on a unique concrete pathway from the basketball court which blocks with a metal fence, so going into detail, this wasn’t a situation I made! But somehow…the blame was on me, let me explain.
So there’s some people having a ball of there time dancing around in rain puddles, I was very tired that day because I felt worn out and carried so many sacrifices from favours friends offered me to do, which I didn’t mind since I am a self-sacrificer (someone who always has a big heart and does everything they can to succeed a favour asked or heard to offer without the person even saying they would do it for them), but I was at my break point, but I wanted to let out all of the energy and joined in with the other people and I was having so much fun…which didn’t last for long.
Now everyone was making huge splashes, and I did the same, which didn’t go so well for me…an entire group of guys were walking straight this way while I was busy having fun, everyone else left and I was all by myself.
Guy 1: “Woah, G’ what are you doing, you almost got me wet!”
Me: “Oh, uh…I’m…I’m sorry…”
I was kind of bummed and confused at the same time on how dramatic this guy was? It’s just water you can clean it after school, my socks and shoes and my pants were dirty, I didn’t care about them anyways since I felt like I needed relief from everything I held onto. But these guys didn’t let me have that kind of moment…they approached me, and got real close in my personal space. I did not like it, I was super uncomfortable, and I was scared.
Another random dude: “Hey is there a fight going on? I’d like some entertainment once in a while!”
Me: “N-no I don’t want to use violence on these nice guys! I don’t get it-“
After when I was about to helplessly get out, one of the guys DRENCHED me in water covering my entire uniform with cold and icky mud…ugh…I hate to describe it to you…
I stayed silent for some time, and my mind was boggling with so many thoughts…(suicidal tendencies & violence warning, this will be justified with more good words rather than just ugly things, I’ll try my best)
Do I get out a rope and tie it around their neck? Do I pushed them on a fence and choke them? do I slap them across the face and kick them away? DO I POKE THERE EYES AND PUNCH THEIR THROAT? DO I PUMMEL THEM DOWN TO THE GROUND AND SHOW THEM WHOS BOSS? DO I GRAB SOMETHING SHARP AND BITE-…no…that’s not me of course, I can’t…I can’t…it’s really weird of me just thinking about my actions, what would everyone think of me? Maybe I can blindfold them and keep beating them till they- NO!
That was what my mind went through, in reality…I was just trying to keep how, mentally unstable I was at the moment (it was not pretty), but someone pushed me when I was going through a mental anxiety attack…which…led to…violence…
BANG! POW! BOOM! KICK! No it’s not that deep into action it was brutal, but…I could remember what I said to myself when someone pushed me off of the victim I just massacred.
“I WANT TO **** MYSELF!” (Repeated FOUR WHOLE TIMES, I’m literally sobbing just remembering me saying that after so long)
I felt worthless that time…I couldn’t do anything…It was just me and the devil that led me through this…
After that whole thing ended…a lot of the people who were older than me would make fun of the words I said, even people that thought it was funny just to put it in social media and justify what happened between that whole commotion made across me and this other gang, and I got sensitive on how I acted when people mentioned it. All of that put a bad label on me…which…everyone soon forgot about that (except the stupid teachers that taught me), and I went to a school consoler for 2 months straight which was torture for me but helped me a little bit.
To sum it up with everything I explained (probably?), I actually had a burnout all the way which ended when I started high school, which lost some of my personality into being dull and depressed. The burnout I had was something I have never experienced in my entire life, but I’m keeping that to myself. For the people that HAS been this way before, I have sympathy for you even if you’ve just lost it and couldn’t get back to your normal state.
Anyways, thanks for reading! If you’ve made it this far, you should rest your mind if you’ve been through a lot of difficult things on your day lately! And, yeah! Apologies for the context that I have shared or described.
Compliment of the day! (And post)
Your gift never fails my astonishment<3
(P.S I don’t think my this will even accept the sentences I wrote with some violence😬)
So during my time in intermediate in NZ (yes this was long ago) I would mostly be a quiet guy who just is basically a bit of an oddball sometimes, most of the times I would be a bit too energised at the moment of a discussion that’s made between people since the main focus was getting dragged into gossip with tons of girls (that’s how I gained femininity in me partially with traits and all those galore and stuff) but most of the times when I was a bit younger, I’d mostly be dramatic about situations (likes fights for example since I can’t deal with controlling my temper because I didn’t understand myself fully) but when it came to THIS MOMENT!! I was walking on thin ice…
Now what was this moment? This moment was a scenery of a gloomy day, rain puddles deeper than you think on a unique concrete pathway from the basketball court which blocks with a metal fence, so going into detail, this wasn’t a situation I made! But somehow…the blame was on me, let me explain.
So there’s some people having a ball of there time dancing around in rain puddles, I was very tired that day because I felt worn out and carried so many sacrifices from favours friends offered me to do, which I didn’t mind since I am a self-sacrificer (someone who always has a big heart and does everything they can to succeed a favour asked or heard to offer without the person even saying they would do it for them), but I was at my break point, but I wanted to let out all of the energy and joined in with the other people and I was having so much fun…which didn’t last for long.
Now everyone was making huge splashes, and I did the same, which didn’t go so well for me…an entire group of guys were walking straight this way while I was busy having fun, everyone else left and I was all by myself.
Guy 1: “Woah, G’ what are you doing, you almost got me wet!”
Me: “Oh, uh…I’m…I’m sorry…”
I was kind of bummed and confused at the same time on how dramatic this guy was? It’s just water you can clean it after school, my socks and shoes and my pants were dirty, I didn’t care about them anyways since I felt like I needed relief from everything I held onto. But these guys didn’t let me have that kind of moment…they approached me, and got real close in my personal space. I did not like it, I was super uncomfortable, and I was scared.
Another random dude: “Hey is there a fight going on? I’d like some entertainment once in a while!”
Me: “N-no I don’t want to use violence on these nice guys! I don’t get it-“
After when I was about to helplessly get out, one of the guys DRENCHED me in water covering my entire uniform with cold and icky mud…ugh…I hate to describe it to you…
I stayed silent for some time, and my mind was boggling with so many thoughts…(suicidal tendencies & violence warning, this will be justified with more good words rather than just ugly things, I’ll try my best)
Do I get out a rope and tie it around their neck? Do I pushed them on a fence and choke them? do I slap them across the face and kick them away? DO I POKE THERE EYES AND PUNCH THEIR THROAT? DO I PUMMEL THEM DOWN TO THE GROUND AND SHOW THEM WHOS BOSS? DO I GRAB SOMETHING SHARP AND BITE-…no…that’s not me of course, I can’t…I can’t…it’s really weird of me just thinking about my actions, what would everyone think of me? Maybe I can blindfold them and keep beating them till they- NO!
That was what my mind went through, in reality…I was just trying to keep how, mentally unstable I was at the moment (it was not pretty), but someone pushed me when I was going through a mental anxiety attack…which…led to…violence…
BANG! POW! BOOM! KICK! No it’s not that deep into action it was brutal, but…I could remember what I said to myself when someone pushed me off of the victim I just massacred.
“I WANT TO **** MYSELF!” (Repeated FOUR WHOLE TIMES, I’m literally sobbing just remembering me saying that after so long)
I felt worthless that time…I couldn’t do anything…It was just me and the devil that led me through this…
After that whole thing ended…a lot of the people who were older than me would make fun of the words I said, even people that thought it was funny just to put it in social media and justify what happened between that whole commotion made across me and this other gang, and I got sensitive on how I acted when people mentioned it. All of that put a bad label on me…which…everyone soon forgot about that (except the stupid teachers that taught me), and I went to a school consoler for 2 months straight which was torture for me but helped me a little bit.
To sum it up with everything I explained (probably?), I actually had a burnout all the way which ended when I started high school, which lost some of my personality into being dull and depressed. The burnout I had was something I have never experienced in my entire life, but I’m keeping that to myself. For the people that HAS been this way before, I have sympathy for you even if you’ve just lost it and couldn’t get back to your normal state.
Anyways, thanks for reading! If you’ve made it this far, you should rest your mind if you’ve been through a lot of difficult things on your day lately! And, yeah! Apologies for the context that I have shared or described.
Compliment of the day! (And post)
Your gift never fails my astonishment<3
(P.S I don’t think my this will even accept the sentences I wrote with some violence😬)
16-17