Sometimes I wish I was dead

There would be no more struggles with mental health and I wouldn’t be a burden to my family anymore. I wouldn’t have to feel how disappointed I am in myself for allowing my life to go downhill and not meeting adult milestones by the time I was 30. I wouldn’t look back anymore and regret my life. I failed to even finish my online courses that I have lifetime access to that would help me acquire skills to have a career. I could stop being frustrated by creative block for my hobbies sometimes and wanting a creative intellectual career. I could stop worrying about my future, hating my present, and regretting the past. I know I have family and friends who would miss me but I have achieved nothing in this lifetime . I wouldn’t always be asking myself what is my purpose in being born into this life? I wouldn’t constantly feel like home was somewhere else. There are days I wish I never woke up and just went to sleep peacefully and painlessly and that it would be permanent. I will not commit suicide because I tried it once and it didn’t work when I was 16 years old . But I’m disappointed and angry at myself for needing anti psychotics and anti depressants anti anxiety and sleeping pills and being on supplemental security income. I feel ashamed of being on welfare but could use the money to help out. I also curse that I didn’t harness my strengths as an infp or infj in regards to education and employment and in my personal life. I would not have to feel still so devastated over the loss of my ex boyfriend and former friend. I wouldn’t have to watch my dreams. For myself die and. Possibly have a very limited life. My spirit would be living on I suppose but my body. Would die. I don’t know if this feeling of loss and emptiness would ever truly go away. I wouldn’t have to feel upset that my parents are my guardians at 33. I just feel so angry at myself for not living up to my expectations for my life and being less than mediocre. I am no where close to having all my dreams come true in regards to travel, career, education, hobbies/interests/talents/passions/skillsets/aptitudes, volunteering, living on my own, and traveling and living in different places. I don’t have my ideal family ( parents who don’t. Criticize and insult. My clothing choices and are rude and obnoxious about certain things though loving mostly in other ways . Parents who prohibit me from driving because they think I’ll get into. An accident therefore making me dependent on them for my rides. They will renew my license for id purposes, and maybe when I’m in a better head space they will let me drive locally again. My grandfather make jokes about my clothing saying his ticket said Massachusetts but he was sent to Alaska instead ( oh yeah very funny). I know my family does love me and wants to see me as independent as possible before they pass on in several decades. I wish I had been a functional, thriving adult since the.beginning who didn’t need any help but that’s not the way things turned out. The last place I want to end up is in a group home or some other institutionalized setting for adults with mental illness and disabilities because I am not able to take care of myself. My parents are having me work with the department of mental health so I can be taught life skills like how to budget finances and for example cooking for myself. And that I’ll have a case manager, therapist, psychiatrist, and other support staff to help me as I navigate life on my own. They can also help me apply for subsidized housing or low income housing where I pay a portion of the rent and the government pays for the rest. My parents also want to get me on as many government services as possible so I don’t go without.my basic needs being met. They also want to put the rest of my inheritance split 50/50 between me and my sister in a disability trust for me so the government can not touch that money. I don’t think they have much faith that I can work very much because my past history with work and me not finishing my online courses which would lead to skills that would get me work and higher education don’t leave a positive track record. I am completely dependent on my parents and the government for any money I receive. I just wish they allowed euthanasia of willing mentally ill patients to put an end to their lives painlessly and quickly like some places do with physically terminally ill individuals who will not get any better. I wish I didn’t feel like this but sometimes I do. I’m just a melancholy person. I’m sick of feeling like there is something wrong with me just for being myself. I wish I never developed schizophrenia, depression, ptsd, and anxiety. If I never developed schizophrenia. I could say I’m not crazy. If I developed financial freedom and independence whether working in a flexible, remote high paying career or independent wealth by investments or passive income like affiliate marketing, my parents would have no reason to worry about me. If I finished what I started in online vocational courses from years ago, sewing classes to became a fashion designer/dressmaker/tailor, and my higher education getting a bachelors and masters. Degrees I would be highly employable in a career I would be good at making a comfortable income and if I could be employed full time I could get benefits like medical insurance coverage, tuition reimbursement ( to help pay for furthering my education), and have a stable income. I only want to go freelance self employed or independent contractor because it gives me control over my schedule when I have to work, what I work on, and how I work. If I could be an employee with a flexible schedule and remote work on a part time basis and still get benefits package I would rather do that. There is nothing wrong with being an employee especially if you want protections like sick leave and family medical leave acts.. if I make too much money I will have to get off government insurance and find my own self employed insurance coverage where I will have to pay out of pocket. I guess a happy medium for independent work is working with agencies that already have the work available and you just pick and choose what you work on instead of finding your own clients. Truthfully I wouldn’t want to run my own business because I would have to worry about invoices and administration work whereas freelancing for a company with work available lets you simply focus on your role whether you are there to be a writer, editor, translator, transcriptionist or whichever other profession you choose. Also I wanted to work on a computer but I am not very technologically savvy although I could learn to be if I don’t give up easily and have determination and perseverance and patience. I give up on things easily and feel like a waste of space for living. There are fleeting moments of happiness where I am working on my hobbies or passion projects and I’m distracted. But sometimes I get creative block for weeks on end and it drives me crazy. My parents said my life is no life for anyone and that I know it can be improved. My parents think I should work only what the social security administration allows for staying on disability benefits and not make more money than the cutoff. But if stay on SSI I will always be poor. And I’m sick of my family having a say in my medical decisions because they are my guardians. I let them take guardianship because I knew right now I couldn’t take care of myself. I worry that living a few decades longer I wonder if I will ever be fully able to take care of myself and do it well. I can’t expect my sister to take care of me when I’m older as that would not be fair to her. I’m scared I will live a very limited parochial life. I even don’t know how to pack up into one suitcase and carryon for a three day stay over at someone’s house locally. I always overpack. I just feel I am going to be missing out on so much in life and I have missed out on a lot due to not being a functional thriving adult. I don’t think I will ever have a significant other or spouse and will be single for the rest of my life. But also part of me thinks that wouldn’t be so bad because my heart belongs to someone who I can’t have anymore but never got over and that wouldn’t be fair to whoever I was with next. I feel like a failure at life and truthfully sometimes like a mooch and a parasite. But I don’t know if I truly have the motivation to change and keep it up for many decades. But at the same time I feel so guilty. For breaking my ex boyfriends heart and making my family have to financially and psychologically. Support me way past the time in life that they should have too. And most people if they met me would be very confused as to what my disabilities are because they are invisible and I have to explain. I am not intellectually disabled nor do I have a physical handicap. Like blindness or multiple sclerosis. I need to find the discipline to keep up the changes. In my life and live as independently as possible. It will take a lot of practice to take care of myself. And run a household. I have grown so used to my parents running the household and taking care of me; it’s going to be a major. Adjustment to do things for myself. But I still wish. Sometimes I could just die and wish when I was 16 that it had worked. No more bringing others down. With my struggles. No more struggling and worrying about my future being secure. No more feeling guilty and angry at my family for their rude comments and criticism but Also feeling guilty they are supporting me monetarily and psychologically. My mom even dispenses my medications. For me, I have to live in a world that I don’t even recognize myself. I put down on so much weight and I fell from grace long ago. Any difference of mine in how I. Dress, think, act, or believe. My parents attribute a lot of it to mental illness instead of just it being part of my authentic self. My mom says I live in a fantasy. Or delusional world with many of my dreams and my thinking is not well thought out. It’s just part of being an infp or infj and having sensors for parents they literally do not understand. How I view the world. And interact with it. My preferences and motivations, etc. I often felt misunderstood, invalidated, and rejected. By my family and the broader society in which I lived. By personally attacking my how I dress, how I think, how I act, and what I believe. They are attacking me personally. I hate being attempted to be coerced into “ fitting in” especially. With how I dress. It makes me very angry I feel that my family should accept. Me unconditionally and stop nitpicking at me and trying to change me. Even my grandparents think something is wrong with the way I dress. There is plenty that needs to change the way I dress is not one of them. My parents don’t trust my judgement on people sometimes. And don’t want me taking rides or going over peoples houses that I don’t know well when my gut says it is perfectly safe person. I feel so restricted. And like I cannot be myself with my own family. That’s why so long ago I didn’t want to spend time with them and said to my then boyfriend that my family was like a bunch of feces to me because they contributed by not accepting me the way I was to me feeling like shit. They accepted my mental illnesses yes, but. There are other parts of me they have not accepted yet. My family used to have such high hopes for me that I would live on my own, get a full time career preferably as an employee , finish my higher education, maybe get married one day. Travel some, etc., I feel like a major disappointment. In myself and to my family. I feel so hopeless that I got institutionalized twice and still feel mortified to this day I called the cops on my neighbors thinking they were in trouble. I ended up being the crazy menace of a neighbor. I was lucky they didn’t press charges or that the police.did not arrest me for falsifying police reports and gave me the option to get some help. It led to me being locked up for two. Weeks in a psychiatric hospital with me crying almost every day..I hated being caged like a rabid animal and not allowed to do almost anything I wanted. If I never spiraled out of control into psychosis I wouldn’t have had to have a therapist again and changed just being on anti anxiety, anti depressants and sleeping pills to adding anti psychotics. I should never have gotten in trouble with the law and imagined things. I hate being with a new psychiatrist and therapist and having to rehash everything over. I hate that my parents actually complained about my clothes to. The psychiatrist and the therapist at the department of mental health. And I said enough was enough, I dress the way I want to keep comfortable and warm and it is my body I can wear what I want as long as I am not showing intimate regions of my body. My parents care so much what others. Think when it comes to my clothing. They worry and constantly tell me I’m being stared at and jeez way to make me paranoid. I don’t care the way other people are dressed much lighter than I am it’s not my fucking problem, my parents care way too much what other people think about me and I get aggravated.if someone makes a comment about how warmly I’m dressed and how I much be hot with all that clothing. Several times I told people off for their rudeness and said if I was hot why would I be bundled up and in warm attire? I also told them to mind their own business and stop being ignorant provincial hicks. I’m sick of everything. I’m sick of psychiatrists and therapists but I know if I don’t take my medication I could. Go off the deep end again. I just wish my life had been ideal without mental health illnesses and being misunderstood and invalidated. By my family and society. I wish I had made a great contribution as a creative writer/author and historical scholar. I am scared I will never learn the number of languages I want, that I will not pick up advanced levels/techniques of arts and crafts fashion beauty and not be a creative writer. That I will never improve my musical ability with vocals and learning to play at least one instrument. That I will be at the same skill levels I am now in science and herbalism. So many things I probably will never acquire fluency in and to me that’s no life at all. I just wish I could have died young and not wasted away my life. Just painlessly and peacefully in my sleep in my mid teens. Instead of wasting away my late teens, my 20s, and early 30s. Letting time slip away from me and before I know it I will be an old woman who lost so much of her life. I feel I will always have to have someone watch after me in some form and that’s not the way I wanted to live. I will be watching after myself with a case manager and peer support specialists among others. I just don’t gravitate. To the mundane everyday stuff. And things will slip my mind if I don’t write them down to remember. I never wanted to be mentally ill and I wished I never had issues with motivation and discipline.. I can’t even get through online courses that should be easy enough to get through because it’s explained. So thoroughly so I can get some paid remote flexible work with proofreading and editing ( that were purchased years ago) then after those courses I can take writing courses and do visual design and web development ( which were also purchased years ago) it’ is at times like this where I do wonder if I have a learning.disability after all. I wanted to add writing, blogging, translation, transcription and more certificates of completion and diplomas to my online courses to complete in addition to proofreading and editing. Visual design web development. ( digital marketing, illustration, animation subtitling., scoping ( editing legal transcripts) court reporting, CART providing, broadcast captioning) etc. I wanted to add at least a few of the above skills to my career arsenal so that way I would never have to worry about getting out of work and on top of those certificates and diplomas, I wanted to add my degrees in English ( creative writing and journalism) and history ( public and world history)but based on how expensive.school is I can only have one bachelors and one masters degree instead of two bachelors and masters degrees in some of my fields of passion. I would add language certificates in foreign/modern/ancient/classical languages. To be as close to a philologist as possible. I wish I could have an employer that would pay for my education or have scholarships covering the cost of tuition at least partially. I wasted my life because I could have been brilliant and if I pushed myself maybe even a borderline. Genius. I wish I was a genius and could have been someone incredible. Instead of a mentally ill college drop out who didn’t achieve her adult milestones in a timely fashion. I wasted so much potential. That I could have had had I just. Been ambitious enough to go after my goals and dreams in the first place and truly work through the obstacles that came in my path. I also feel very cognitively impaired after my nueropsychological. Evaluation. I bombed some portions of it and I felt so stupid. I was never good. With doing things timed and under pressure. My family says I’m very smart. But I don’t feel smart anymore. Maybe a few years ago I was smarter but I. Think after. My breakdown. Part of my intelligence went away. I thought I had an IQ of 120 or 130 easily maybe even higher. But the aim of the test was to go through average. I don’t want to be average. I want to be bright and intelligent. I want to be erudite and. Scholarly. I should have never dropped out of university because that was the one thing that was saving me from working. Shitty jobs. Now I am in full regret mode. I should have finished. At least a bachelors degree and a masters degree even if just one set of them. In addition those vocational skill courses would have helped me. Get decent jobs on top of my degrees and with tech skills especially with advanced degrees I would have been in demand. But I finished nothing. So therefore I have no career skills to speak of. I’m stuck on disability. And I let myself down.. my parents paid for my university. With student loans and they paid out of pocket for online courses and my sewing classes. I will say this I know they wanted me to succeed even if traditional college was not for me. I love to learn but independently. They thought I could learn a vocational skill. To help me financially support myself if I dropped out of school and gave me ideas on to learn something practical. I had every opportunity and I fucked everything up.,my parents are not paying. For anymore programs or courses. For vocational skills. Until I can show I can complete. Something. At least my mother. Said that. My dad said he would. Pay but I can’t. Quit halfway through. Something and it had to be in person. I should have showed them. The online. Learning suited me better had. I not gotten stuck on course content and final exams with both courses. I fucked up everything in life and I wish I was dead.