Birthday celebration and earnings of life

My parents and sister took me out to dinner at a seafood restaurant in Taunton MA. The food was delicious and then after we got ice cream at tom and jimmies ice cream shop. Apparently they are open all year round. My parents did not say a thing about my clothes during dinner to their credit and did not comment on my sister not finishing her food. I’m 33 years old now. With all the orders including my parents wine the bill was steep with tax and tip for the server almost $200.00. I appreciate my parents and sister taking me out even though I originally did not want to celebrate my birthday because truthfully I don’t like myself and how I allowed my life to turn out. But my parents and sister pointed out the positive things I got to live another year. I have family who love me and friends that care about me. I have a house over my head and other little things. Life is also about celebrating the little things that matter and are good in our lives. Not many people can even go out to eat and spend $100 or $200 at a restaurant for a special occasion. I know I am fortunate in some ways that my parents didn’t kick me to the curb long ago. The way they see it is I didn’t choose to have mental illnesses so disowning and leaving me to fend for myself would be cruel. Because I have not come to a point yet where I can survive on my own. They want to make sure that when they die I. Will be able to fend for myself and live my own life even if I need extra supports. I am going to have a lot of hard work ahead of me in order to mature psychologically and financially sustain myself. My family want me on disability benefits and to work a part time job not making more than the cutoff in wages I can make without losing my disability benefits. They. Want me to have access to other services so I don’t go without food, shelter, decent clothes on my back, utilities. The department of mental health will help me apply for subsidized housing in the future ( low income housing) where. The government pays a portion of my rent and I only pay say one third of my finances for rent and utilities. There are government programs for the poor, elderly, and disabled. I have mental health disabilities so that has affected my life and I am an infp so my temperament is very sensitive. And likes to be autonomous, independent,,and free/flexible which makes a lot of jobs a poor fit for me. I need a career. With professional skills those are the only jobs that I am suited for. Not minimum wage jobs in customer service, retail sales, food service industry, cleaning, home health care etc. if only. I finished my online courses and finished my higher education I would be in one of those careers right now. I get easily drained so I don’t think a 40+ hour week career fits me. I am. Productive in spurts of four to six hours not eight hours. Ideally my vocation only would take 20-30 hours a weeks at most. I would not make as much money. But my sanity would. Thank me. I’m in an awkward situation. I feel that if I stay on SSI I stay poor and indigent. I think I can work more than the limit they set for only.about $1000-$1500 dollars per month for someone to make before they lose their disability benefits, but I don’t think I can handle a full time job meaning 40 hours per week without getting drained or tired out. Maybe.a good career would let me work 20 hours on average and up to 30 hours on really good weeks where I have high concentration and stamina. If I could bring in $3000-$4000 a month on a part time basis that would be satisfactory for me. I would love to have an income of $5,000-$6,000 + per month but usually. That comes with full time work. I would learn to live within my means. I would be happy with making $50,000-$100,000 per year for the rest of my life. At least that is a living wage for one person. I would be ecstatic if I made $100,000-$$200,000 per year say for example as a creative writer and author. I would never have to worry about money again.if I consistently. Made $500,000-$1,000,000 dollars each year because to me that would be a rich income. But realistically I would probably only make about $30,000-$45,000 per year which is not much one taxes and bills are paid if I worked part time. Unless I charged higher rates for my freelance work and independent contract work as I got more experienced so that way I could make the same amount of money as I would close to full time. I will have bills to pay and taxes. To handle and also if I make too much money I no longer qualify for. Government insurance. I would have to pay for my own insurance which is like a few hundred per month on average. Most companies in the United States don’t pay insurance coverage. To part time employees and I really wish they did. And I would love to get an in house job that was part time with benefits but also included a flexible schedule and. Remote work so I didn’t have to commute. Remote work is a necessity for me.. I don’t drive myself around places anymore so having. A reliable mode of transportation is. Non existent. Sure my family chauffeurs. Me around. In the days they can and tries to accommodate me when I want to go somewhere. But if I want to go out I depend on family and friends for rides when we get together. I also don’t have energy until midday. My circadian rhythm and sleep wake cycle makes me productive and energized and alert in the afternoon, evening, and overnight into the early hours of the morning. I could easily stay up until 4 or 5 am and occasionally even 6 am reading and writing. If I feel extra sleepy I don’t feel ready to go to bed before 3am. I am now. Having to go for appointments in the late morning at the corrigan mental health center when I have to get up I am still half asleep and I don’t get my spurt of energy until at least 12-1 pm which is early afternoon. I regret getting involved with the department of mental health. I should have just learned life skills on my own and and had been motivated to change my life on my own. I should have developed the energy and perseverance to handle life’s tasks and run a household which includes cleaning, cooking, washing laundry, household shopping and. Maintenance.. also paying bills, taxes, and insurance. I never learned to balance. Education, career, running a household with. Hobbies/interests/talents/passions//skillsets/aptitudes, volunteering, travel, and socializing with friends and family. I can’t believe I made it to my junior year in college before dropping out. Many disabled adults never finish high school. The psychologist. Who interviewed me for social security administration. Said I was smart when I told her I had an associates degree. I don’t consider that smart. Smart is more of a masters or phd to me. If I was smart enough I would at least be moderately educated with a bachelors degree. Although. There are smart people who have never been to university or college. But disabled adults often struggle to finish school and secure steady employment or a career because they don’t have the resources or accommodations to help them succeed. I want to go back to school for my degrees online and vocational certificates and diplomas online from home study programs. I also want a work life balance when I find a career. I don’t want to work holidays or weekends. I would rather work Monday through. Friday 4-6 hours a day with a flexible schedule of my choosing and remotely and be able to have the rest of my life to take care of things and enjoy my life. Ok if I was really into my work I could swap one weekend day for a day during the week if I didn’t work that day during the week. But the point is 4-5 days a week for work and taking care of life. 2-3 days for enjoying life and play. I don’t want to work so much that I can’t even enjoy my life. There are. People who work 50-60+ hours per week and to me that is nuts and unhealthy. Sure they make more money but their. Health deteriorates and they don’t have the balance to enjoy life. I am a person who needs regular breaks in order to fully focus on important tasks. There are many industries now. That allows self paced work as long as you deliver an excellent work. Product and. Get the. Task or project done by the deadline. I am also an introvert ( I’m very social for an introvert almost an ambivert.) so too much socialization without a break tires me out and I need to be free of distractions to fully focus if I will be doing a task or project. I also am a night owl and don’t have energy in the morning. I’m tired of being told that if I just go to bed earlier I’ll get up earlier and feel more rested. That is not how it works. My energy. And alertness picks up around early afternoon and increases as the day turns to evening. And late night. Night owls are expected to keep the same hours as everyone else and it is just not fair. I understand attending things in early afternoon, but before that it is just not right to expect night owls to be like early birds and to be fully functional while we are still half asleep. I have appointments at the department of mental health that were scheduled for 11:00 and 11:30 am onsite that means I have to get up at like 9 am to 9:30 am when I am. Still half. Asleep and not alert. I’m expected to be functional and productive at those hours for these appointments which is not helpful to me at all. Why couldn’t they do afternoon appointments? At spectrum nuerobehavioral care I can get afternoon appointments and zoom conference appointments remotely. DMH. Doesn’t do any of their appointments remotely. And they are less flexible with the times they are available. Also I wonder if with getting stuck on my courses and final exams if I have a learning disability. It feels like it sometimes because I should be able to get past the the confusion and obstacles and I’m supposed to be smart and intelligent. If I got stuck on the final exams and course content how on earth will I do other certificates and diplomas and my degrees? I feel so dumb for getting stuck. I need to overcome this confusion and finish my courses so I can get freelance work. If I make an extra $1000-$1500 per month on top of my disability benefits I will be good right now. Eventually I might also qualify for section 8 housing or subsidized housing. I know I repeat myself sometimes. I am scared to be honest that I will always be disabled. At least the therapist at corrigan mental health center has the latest time available at 2:30 pm for therapy appointments. I pray the psychiatrist also has mid afternoon appointments. At like 2:00-3:00 pm. Everything is done in person at corrigan mental health center in Fall River MA. There are also peer support specialists who help as well. I hope I am not making a mistake working with DMH. My case had recently been accepted for department of mental health services. I wish I never developed mental health disabilities. My parents have put up with my financial and emotional dependence on them for many years. And as controlling as they sometimes have been over my clothing choices at times, they never kicked me out of their house or made me homeless or going without my necessities like food, shelter, clothing, and other material. Comforts. I will give them this much they don’t believe in abandoning. Family or their children. They are very loyal to. Their family. And though they can say some really. Insensitive remarks and mock me for my clothing choices which is obnoxious and emotionally abusive. . Sometimes, they are mostly well meaning. I don’t have the full freedom many adults. Have because of my mental health problems. Including driving myself around. They are open to me renewing my license and possibly driving again in the future if as they put it I am in a better headspace. I thought I was a lot more alert in the afternoons and evenings and could drive then. I don’t miss other drivers being assholes on the road and tailgating and cutting me off and making me angry and anxious. But I do miss the independence and freedom of being able to transport myself around even if it was just locally. I have some freedom relative to my situation. At least I’m not in a psychiatric hospital like I was two years ago for two weeks. I think I’m completely stabilized mentally because of my medication and therapy. I could have a lot more freedom to be honest. But I need to prove I can take care of myself first and I think if I had a part time remote flexible job I could get more things for myself besides my parents paying for me and my social security disability benefits paying for some of my stuff while my dad also uses some of the money to help pay. Off my student loans. I am a genuine case that needed the help financially for the time being. I feel bad being on welfare but in the meantime. I definitely need it. My family thinks I should keep it and work part time hours for a few hundred to thousand extra dollars per month. I feel like I really messed up my life. Some people with severe mental issues go on to work full time jobs and live fulfilled lives as much as they can. I think at most 20- 30 hours per week is the most I can handle like I mentioned above. I think I can only handle. Part time work and part time education at the same time. Some people manage to work full time and go to school full time but I would be way too overwhelmed. And. Doing my hobbies and passions while committing to higher education.and part time career I think is what I can handle. So it will take me longer. Than average to finish but as long as I get it done and have those goals met. I don’t think I can handle more than two. Classes at a time even in an accelerated format. I will only do what I can handle. I could. Do three or. Four courses at a time if it was a self paced format. And I purchased a class and had six months to a year to complete it. Without strict deadlines. And no weekly or monthly deadlines. Some online colleges have this option. I know I should be grateful for what I have and the relative freedom I have, but I always. Wanted more freedom. I’m scared to take care of myself because I wonder if I will be able to keep up with all my responsibilities and keep things organized like for example checking my emails and going through voicemails and text messages every day. I wonder if I will be able to organize myself in order to have a structured place for all my personal items. I know I have to learn the skills to take care of myself like cooking. ( i know how to clean and do laundry but I haven’t cleaned anything in months.) I need to learn to how to budget finances, pay bills, pay taxes, and navigate insurance. I need to establish a credit history. There is just so much to do. I need to learn household shopping and maintenance. I need to learn to balance everything without getting tired out or overwhelmed. I also need to get back to getting up at 11:30 am to 12 pm the latest. There have been days I just stay in bed after I have woken up for the day until 1:00pm or 2:00 pm because my bed is so cozy and comfortable and I feel sad to be alive sometimes. I kick myself for letting my life turn out the way it has and for falling behind on adult milestones such as finishing my higher education ( but can continuously learn in continuing education programs and learning for enrichment too), having a career, being financially independent and taking care of myself and moving out into my own place. Other experiences too like traveling on my own or with friends or a significant other/spouse. Navigating the world on my own. I never really experienced that. I have always been under my family’s protection but it will not last forever. I don’t want to end up in a group home or institutionalized setting for adults with mental illness or disabilities if I don’t learn how to take care of myself. My parents have guardianship over me and what caused them to seek guardianship was when two years ago I had a breakdown and was psychotic and dissociating from reality. I wish that never happened. I almost got arrested for falsifying police reports on the neighbors thinking what I was saying was true. I ended up being a menace although not dangerous as even in my schizophrenic mindset I was not violent. I make sure to take my prescribed medication everyday so I never go back to having episodes like that. It is unfortunate that I was affected by depression, anxiety, ptsd, and schizophrenia. Before my breakdown, I would say I didn’t have schizophrenia because I went for many years without incident. When I was a teenager, I was sure my house and myself were haunted by ghosts and poltergeist activity. I remember seeing things there since I was a little child apparitions and what I would feel was spiritual/supernatural activity. And then because I am an infp of infj my preferences and motivations and how I interact with the world, it makes sense that I had disappointments in education and employment. I need to have a purpose for everything and it needs to be meaningful. My cognitive stack functions say infp a little more than infj. I need to develop some structure in my life and get my goals done with self direction and not only distract myself with hobbies, passions, and entertainment to postpone working towards my goals when I get confused or stuck on something. My courses online could hold the key to getting paid work and career skills that could make me a decent living and I would no longer have to worry about being employed. Whether it was self employment ( freelancing.or independent contractor work) or being a part time flexible employee who worked remotely. I could be making an actual living and put something on my resume and. Cover letter. Also when doctors offices have paper work. Asking what profession you are in I could put something in. I just need to overcome not understanding the course material and final exams on some parts. Earning a living would make me feel better about myself and be a boon to my wallet. I hope to at least make the life partially what I wanted for myself when I was younger. I wished to have moved far away from my family and New England and gotten a. Fresh start. Now I’m probably going to stay close to my family for the extra supports even throughout my adult life. I feel as. Though my life will be very limited in some aspects. I wonder how much I am really going to travel around the United States and the world especially with all the clothes I wear I have a hard time fitting my boots/shoes, apparel, accessories and everything else into one suitcase and one carry on. I always bring extra bags including to stay for three nights over my aunts and uncles house which I did last July. I also have to learn to change tires on cars. I don’t think I’ll ever get my. RV motorhome to travel the country and the world in. I truly wish I was fully functional and could live out all my dreams but I'll be lucky if I achieve a few of them by the time I am an old woman including being a creative writer and author and learning seven to ten languages fluently. I would learn 15-20 languages fluently if I could but I made the number more realistic. I would learn advanced techniques in art and crafts including.illustration/drawing/painting and textile and metal work crafts like knitting, sewing, embroidery, crochet, stumpwork, jewelry making etc. to become even more proficient and skilled at creating these things. I would learn a bunch of different hobbies and passions. Of course I will never give up my love of reading too. I could learn music and to pick up a musical instrument. On an amateur basis and learn to sing even better. I have a lot of dreams and desires but realistically. I’ll be lucky if half of them come true. I wish I was not weighed down with mental illness and sometimes having creative block. I wish I could embrace being a mature infp or infj and assertive one. Then life would be so much easier and make more sense. I rant a lot.