27, moving out before marriage.

So background story: I am 27 years old and pay for everything on my own… except rent. My parents are very old fashioned… women should not have intercourse before marriage, and should not move out until married. That is their way of thinking. So, I’ve lived with them all my life except one year when I was 23 I moved to a different city for a job. I was single and lived there alone in my condo. My parents were completely fine with this. It’s only when I am in a relationship that they become super helicopter parents and very restricting. ie. not allowed to sleepover with bf or go on trips etc. So anyways after a year of living on my own I found a job near my parents future retirement home in a different city. They offered to let me stay there and when I told them I didn’t want to because I still wanted to live on my own they pretty much guilted me by saying I’m not appreciative and being stupid for not taking the opportunity to save money and not worry about paying rent. So, I have always been a people pleaser and wanted to be the child my parents were proud of so I just decided to stay to not cause drama… well I was single the next 3 years so there wasn’t much issue until now when I started dating a guy they like very much. I am 27 and he just bought a house for us. Now that I am dating, even though they like the guy, I am more under surveillance. They do not let me stay at his house and call it “ignorant and bad for my reputation”. They do let us go out etc but we come home to them from dates so we get no privacy, as we are not allowed in the bedrooms. If I stay out late my parents “can’t sleep until I get back” and then get mad that I was inconsiderate for being out late because they weren’t able to sleep until I got back… keep in mind I am 27, make good money, have my own car, and have never been in trouble with law or anything. I finally decided the feeling of feeling like a child in my relationship was too much for me and so I told my mom I was moving out. She blew up.. she cried, yelled, said I was ruining her life, that I was killing her, that I am betraying her, that she is distraught, etc etc of course this makes me feel guilty and horrible because I love my parents, but this is exactly what has kept me from moving out because I wanted to avoid the drama. But this time I decided to rip the bandaid and I have moved out and in with boyfriend. I am just having a hard time not feeling horrible for how she is feeling and for her being hurt, even though I know in the grand scheme of things I am doing nothing wrong. She just doesn’t believe in moving out before marriage and for some reason only had a major problem with it now, when I’m in a relationship, even though they like the guy. Also, she is not just upset because I am moving in with my boyfriend, because when I first brought this up I said I was moving out into my own place not with him. And she still blew up and had all those reactions to it. Please just tell me what you think or how I can move past this overwhelming guilt and feeling horrible for making my parents feel this way.

mikeylyksit · 41-45, M

Your best odds of having a successful marriage are if you get married before the age of 24. Men who are serious about marriage typically shy away from dating women who are living with their parents. So to live with your parents until age 27 was a huge mistake for you, assuming that you ever want to get married. In that sense, you were absolutely correct to move away from your parents.

HOWEVER...I think you've just jumped out of the frying pan and into the fire. You mention a boyfriend. You mention him buying a house for the two of you. You mention marriage in the sense that your parents think that you should live with them until you are married. What I have NOT read is that you are currently engaged. I think if you were ENGAGED, you probably would have mentioned that.

Dear, your odds of getting married drop like a ROCK at age 30. If you don't have a firm commitment from your boyfriend to tie the knot sometime within the next 6-12 months at MOST...

You are going to look back on this decision in a few years and realize that you made a huge mistake. And ironically, that huge mistake had nothing to do with your parents, or moving to live away from your parents. That huge mistake was in deciding to "live with" a guy without firm wedding plans at the age of (gulp) 27.

Many will disagree with me and say you have plenty of time to get married. But that's only in the sense that you will have plenty of choice of potential husbands later, if you want to "settle" quite a bit. If your guy is good enough for you to live with, he's good enough to marry. If HE doesn't think YOU are good enough to marry RIGHT NOW, then ...

He's wasting your precious time, dear. Your prime years are already behind you and most folks who know better say the wall is 30 years old for women, and THE WALL IS UNDEFEATED.

Not trying to scare you. Trying to help you. Good luck...

Moraguea · 26-30, F

@mikeylyksit thank you for your feedback. He is actually planning proposing in a couple months and we’ve already booked our honeymoon for December 2022. We are very much serious about each other and in love. Also, we are only 7 months into our relationship, so the timing to get engaged makes more sense in a few months. As far as moving in with him, I agree it may be too early if that’s what you’re thinking, however, I think of our relationship is gonna have any chance, I need to move out of my parents so that we can live and date and get to know each other without being restricted.

mikeylyksit · 41-45, M

@Moraguea Well, for perspective....a little wisdom from the old folks...

If you know that you are going to get engaged, there is no point in delaying that. If you interview folks who have been married for insanely long periods of time like 60 or 70 years, you will find odd similarities (with few exceptions)
1) They married less than a year after first meeting each other. Sometimes within weeks or even DAYS of meeting each other. When it's right, it doesn't take long to figure that out.
2) The "wedding" was rather informal. Sometimes it's literally at the court house with a JP. But even in a church, there were no more than 20 people present, including the bride, the groom and the priest...

The reasons these situations tend to make marriages that last are, people who can make good decisions tend to pounce on opportunity when it presents itself. Also, people with small weddings are couples who are focused more on THEMSELVES than other people near them (or not so near them). And really, if you are serious about marriage, then you don't really care who is at the wedding as long as you have all the necessary people. The necessary are the bride, the groom, the officiator, and a witness or two...

I think your plan as is, is just OK. But if he finds a reason to delay at all, you might want to re-think this...