It is such an unsettling experience to be trying to force myself back into places that I've outgrown....
I am not there and yet I am here, I cannot explain this good enough
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being · 36-40, F
@Matt85 I feel a slight guilt of refusing people from my past to enter my current life.
Then I return to myself and I say clearly "NO, access denied". I feel good, that I am honoring myself and my field.
But then yesterday that friend called "such behaviors arrogant" and then I thought, oh okay, so now I am the arrogant to them, then let that be, I was this and that so I can as well be it. If that's what their collective narrative chooses to see in me. It is somewhat alienating. I am alienating myself from them, I want to. I wish them the best, to be happy and free. I just don't want to be with them, I want to begin with a clean slate. Especially because there is this distance. And they are many of them. If it was a single person, it would have been different, things could be somehow resolved with a few long conversations and communication.
But now it feels it's a thousand conversations I need to make, if I begin this Pandora's box.
It is a very similar feeling I have felt going over my older notebooks. That truly I am not in the mood to go back and converse with the old.
It is what I am experiencing here with my parents and family. I feel changed, I feel ready to begin something different.
This is all very difficult for me and I don't know what to do with what I am given/created.
I feel less compassionate and more free. I am torn there now.
Then I return to myself and I say clearly "NO, access denied". I feel good, that I am honoring myself and my field.
But then yesterday that friend called "such behaviors arrogant" and then I thought, oh okay, so now I am the arrogant to them, then let that be, I was this and that so I can as well be it. If that's what their collective narrative chooses to see in me. It is somewhat alienating. I am alienating myself from them, I want to. I wish them the best, to be happy and free. I just don't want to be with them, I want to begin with a clean slate. Especially because there is this distance. And they are many of them. If it was a single person, it would have been different, things could be somehow resolved with a few long conversations and communication.
But now it feels it's a thousand conversations I need to make, if I begin this Pandora's box.
It is a very similar feeling I have felt going over my older notebooks. That truly I am not in the mood to go back and converse with the old.
It is what I am experiencing here with my parents and family. I feel changed, I feel ready to begin something different.
This is all very difficult for me and I don't know what to do with what I am given/created.
I feel less compassionate and more free. I am torn there now.
