I Have Nightmares Every Night
It borders on a year now, that I have had nightmares almost every night. My mind has been plagued by insecurity... And with it, came the nightmares.
I wish I had the typical nightmares; the ones where you're running from some monster... Or being mocked or followed. These are enemies I can fight. If that were the case, I could eradicate these nightmares with a few lucid dreams. But those aren't the nightmares I have. Those things no longer scare me.
No, my sleeping mind only has psychological horror in store for me. It knows exactly what to show me in order to break me. I guess that's why my subconscious sees it fit to put him in almost all of them. Every night my subliminal mind comes up with new ways to torture me with thoughts of him.
I wake up in various stages of sobbing and I feel ashamed. I can't fight this. I can't fight him. I can only try and run from it, and so l have. Smoking copious amounts of weed used to help. It takes away your dreams, you see. And it worked, for a while. But not even sweet Mary Jane takes away the nightmares away anymore. Mostly, the fear of them keeps me awake, but all must sleep eventually. And then they come for me.
There is an upside to all of this, however. They remind me that I can still feel... A reminder I need more and more of late.
I wish I had the typical nightmares; the ones where you're running from some monster... Or being mocked or followed. These are enemies I can fight. If that were the case, I could eradicate these nightmares with a few lucid dreams. But those aren't the nightmares I have. Those things no longer scare me.
No, my sleeping mind only has psychological horror in store for me. It knows exactly what to show me in order to break me. I guess that's why my subconscious sees it fit to put him in almost all of them. Every night my subliminal mind comes up with new ways to torture me with thoughts of him.
I wake up in various stages of sobbing and I feel ashamed. I can't fight this. I can't fight him. I can only try and run from it, and so l have. Smoking copious amounts of weed used to help. It takes away your dreams, you see. And it worked, for a while. But not even sweet Mary Jane takes away the nightmares away anymore. Mostly, the fear of them keeps me awake, but all must sleep eventually. And then they come for me.
There is an upside to all of this, however. They remind me that I can still feel... A reminder I need more and more of late.
31-35, F
