First I push everyone away, then I get lonely.

That's kind of like me. i would blame myself for pushing people away when they're just being nice. In my case i was afraid they'll get too close, becase the closer i am to someone the more vulnerable i become. I didn't like that thought so i avoided people. it got better for me when i talked to my sister about it. The good friends i've made helped me too. If you're able to open up just to one person, it might get better 🙂. I apologize if anything i said didn't feel right to you, and i hope you'll feel better soon