Why do people pretend to be happy alone when they are really not?
Why do you think we pretend to be happy around people when we're not? I see a lot of "not be vulnerable" and stuff, but I dunno. I've seen the effect a smile can have on the people around you, so I try my damn best to always look happy or energetic at the very least, especially with friends, coworkers and family. If I'm feeling sad and I'm visually sad around my coworkers, I know that they will be negatively affected and maybe feel a bit moodier than usual.
On the opposite side, trying to be smiling and energetic when I see them a bit down usually manages to up them a bit or a least ease their pain a little for the time being. So yeah, mostly for people around me that I care about. Doesn't hurt to let go every once in a while of course, but I'd say a smile often goes a long way. Many reasons that depend on what people are we surrounded by. Sometimes they are people that care about us, but their own life is difficult enough already, so we don't want to burden them with our problems when we feel like we can solve them ourselves or ask help from someone more equiped to help us without any personal cost for them. Sometimes we are aware that the people around us have a very misguided and counterproductive beliefs on how to help others, which means them knowing about our problems could lead them to unwittingly make those problems worse. And last of all, sometimes we are surrounded by evil people that could use any of our problems as a weapon against us, so it is safer to not reveal anything that could be percieved as a weak spot.
I found the culture in the US, especially among white people, to be particularly intolerant on people not being happy on group occasions. I understand that we don’t want to burden others, but it should be at least okay to be unhappy and not facing a concerning gaze or question on why I’m not happy as if I should be all the time.
Because nobody wants to see their friend take pity and/or get sad along. For me it's always because everybody is happy and positive. I never want to destroy the mood. I act pretend happy IRL because that's where i can't run away from people. On here i can express my feelings however I want as long as it follows the guidelines because nobody knows who I am IRL. It's not even conscious anymore. It's like i've developed a reflex or coping mechanism to always smile or laugh whenever I'm with my friends or family. Beginning when I was 14, I started noticing there was this hole in my heart. And no amount of working, studying, or making new connections ever did anything to fully fill that gap. They gave me temporary distractions to work toward, but ultimately I found myself down in the same well I'd always been.
Same, I always feel like i have to switch to be with different people. I don't think there is anyone i have shown my real self to because i keep automatically switching to a different personality/mood/opinion etc. I do this because my sister is crazy and my mother always tells me not to fall out with her about the stupidest things. So everytime i'm not by myself, i filter all these emotions. Its either happy or indifferent. I also don't trust anyone. If I try opening up to someone they either don't understand why i'm being dramatic, or give these "words of encouragement". I hate getting compliments because i always feel like they're not genuine. Everytime i get complimented my mood sours and i feel like thowing up. Sometimes, i do get genuinly happy from compliments.
I feel the same way. Well worse now. But the whole fake persona smiling when you would rather cry, talk and show excitement when you would rather not speak, and acting as though life is the best and we should all be grateful, makes you feel even worse when you can't be.
See mine does seem worse (lol i just re-read yours) hopefully my depressive words will show you, you're not to far gone yet. But if it doesn't. Im sorry, and I understand. I've failed multple times in multiple ways to kill myself and I fail each time it's honestly torture. Having a Life and pretending for others seems to be more selfish giving it to them and sticking around because of this idea that you are the one being selfish with your life? It's all confusing to me more then you doing what is best for you or put you at "peace". In the end once I'm gone sure people might be sad( well no one really in my life, but hypothetically) but their life continues sure they lose "a friend or family" but they don't have to live my life. They get to go home at night and be content in their minds and heart. If I die. Their life still continues. But if I live I become more miserable and they become more resentful with me when I can't live up to their emotional expectations. and in my case finally when they have had enough they will disappear and I will just be more alone while they can play the fake mourning and grieving card when I finally succeed one day.
So cheer up because you are a bucket full of sunshine compared to me. Don't you hate when people do that? It could be worse?
Be safe. Talk to someone. Sometimes it helps with a stranger. You don't have to feel like you are forced to put on this fake emotional wall to a stranger because they can't Judge you and show those pity states not like a person the people that know would or could.
Summer's halfway done and it's made these feelings even more intense. What's the point of living? I still can't find an answer. Am I just not supposed to fling myself off a building just because it will make the people around me sad? Are we all pretending to be happy for the sake of others?
Lucky bloke! I am an unlucky 30-something citizen of a highly developed country, living in arguably the most expensive city in the country, unhappily single, high rent and crippling student loans with 3 serious illnesses so far. On the positive, I live in my #1 choice of locations, have my dream job and am breathing. That makes me happy and have good days about 80-85% of the time. My bad days are similar to yours, too, I just think I have more health issues so it has a larger negative impact on my life. I guess it really does come down to health first. I'm not saying that to minimize the struggles of less fortunate but rather an observation on our individual polar situations yet our happiness is based on the same factors.
People who love me get really sad if they see me depressed. Which makes them try to do things to make me happy. But those things don’t really make me happy. Temporary relief is not happiness but as soon as I let out a smile, I get a ‘It’s so good to see you happy’. It makes me feel pressured to be happy for them, if I don’t, I will disappoint them and their efforts to make me happy. Also makes me feel like I am some ungrateful person. But staying depressed in front of them is so difficult. I don’t know if I explained it well. Thanks for reading.
People express love in different ways, and not all expressed ways are wanted by the recipient (case in point, the "so good to see you happy" comments). The people around you want to congratulate you on your successes in life, see you happy and share good times with you, however they may not understand that YOUR definition of success is not THEIRS. Every relationship is a "compromise". No-one can be themselves 100% of the time...we need to "do things others want" sometimes. Case in point, those around you HAVE to understand you are NOT happy when you smile and SHOULDN'T "congratulate you" (make a comment) as you don't like it. And you can't show your sad face all the time as it will hurt them as they feel powerless to help you. Solution? If they can't make the necessary compromises and neither can you, it's time to make some other relationships...ones where both side can be themselves as well as "play the game" to make things "work".
Same. I tend to have a hard time trying to stay happy. I’m still lonely after the last couple of years, and I think it’s gotten to me “if I kill myself now, will anybody notice I’m gone? Will they even care?” I don’t really know what to do at this point. I don’t think they understand how I feel. I thought about a therapist, but it will just be a waste of time and patience. My life is pretty much just “act happy, and they won’t care. Act depressed, and they will try to help and fail” I’m stuck in this cycle, and I don’t know what to do.
People don't really care if you are happy or not is just their ego that makes them feel better if they "help others" but the truth is if you pretend you are happy they will ignore you even if they know you are sad. Infact I have, many times, explained that this feeling just doesn’t go away. And for that moment they understand it too. I feel a little relaxed and they are ‘so happy to see me happy again’ cycle continues. I am finding it difficult to break their bubble, they genuinely want to see me happy. I think they cannot see me unhappy, and it makes me feel guilty to then be depressed infront of them. So I rather try to show them I’m ok. Vicious cycle.
Been battling with depression as long as I can remember. It's got to a point now where I'm just completely despondant and expressionless. Numb, no pain, no joy. I'm working on it... But in the meantime, it's very important that I learn to seem happy/joyful/enthusiastic because I have just started working as a fitness instructor. I need to coach fitness classes every day and my boss is getting seriously on my case about not bringing energy/enthusiasm into my classes.
I've tried so hard to fake it but I just can't get it right. I can't even fake a smile without it looking obviously fake (This has been pointed out, not just my own insecurity).
How do I pretend to be happy and enthusiastic for the sake of my job? I can't lose this job...
I kind of know that feeling. I’ve been battling on and off depression for many years, and there was a time in my life where faking happiness in front of many people was very important. What I started to do was pretend in my head I’m a famous actress who got a role that involves doing whatever it was I needed to do that day. It put a protective layer between me and what I was supposed to do, and it made masking my feelings much easier if I pretended that I was playing a role and not even supposed to be myself in any dimension. The fake smiles became less obviously fake, and cultivating a bubbly personality became less of a chore. Obviously, YMMV, but it’s how I saved myself from feeling so dissociated all the time.
Ugh, I'd hate the thought of working at a call center. Though I'm past the days when my struggle with depression was at the very worst years ago, I'd hate the thought of dealing with some of those very rude customers over the phone. Used to work at a movie theater years ago(during the time I was going through a more worst part of my depression vs. now), and ugh I'd never again want to work at such a theater anywhere! Too many asshole customers, we had to deal with all the time.
I always do it at school and people believe it, then when I come home I burst out crying on my pillow for hours and hours straight until my mom calls me to eat food, but it's also been hard for me to eat so it hurts me to eat infront of her and my brother because I look like an idiot swallowing food that I can't eat for some reason, and it just hurts.
When I look normal and don't smile my father is like "What's going on?" and "What is it this time?". Then I answer "Nothing and stop asking like that (in that tone) when you only give the same bad advice like the last uncountable times." Then he gets mad and screams at me "no matter what I say or how I say it is the correct." I explained it to him a few times but he still keeps pushing the guilt towards me at the end, always, that's why I warn him to not give me the same guilt trip like every time, again. Aaaaand the blame is back on me who has self esteem issues. Next thing is that the discussion escalates and he says stuff like "You are like your mother" (the one that ruined my childhood and his adult life) or screams "It's always other people but not you!" Now I'm trapped in pretending to be happy just so that I can stay longer 'normal' depressed, without self consuming crippling depressing thoughts after loud discussions like that. It's a cage I can't escape :/
Because mental health problems are stigmatized. We are told "get over it" or "just cheer up" or a thousand other things. When we reveal how we really feel, people get uncomfortable and shy away from us. So we either fake it and scream on the inside or we be who we are and are left completely alone to wither in self-loathing.
When I was depressed, faking being happy meant that I could pretend I wasn't depressed. Plus, I hated being depressed so I tried my hardest to make other people happy. I didn't want them to feel depressed or sad because I know how it feels. Laughing always felt good, but mostly if it was a genuine laugh.
If someone is very content with being alone and occupying their time with their hobbies and seems to have no desire to go out and meet people, is there something wrong with them? Do they have a disorder they need to have evaluated?
How do you understand "at first you have to be happy alone to find a happy relationship"? Do you sometimes think about the relationship (or that you want to be in one) although you are happy alone?
On the opposite side, trying to be smiling and energetic when I see them a bit down usually manages to up them a bit or a least ease their pain a little for the time being. So yeah, mostly for people around me that I care about. Doesn't hurt to let go every once in a while of course, but I'd say a smile often goes a long way. Many reasons that depend on what people are we surrounded by. Sometimes they are people that care about us, but their own life is difficult enough already, so we don't want to burden them with our problems when we feel like we can solve them ourselves or ask help from someone more equiped to help us without any personal cost for them. Sometimes we are aware that the people around us have a very misguided and counterproductive beliefs on how to help others, which means them knowing about our problems could lead them to unwittingly make those problems worse. And last of all, sometimes we are surrounded by evil people that could use any of our problems as a weapon against us, so it is safer to not reveal anything that could be percieved as a weak spot.
I found the culture in the US, especially among white people, to be particularly intolerant on people not being happy on group occasions. I understand that we don’t want to burden others, but it should be at least okay to be unhappy and not facing a concerning gaze or question on why I’m not happy as if I should be all the time.
Because nobody wants to see their friend take pity and/or get sad along. For me it's always because everybody is happy and positive. I never want to destroy the mood. I act pretend happy IRL because that's where i can't run away from people. On here i can express my feelings however I want as long as it follows the guidelines because nobody knows who I am IRL. It's not even conscious anymore. It's like i've developed a reflex or coping mechanism to always smile or laugh whenever I'm with my friends or family. Beginning when I was 14, I started noticing there was this hole in my heart. And no amount of working, studying, or making new connections ever did anything to fully fill that gap. They gave me temporary distractions to work toward, but ultimately I found myself down in the same well I'd always been.
Same, I always feel like i have to switch to be with different people. I don't think there is anyone i have shown my real self to because i keep automatically switching to a different personality/mood/opinion etc. I do this because my sister is crazy and my mother always tells me not to fall out with her about the stupidest things. So everytime i'm not by myself, i filter all these emotions. Its either happy or indifferent. I also don't trust anyone. If I try opening up to someone they either don't understand why i'm being dramatic, or give these "words of encouragement". I hate getting compliments because i always feel like they're not genuine. Everytime i get complimented my mood sours and i feel like thowing up. Sometimes, i do get genuinly happy from compliments.
I feel the same way. Well worse now. But the whole fake persona smiling when you would rather cry, talk and show excitement when you would rather not speak, and acting as though life is the best and we should all be grateful, makes you feel even worse when you can't be.
See mine does seem worse (lol i just re-read yours) hopefully my depressive words will show you, you're not to far gone yet. But if it doesn't. Im sorry, and I understand. I've failed multple times in multiple ways to kill myself and I fail each time it's honestly torture. Having a Life and pretending for others seems to be more selfish giving it to them and sticking around because of this idea that you are the one being selfish with your life? It's all confusing to me more then you doing what is best for you or put you at "peace". In the end once I'm gone sure people might be sad( well no one really in my life, but hypothetically) but their life continues sure they lose "a friend or family" but they don't have to live my life. They get to go home at night and be content in their minds and heart. If I die. Their life still continues. But if I live I become more miserable and they become more resentful with me when I can't live up to their emotional expectations. and in my case finally when they have had enough they will disappear and I will just be more alone while they can play the fake mourning and grieving card when I finally succeed one day.
So cheer up because you are a bucket full of sunshine compared to me. Don't you hate when people do that? It could be worse?
Be safe. Talk to someone. Sometimes it helps with a stranger. You don't have to feel like you are forced to put on this fake emotional wall to a stranger because they can't Judge you and show those pity states not like a person the people that know would or could.
Summer's halfway done and it's made these feelings even more intense. What's the point of living? I still can't find an answer. Am I just not supposed to fling myself off a building just because it will make the people around me sad? Are we all pretending to be happy for the sake of others?
Lucky bloke! I am an unlucky 30-something citizen of a highly developed country, living in arguably the most expensive city in the country, unhappily single, high rent and crippling student loans with 3 serious illnesses so far. On the positive, I live in my #1 choice of locations, have my dream job and am breathing. That makes me happy and have good days about 80-85% of the time. My bad days are similar to yours, too, I just think I have more health issues so it has a larger negative impact on my life. I guess it really does come down to health first. I'm not saying that to minimize the struggles of less fortunate but rather an observation on our individual polar situations yet our happiness is based on the same factors.
People who love me get really sad if they see me depressed. Which makes them try to do things to make me happy. But those things don’t really make me happy. Temporary relief is not happiness but as soon as I let out a smile, I get a ‘It’s so good to see you happy’. It makes me feel pressured to be happy for them, if I don’t, I will disappoint them and their efforts to make me happy. Also makes me feel like I am some ungrateful person. But staying depressed in front of them is so difficult. I don’t know if I explained it well. Thanks for reading.
People express love in different ways, and not all expressed ways are wanted by the recipient (case in point, the "so good to see you happy" comments). The people around you want to congratulate you on your successes in life, see you happy and share good times with you, however they may not understand that YOUR definition of success is not THEIRS. Every relationship is a "compromise". No-one can be themselves 100% of the time...we need to "do things others want" sometimes. Case in point, those around you HAVE to understand you are NOT happy when you smile and SHOULDN'T "congratulate you" (make a comment) as you don't like it. And you can't show your sad face all the time as it will hurt them as they feel powerless to help you. Solution? If they can't make the necessary compromises and neither can you, it's time to make some other relationships...ones where both side can be themselves as well as "play the game" to make things "work".
Same. I tend to have a hard time trying to stay happy. I’m still lonely after the last couple of years, and I think it’s gotten to me “if I kill myself now, will anybody notice I’m gone? Will they even care?” I don’t really know what to do at this point. I don’t think they understand how I feel. I thought about a therapist, but it will just be a waste of time and patience. My life is pretty much just “act happy, and they won’t care. Act depressed, and they will try to help and fail” I’m stuck in this cycle, and I don’t know what to do.
People don't really care if you are happy or not is just their ego that makes them feel better if they "help others" but the truth is if you pretend you are happy they will ignore you even if they know you are sad. Infact I have, many times, explained that this feeling just doesn’t go away. And for that moment they understand it too. I feel a little relaxed and they are ‘so happy to see me happy again’ cycle continues. I am finding it difficult to break their bubble, they genuinely want to see me happy. I think they cannot see me unhappy, and it makes me feel guilty to then be depressed infront of them. So I rather try to show them I’m ok. Vicious cycle.
Been battling with depression as long as I can remember. It's got to a point now where I'm just completely despondant and expressionless. Numb, no pain, no joy. I'm working on it... But in the meantime, it's very important that I learn to seem happy/joyful/enthusiastic because I have just started working as a fitness instructor. I need to coach fitness classes every day and my boss is getting seriously on my case about not bringing energy/enthusiasm into my classes.
I've tried so hard to fake it but I just can't get it right. I can't even fake a smile without it looking obviously fake (This has been pointed out, not just my own insecurity).
How do I pretend to be happy and enthusiastic for the sake of my job? I can't lose this job...
I kind of know that feeling. I’ve been battling on and off depression for many years, and there was a time in my life where faking happiness in front of many people was very important. What I started to do was pretend in my head I’m a famous actress who got a role that involves doing whatever it was I needed to do that day. It put a protective layer between me and what I was supposed to do, and it made masking my feelings much easier if I pretended that I was playing a role and not even supposed to be myself in any dimension. The fake smiles became less obviously fake, and cultivating a bubbly personality became less of a chore. Obviously, YMMV, but it’s how I saved myself from feeling so dissociated all the time.
Ugh, I'd hate the thought of working at a call center. Though I'm past the days when my struggle with depression was at the very worst years ago, I'd hate the thought of dealing with some of those very rude customers over the phone. Used to work at a movie theater years ago(during the time I was going through a more worst part of my depression vs. now), and ugh I'd never again want to work at such a theater anywhere! Too many asshole customers, we had to deal with all the time.
I always do it at school and people believe it, then when I come home I burst out crying on my pillow for hours and hours straight until my mom calls me to eat food, but it's also been hard for me to eat so it hurts me to eat infront of her and my brother because I look like an idiot swallowing food that I can't eat for some reason, and it just hurts.
When I look normal and don't smile my father is like "What's going on?" and "What is it this time?". Then I answer "Nothing and stop asking like that (in that tone) when you only give the same bad advice like the last uncountable times." Then he gets mad and screams at me "no matter what I say or how I say it is the correct." I explained it to him a few times but he still keeps pushing the guilt towards me at the end, always, that's why I warn him to not give me the same guilt trip like every time, again. Aaaaand the blame is back on me who has self esteem issues. Next thing is that the discussion escalates and he says stuff like "You are like your mother" (the one that ruined my childhood and his adult life) or screams "It's always other people but not you!" Now I'm trapped in pretending to be happy just so that I can stay longer 'normal' depressed, without self consuming crippling depressing thoughts after loud discussions like that. It's a cage I can't escape :/
Because mental health problems are stigmatized. We are told "get over it" or "just cheer up" or a thousand other things. When we reveal how we really feel, people get uncomfortable and shy away from us. So we either fake it and scream on the inside or we be who we are and are left completely alone to wither in self-loathing.
When I was depressed, faking being happy meant that I could pretend I wasn't depressed. Plus, I hated being depressed so I tried my hardest to make other people happy. I didn't want them to feel depressed or sad because I know how it feels. Laughing always felt good, but mostly if it was a genuine laugh.
If someone is very content with being alone and occupying their time with their hobbies and seems to have no desire to go out and meet people, is there something wrong with them? Do they have a disorder they need to have evaluated?
How do you understand "at first you have to be happy alone to find a happy relationship"? Do you sometimes think about the relationship (or that you want to be in one) although you are happy alone?
