I Believe Life Is a Life Long Lesson
Ever seen the movie, "Rounders"? It's a poker movie with Matt Damon and Ed Norton (among others)...
There is a quote in the movie that I love, it comes from a poker book -
In "Confessions of a Winning Poker Player," Jack King said, "Few players recall big pots they have won, strange as it seems, but every player can remember with remarkable accuracy the outstanding tough beats of his career." It seems true to me, cause walking in here, I can hardly remember how I built my bankroll, but I can't stop thinking of how I lost it."
This really encompasses my perspective on life itself. I KNOW that I have lived a lucky life, and that most people who've taken the chances that I have, have not fared as well. I do not mean financially - I mean they aren't alive anymore, or potentially even worse - they lost many of their mental faculties.
It is a subject that confuses me greatly - why have drugs depleted others so dramatically and yet I have remained largely unharmed? I am not magical, I am not made of different materials, and yet - I have not (at least to my understanding - but are their respective mental losses visible to them?) suffered such disability.
Now, this wouldn't be so confusing if I had always been the guy choosing to "play it safe." If I was always taking a smaller dose, while watching my friends take larger doses of whatever drug; then I would immediately point to that as the reason. However, if anything, the situation was the opposite. I almost always was the CONNECTION for many of my fellow-users and as such, I could afford much higher quantities of the chemicals. I also viewed usage levels as somehow gauging the value of the person. With that in mind, I tried very hard to be a valuable person; I just was confused about what was imbuing a person with value.
So, why am I still "here" while so many of my friends are not? I even think of one, a former best friend, quite frequently. I always considered him TOUGHER than me, and I viewed him as having the perfect life. It fills me with sadness knowing that he did not have the chance to fulfill that entire life's worth of options. He had and has a wonderful family and the world is poorer for losing him so early.
He and I used to discuss other people overdosing and dying. We called the people "bubblegummers" and figured they made some mistake that we never could or would. I hate to say it, but I am not completely convinced that my friend died of an accidental overdose - much of the reasoning behind that feeling is just our past. We were good at riding the line, and it really confuses me that he could make such a mistake.
Anyway, back to the point to round out this writing... I know I've been lucky in my life. The facts that I am drawing breath and not requiring people to care for me, or locked behind bars; are incredible and fantastic facts. I should appreciate them and not take it for granted.
But - I want the reward for quitting and becoming responsible again. I want the American Dream - the life with a wife, kids, a house, a dog; and raising all those things. I feel that big corporations stole this potential of a future from me, and they did it so they could have some gold-plated silverware or something equally worthless. Because of that I feel wronged and it makes me "not want to play" or contribute to the economy.
How can I reconcile these issues and start moving forward in life? I feel that my debt is so large that it's just ruined my life. I mean, if I don't create a business and I work using my degree - it will take a minimum of 20 years to become WORTH NOTHING, instead of having a NEGATIVE WORTH.
How can I motivate myself to do that at 35? It feels like it's too late (or at least too late to live the life I envisioned - and I don't know if I'm willing to live another, at least by choice)
What a world... At least I'm on the right side of the dirt.
There is a quote in the movie that I love, it comes from a poker book -
In "Confessions of a Winning Poker Player," Jack King said, "Few players recall big pots they have won, strange as it seems, but every player can remember with remarkable accuracy the outstanding tough beats of his career." It seems true to me, cause walking in here, I can hardly remember how I built my bankroll, but I can't stop thinking of how I lost it."
This really encompasses my perspective on life itself. I KNOW that I have lived a lucky life, and that most people who've taken the chances that I have, have not fared as well. I do not mean financially - I mean they aren't alive anymore, or potentially even worse - they lost many of their mental faculties.
It is a subject that confuses me greatly - why have drugs depleted others so dramatically and yet I have remained largely unharmed? I am not magical, I am not made of different materials, and yet - I have not (at least to my understanding - but are their respective mental losses visible to them?) suffered such disability.
Now, this wouldn't be so confusing if I had always been the guy choosing to "play it safe." If I was always taking a smaller dose, while watching my friends take larger doses of whatever drug; then I would immediately point to that as the reason. However, if anything, the situation was the opposite. I almost always was the CONNECTION for many of my fellow-users and as such, I could afford much higher quantities of the chemicals. I also viewed usage levels as somehow gauging the value of the person. With that in mind, I tried very hard to be a valuable person; I just was confused about what was imbuing a person with value.
So, why am I still "here" while so many of my friends are not? I even think of one, a former best friend, quite frequently. I always considered him TOUGHER than me, and I viewed him as having the perfect life. It fills me with sadness knowing that he did not have the chance to fulfill that entire life's worth of options. He had and has a wonderful family and the world is poorer for losing him so early.
He and I used to discuss other people overdosing and dying. We called the people "bubblegummers" and figured they made some mistake that we never could or would. I hate to say it, but I am not completely convinced that my friend died of an accidental overdose - much of the reasoning behind that feeling is just our past. We were good at riding the line, and it really confuses me that he could make such a mistake.
Anyway, back to the point to round out this writing... I know I've been lucky in my life. The facts that I am drawing breath and not requiring people to care for me, or locked behind bars; are incredible and fantastic facts. I should appreciate them and not take it for granted.
But - I want the reward for quitting and becoming responsible again. I want the American Dream - the life with a wife, kids, a house, a dog; and raising all those things. I feel that big corporations stole this potential of a future from me, and they did it so they could have some gold-plated silverware or something equally worthless. Because of that I feel wronged and it makes me "not want to play" or contribute to the economy.
How can I reconcile these issues and start moving forward in life? I feel that my debt is so large that it's just ruined my life. I mean, if I don't create a business and I work using my degree - it will take a minimum of 20 years to become WORTH NOTHING, instead of having a NEGATIVE WORTH.
How can I motivate myself to do that at 35? It feels like it's too late (or at least too late to live the life I envisioned - and I don't know if I'm willing to live another, at least by choice)
What a world... At least I'm on the right side of the dirt.
