On a serious note...

Should I put myself back out there? Part of me is wishing for a genuine connection. But the rest of me, since the major incidents that've happened, I am comfortable in solitude. Idk if I'm better off alone because I'm just so use to it and I'm also just fiercely independent. Although, I feel like clinging to isolation is just symptom of said events (in previous posts) that perhaps I'm not doing myself any favors. Looking at it from a different perspective, I should push myself past the anxiety and trauma, but on the other am I just too damaged to even bother? Idk. I ask because I had dreamt recently I was hanging out with a random SO, and felt loved but woke with an understanding it's another goodbye to a life I'm not capable of having. Otherwise, I just suppress the thought and remain occupied to the passion of my work.

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Carissimi · F

It’s your choice, but I would not push through anxiety and trauma. I’m not sure one can push through trauma. You have to heal (as much as one can) before you subject yourself to the possibility of more because then you traumatize yourself more. You have to feel ready within yourself to put yourself “out there.” Out there is not too kind and friendly in these times. Even for a healthy person, not suffering these things, it can be quite a challenge. Maybe you could take a baby step or two, and have no, or very low expectations, if you feel up to it. Only you can know if you are ready.

RedGrizzly · 26-30, F

@Carissimi Good point. I suppose it wouldn't hurt for things to be more casual, but not in a way that means casual $3X. That's a trigger I can't help, but I'm here for the connection...which I don't think someone would be down for. Lol They'd say put me off as a friend if anything, which nothing wrong with that, but I'd feel as if I can't be enough for someone else even more than I do now. I just needed to think about this really since I the thought popped in my head from time to time.

Carissimi · F

I agree. Casual sex would most likely result in trauma upon trauma, and you may never recover from that.

I chose to be alone (well, I couldn’t call it a choice because I was so traumatized earlier on that I couldn’t get myself out of the house to grocery shop, let alone go on a date), rather than join the human jungle “out there,” after I became single. That was 10-years ago, and I remained alone, and never did date. I’m 10-years older now, and it’s too late for me for more reasons than age, but you still have youth on your side, and that’s no small thing. You can still hope, but you have to be wise, and change your thinking, if your thinking and expectations of what’s out there resulted in trauma. Then again, what do I know? I’m looking through the prism of my own experiences. @RedGrizzly

RedGrizzly · 26-30, F

@Carissimi it seems we're looking through the same glass. Unfortunately, my "hope" and "expectations" of something genuine and long lasting resulted into a couple of serious pitfalls. I know I'm too much to handle at times in the condition I'm in so that may have contributed to things, as well as the people I attract or am attracted to aren't great. I understand that now since I see patterns of behaviors that resemble those of liars, cheaters, narcs... ect... I know I'll be okay and well off from self reliance, it's just those moments where you have those late night convos talking about everything and nothing, exploring the world around you and sharing those highs and lows. Yeah... it was nice and I think I miss it a little...but I think I'm trying to decide if it's worth going through the ringer for again. I don't think so.

Carissimi · F

I understand. We can only take so much of that before we call time on it. I wish you well. @RedGrizzly

RedGrizzly · 26-30, F

@Carissimi Thank you for the mental tossel! I really did need to think on it and see other perspectives. I will try baby steps, but going as far as I've done before I'm not going to risk too much. And who knows, when I have the opportunity to go see a pro then maybe my outlook will change on it.

Carissimi · F

It’s wise not to risk too much, or invest yourself much, in anyone, while trying to heal. Time is the only great healer, well time and love, but love can be hard to come by. @RedGrizzly