I'm the worst son...
It took a dream to make me realize what a bad son I am... My parents passed away five years ago, overseas. My brother lived in the same city, not far from them, and it was only natural that he would look after them. When my parents passed away, he took care of all the arrangements.
My dad passed away in August 2018. He was never concerned with dates, things like birthdays, Father's Day, New Year... To him days were just "normal days", and there was nothing inherently special about "special dates" like that.
So when my ex-wife (of all people) called in August to asked me when my dad had passed away, because she had a dream about him a few days before (a very nice dream, she said, as he seemed very happy and relaxed), and I realized she had the dream on the exact day of his death anniversary, which I had completely forgotten, I didn't thought much of it, because, first, my dad was apparently very happy in his afterlife, and he never cared about these "special dates" such as birthdays or death anniversaries, anyways. Second, I thought he would totally understand me completely forgetting the 5th anniversary of his death.
Then last night I had this very unpleasant dream: my mother, who in the dream lived at my brother's house (while I lived in the same city as my brother) had passed away at home. The next day (in the dream), regardless, I went to work, because work priorities and such. My brother of course "would understand". By the end of the day (in the dream) I started feeling guilty: my mom had just passed away and I was having a completely normal day, as if nothing had happened, and I had left it to my brother to "deal with it". In the evening I went to my brother's house to check he was OK and that all the arrangements for my mom's funeral etc had been made. I got there and got sidetracked talking about a new car that belonged to my mom (in the dream... she didn't drive in real life) and we agreed that I would keep it, to replace my aging, battered car.
The I woke up and realized, WTF? My mom just *died* in the dream and I leave everything to my brother to deal with? And the next day I go to work as if nothing particular had happened? And I seem to care more about the damn CAR that about my mom's passing?
In that moment when I'm waking up and the brain is figuring out what's reality and what's a dream, I think... Oh, good, it was JUST A DREAM... What a horrible dream, my mom being DEAD!
Then I figure out that, in reality, she is dead indeed. She's been dead for five years, in fact, and I'm effectively an orphan.
But the worse is when I check the date of her death, which I didn't remember from the top of my head, but I knew was about a month and a half after my dad passed away. Turns out she passed away on October 7, so yesterday would have been the 5th anniversary of her death. And just like in the dream, I went about the whole day without a thought of her. It turns out that in real life I'm as callous and indifferent to my mother's death as in the dream. It took a dream to make me realize this.
No idea how to make up for it. I feel my mom is reproaching me from the afterlife for not thinking of her, and rightly so.
😓
My dad passed away in August 2018. He was never concerned with dates, things like birthdays, Father's Day, New Year... To him days were just "normal days", and there was nothing inherently special about "special dates" like that.
So when my ex-wife (of all people) called in August to asked me when my dad had passed away, because she had a dream about him a few days before (a very nice dream, she said, as he seemed very happy and relaxed), and I realized she had the dream on the exact day of his death anniversary, which I had completely forgotten, I didn't thought much of it, because, first, my dad was apparently very happy in his afterlife, and he never cared about these "special dates" such as birthdays or death anniversaries, anyways. Second, I thought he would totally understand me completely forgetting the 5th anniversary of his death.
Then last night I had this very unpleasant dream: my mother, who in the dream lived at my brother's house (while I lived in the same city as my brother) had passed away at home. The next day (in the dream), regardless, I went to work, because work priorities and such. My brother of course "would understand". By the end of the day (in the dream) I started feeling guilty: my mom had just passed away and I was having a completely normal day, as if nothing had happened, and I had left it to my brother to "deal with it". In the evening I went to my brother's house to check he was OK and that all the arrangements for my mom's funeral etc had been made. I got there and got sidetracked talking about a new car that belonged to my mom (in the dream... she didn't drive in real life) and we agreed that I would keep it, to replace my aging, battered car.
The I woke up and realized, WTF? My mom just *died* in the dream and I leave everything to my brother to deal with? And the next day I go to work as if nothing particular had happened? And I seem to care more about the damn CAR that about my mom's passing?
In that moment when I'm waking up and the brain is figuring out what's reality and what's a dream, I think... Oh, good, it was JUST A DREAM... What a horrible dream, my mom being DEAD!
Then I figure out that, in reality, she is dead indeed. She's been dead for five years, in fact, and I'm effectively an orphan.
But the worse is when I check the date of her death, which I didn't remember from the top of my head, but I knew was about a month and a half after my dad passed away. Turns out she passed away on October 7, so yesterday would have been the 5th anniversary of her death. And just like in the dream, I went about the whole day without a thought of her. It turns out that in real life I'm as callous and indifferent to my mother's death as in the dream. It took a dream to make me realize this.
No idea how to make up for it. I feel my mom is reproaching me from the afterlife for not thinking of her, and rightly so.
😓
