There is a fear rising in me.

This aloneness has led me to accept unhealthy treatment from others, and my own (personally) immoral actions continue to pile up. I am tired of the survival game. I am tired of doing everything because I can trust no one. The only safety is in sacrificing who I am. The years of this have taken their toll. I have lost pieces of myself, my favorite pieces, because I could not carry it all while continuing to inspire others. I have uninspired myself. I have voluntarily lost parts of myself to people and situations, to keep them, when they were all I had.

This is midlife I know. This is every new decade of my life producing new clarity, coupled with a world that continually changes.

It is hard to face with the load I carry now trying to not let it topple down onto my son and his life.

I'll never understand why nobody wanted us. I understand now, I'm tired and not fully myself, I'm not worth it.

My son deserves better though. I am fighting for him. I am fighting for myself for him. But I am tired. I don't want to fight forever.

It's just been a decade of sacrifice. A decade of alone. A decade of grieving. So long I fear it won't end.