what does your depression feels like to you? when do you know it's coming?

I'm not sure if I ever had real depression but when I am down, it always starts with [i]"what is the point of..."[/i] questions. It's a very dangerous field because I start questioning all my past actions, life decisions and future plans. I question everything. I focus only on negative things and everything feels completely futile and absurd. I wonder how can millions of people live like they live. Go everyday to work and back, eat, sleep, reproduce, have kids, bring kids to school, take kids home, cleaning on Saturdays, vacation in summer and back to work again. Work, work, work. Retire and die. Then I loathe myself that I wasn't able to manage my life better that I am probably going to be stuck at similar cycle for the rest of my life. Then instead of getting motivated to make things better for me I wallow in my misery, stare at stuff I should do to improve my skills and move forward in life but I can't find any mental strength to start.

Anxiety is much worse though. The onset of weird unrest, urge to walk around, shivers, tight chest, lump in throat, brain fog and urge to cry.