I’m sad. I don’t want to admit it. I keep deflecting. I’m sad because I just booked an expensive trip home and my dad doesn’t care.

I know he doesn’t care and I’m fine with it but I’m sad that he won’t even schedule a lunch or dinner with me. I havnt been home since 2015 particularly bc I wanted to avoid facing coming back to “no one”. The last time I saw him it took my friends mom to argue with him to spend time with me at the storage space. He never thinks of me. He only thinks of himself and he makes me feel like I’m taking too much of his attention, as if like I’m the one who’s selfish... I figured after 6 years he’d want to atleast see me for a meal. It’s expensive to travel out there so I can’t go often. I get one set of parents. My mom dies when I’m 16. And my dad abandons me. I replay this over and over again in my head, and I can’t believe it, but it’s true. My mother would be extremely disappointed. I expect she’d think that he might not be the greatest dad all the time but i don’t think she would think that he would go to the lengths he did of shedding responsibility for me. I suspect she’d hope that her death would bring us closer and he’d know me better... Yes, I am still blessed in other ways, but I still wish he cared. Cared enough to even reply to my message about how I was coming home. He could atleast say “oh shucks, I’m busy” or “Darn, I don’t think I can get that weekend off”. He could lie. Any response would be fine. It’s been almost 2 days and he still hasn’t responded.. I find myself making excuses for him as to why. But then I think of it as like a friend or a different person; if a friend or person didn’t respond in almost two days I’d assume they were either ghosting me, avoiding me, or simply just didn’t care *hands in the air* This isn’t how a father should be- im his Only Daughter- WTF is he doing!?...I’m sad too because I’m afraid I’m going to be sad once I’m there. I keep reminding myself though of the good times I had despite the outcome of my parents. There were good times too, and I think it’s important I remember them.Like singing recitals and playing four square in the street with Olivia, Rianne, Deezer. Rollerblading and jumping on the trampoline...I have plans to do activities while I’m there, so I shouldn’t be too bored, however boredom has been a slight concern, after all it is a small town....Even though I know my dad doesn’t care it still hurts. I feel so lonely, he’s alive and he only contacts me if he needs something it seems and it’s not fair that I have to decide if I should help him or not. I hear he’s doing better these days financially though. Sometimes I think my life is pretend but then it clicks again that it’s not, this is something I’ve done for years....I don’t want to be angry at him. I don’t want to push my feelings of being angry away either because no matter what excuses I come up for him, I deserve to be angry at him because -how he’s made me feel by his selfish actions over the years -are valid... I don’t understand why he doesn’t care... or why he isn’t atleast a bit curious about me and what my adult life is like...Did he not pay attention to anything I’ve ever done-Ever? Even in elementary school? Was I just too young to notice? Naive to believe he simply did care?... He’s a fool.