He made me not care about the little things, and now I don't care at all.

I wasn't allowed to feel sad or hurt or angry when he acted like a jerk. It was all just a "mistake" when he forgot me, when he left me behind. When he made my needs unimportant. When he refused to be there for me, gave me the silent treatment, lied, gaslit, manipulated and put himself irrevocably first.

So when he finally held me, finally let me feel pleasure, I couldn't feel anything.

Little by little the poison is leaving me.

I realize by hanging on, I'm not getting even with him, I'm healing myself. I'm watching myself and my reactions and working through inner changes that will help me grow beyond him.

So in truth, I am using him... and the pain he caused for personal growth.