I want to go back to school

I regret not finishing a bachelors degree and then getting a masters degree. If I could afford it, I would get two bachelors degrees and two masters degrees. The first bachelors and masters degrees would be English degrees: creative writing and journalism. The second bachelors and masters degrees would be history: public history and world history. My parents paid for me to go to university and I dropped out. 10 years ago. They were very disappointed I didn’t finish my degree as well. Student loans they now pay off for me make me feel guilty. I only have an associates degree which is not enough for me. This time around I need scholarships and grants to go back to school on a part time basis as an older student. I don’t know when that is going to be. I want to acquire vocational certificates and diplomas as well from home study programs in addition to my degrees. I feel like I let myself down instead of working a remote flexible schedule career for like the equivalent of 5-6 hours per day five days a week or getting paid per word, per page, per project, per audio minute or hour, per hour, or per graphic, image, or illustration., I am on disability benefits for my mental illnesses. The most I would work is 25-35 hours per week. I want to have a life outside of work when I eventually train for a work from home career. I would be highly -content with a take home pay of $50,000 to $100,000, but I might have to start with $30,000 to $45,000 which would get me off SSI but would not be much to live on after taxes. If I could have a take home pay of $100,000-$200,000 I would be ecstatic. Anymore than that would be me flying over the moon. I’ll have to start small though. By starting to work a little at a time and make $500-$1500 per month first on top of my disability benefits. I feel like I’m. Playing into. The stereotype of a gypsy being lazy and dishonest being on welfare benefits. I have multiple mental health disabilities including depression. Anxiety, ptsd and schizophrenia. But I feel ashamed of being on disability benefits and same way I'm living off my parents. Money, I feel that I'm living at the taxpayers expense. My parents wanted me before when I was younger. To have an higher education and a close to full time if not full time career and to live on my own and run my my own life. I really fucked up my life. I am looking at living in subsidized housing or section 8 housing in the future instead of finding a creative way to reduce my rental costs or live rent free or to build a house of cob or adobe and live mortgage free. I wish I used my infp strengths in the beginning to help myself. And I wish I never developed mental illnesses. I wish I could be thriving and functional and fully take care of myself. I will have to learn that before my parents pass away in a couple of decades. I think I will be limited by how much I can travel. And do things.i think I will have to deal with living relatively close to my parents for the rest of the time they are around for the supports. I used to have dreams of living far away in the southwest USA or living abroad in foreign countries as a digital nomad. Yes moving around different countries and around the USA every couple of months. In a way I was looking to go back to the way my ancestors lived long ago except in a luxury RV motorhome part time and a home base to come back to that was more permanent. My parents think being a digital nomad is not sustainable long term even if I was without mental illnesses. Those dreams probably aren’t going to happen for me. I will probably be stuck in New England until my parents move when they retire..oh joy why did my life have to come to this? I wish I never developed mental illnesses. And I’m not going to hear my parents criticize and disrespect me for my clothing choices for the rest of my life. My life will be limited I guess. Also my parents long ago before I had a mental breakdown years ago hoped someday I would get married. But I’m pansexual not straight. My parents knew and agreed having children was not for me but the life they had hoped for me when I was a young girl never came to pass. For the most part they wanted me to be happy. I think even living together with a man would have been a relief for them. I mean they were not opposed to me living on my own for a while to have that experience. They were even willing to consider when I was young letting me live at college. After a while they would just be relieved I could live on my own and take care of myself psychologically. And financially. I can stay in their house as long as I need and so can my sister but for me it comes with strings attached. I am not even allowed to drive anymore whereas in the past I could at least get around locally. They were always scared when I got behind the wheel of a car. My parents want me to keep my disability benefits and work as much is allowed. I am working with the department of mental. Health to eventually help me apply for subsidized or section 8 housing in the future and learn life skills to prepare me for living on my own. I never pictured my life turning out like this when I was much younger. I thought I would be fully independent and not need a case manager, psychiatrist or psychiatric nurse practictioner and therapist and peer support specialist looking after me. I didn’t learn how to pay bills, taxes, or navigate insurance. I didn’t keep up with household shopping and regularly cooking, cleaning though I do help with laundry sometimes. I never learned to balance a career with education and my hobbies/interests/talents/passions/skillsets/aptitudes and running a household like shopping and maintenance and volunteering. Also socializing with family and friends. I never met my adult milestones on my own. But I hope too as much as I can with help so I can eventually do it on my own. I should have naturally picked this stuff up but the mundane aspects of life did not interest me much. It’s a mixture of being an infp and mental illnesses. I also scored on some tests as an infj at times. I have to learn to take care of myself because my parents are not going to be around forever. I need to learn to dispense my own medication and everything. Last thing. I want later in life is to end up a ward of the state and be put into a group home or something.