Adjusting after loss is so hard. Fuck cancer.

But of background. In December of last year my dad fell very ill. This man was the most stubborn hard headed man I’ve ever met (and we loved him) and he was sick and losing weight for about a month and he ASKED to go to the hospital. He never does that. Off he went with the squad as he was too weak to stand without getting dizzy. When we went he was medically malnourished from barely eating. He was dehydrated, he looked… grey. Fragile. This strong man looked just. Awful. They found out he had covid, and pneumonia at the same damn time. He was put on meds and fluids. Within a week he was feeling good, starting to eat, getting weight back. The antibiotics messed with his kidneys but otherwise good. Got scheduled for physical therapy for 3 weeks. But before he went they found a “small mass” in his lung. Said it can be easily lasered out and all good. (It was benign) We expected that in some form. He smoked since he was 15. He was 62. They needed a pet scan to make sure there was nothing else, a week later he had his pet scan. There was very obvious cancer in his legs. His bones…. They couldn’t tell the severity at first. He declined a bit and a few days later it came back at stage 4 neuroendocrine cancer. Metastasized. We all worried. Did we see signs the last few years and didn’t know? Did he have issues and not tell us coz he hates us worrying? Could we have caught this sooner? Too many thoughts racing. And He kept declining. He was put on hospice. In the hospital he seemed to be “in and out of it” during care. Pain meds barely helped. He hardly talked. But gave us kids a huge “I love you, sorry I’m not the best dad, I want you to succeed “ etc etc speech, things none of us have ever heard from him. He was fragile, gray, so thin, so… defeated. He got worse and begged to not die in the hospital. I remember him saying “I’m so tired. I want to go” a few days later he was on hospice at home. Less than 2 weeks. He passed at 3am in his sleep. Peacefully. In mid January he was gone. It tore my family to shreds. We took it so badly. This gruff and rough around the edges man was so loved. So much crying and his funeral was simple, as he wanted. He was a marine. But didn’t want certain “bells and whistles” for his funeral. Would have been too much. Everything he wanted in death he got. What little money was left from his funds was given to us kids to pay off small debts. He got cremated and we have beautiful keepsake urns of him. My mom is adjusting horribly. Grieving so hard. She has medical issues and barely wants to even take her life saving meds coz she doesn’t want life without him. She loved him for 32 years. But does anyway for us kids, and grandkids. Every time I visit her It feels weird. Wrong. Used to seeing him in his easy chair laughing or watching tv loudly, and it’s just empty when I look at it. The house smells like him. His stuff still strewn about. He was always there for advice or to chat and bs about things. And he’s just gone. It took a month for him to die. And we all feel He should stil be here. My mom misses him, us kids miss him, my kids and nephew say they miss him. It’s so hard, and life couldn’t feel more empty, I miss you dad.