I have mental disabilities and am slowly learning adult living skills even though I would just rather pass away

But slowly practicing my adult living skills. Today I went grocery shopping for my stuff with my dad. He drove me to the grocery store and my parents stipulated each time I need personal groceries I need to go to the store to pick it up. Partly it’s very annoying as I am used to my grocery shopping being done for me on the common household list but they said when I live on my own I need to purchase my own things. So now every week or twice a week, I’m to be driven to the grocery store to purchase my own stuff with my cash or debit card. My dad makes sure I have a good $900-$1,000 on my card as he has a joint account with me at the bank that he can easily transfer money to me. He is the payee of my disability benefits and I collect about $ 700-$750 per month. Some of it is used to cover some of my expenses my parents have for taking care of me. Next I will learn how to withdraw money from an ATM and my parents will show me how to keep track of my account and bills online. I did see how much I had in my account online with a username and password and account information when I was at another credit union many years ago but I didn’t add very much to my account because my side gigs did not pay very much. I saved the receipt from the grocery store for some items at Walmart I paid $95. I am learning slowly so that I can get transitioned to living on my own in a few years with supported independent living environment or assisted living. I would have my own apartment. Although truthfully I would rather live in a house. And I am going to finish my vocational skills courses and adding a few more to help me land part time flexible remote work with certificates of completion and diplomas. Later on I will finish my degrees. My parents think I should stay on disability benefits so I can have a financial safety net and it includes health insurance through the state. My dad said I shouldn’t do anything to jeopardize my disability benefits because of my mental health conditions. I feel conflicted though because being on disability benefits means I’ll rely on the government for the rest of my life and I will remain poor. The only reason I’m not poor right now is because of my parents who are upper middle class and worked hard to get to that level with their careers. My mom came from a dirt poor family and my dad came from a family who lost a lot from a war and had to rebuild their lives to be middle class again. My mom had to work doubly hard just to get into the middle class. Sometimes I feel like a disappointment to myself and my family because I feel I should have been able to do better than be on disability. My disabilities are mental not physical. I fell behind a lot in life and didn’t achieve adult milestones on a regular timeline. Sometimes I just want it to be over and I just want to die peacefully and painlessly in my sleep. I have a mental health care team and will always have one. I wish I didn’t need a psychiatrist, therapist, clinician/case worker, and mental health outreach worker. Sometimes I feel I don’t want to improve or be an adult. I just want to pass on to the spirit world and watch over my family and ex boyfriend. The thing is I’m not going to hurt myself because then I’ll be institutionalized and lose my freedom and privacy. And it would devastate my family. So many of my dreams that I had are never going to come true for me. To make my dreams a reality I need a ton of savings and a very good paying career and also not have limitations. For example, my family doesn’t want me driving a car right now because of my delayed response times and they think it’s just very dangerous for me to be behind the wheel of a car. Granted when I was younger I did get into a couple of accidents. They may reconsider if I become much more alert and not easily distracted. My dad let me renew my license in case I got better and instead of having to apply for a license all over again, I could just get it renewed.if I can’t drive a car, I’ll never be able to drive an rv motorhome around and travel across the continent to see new places on my own or get my rv transported to other countries/continents. I don’t think I will ever travel on my own because I could get easily lost. I think I will always live close to family so I have support systems in place on top of my mental health care team. I will probably always be stuck in Massachusetts and New England unless my family moves after they retire or my sister finds a career somewhere else. Unless I can move with a spouse who will watch out for me and find a new mental health care team in another state or region of the United States and find a pharmacy close by that will take my prescriptions and refills, I am probably stuck in Massachusetts. I hate the climate up here most of the year and the fast pace of life even though Boston and New York are much more frenetic. I will never live in a foreign country or countries and work and study remotely while living there and traveling around. It is called being a digital nomad. I will always need to turn to someone if I have trouble understanding a certain insurance, bills, or taxes. I just feel sad I won’t be able to be fully independent and self sufficient. I will be lucky to be mostly independent and self sufficient with help and supports in place. I just feel sad I have these limitations. I don’t think I can handle a full time career or job. So I will have to stay on disability with a part time career and job. I will never be 100% on my own. I will have to work within my limitations to create the best life for me that I can. Eventually I will be responsible for myself because my parents as soon as I am able to take care of myself will no longer have to be my legal and medical guardians. My mother is an adult foster care family caregiver for me right now. My parents are looking to give me the tools so I can transition to a more independent living situation within a few years. I thank god everyday they didn’t put me in a group home where I would be supervised by staff in an institutionalized residential setting. I don’t want to live in such a restrictive environment with rigid rules and schedules. My parents think I would benefit from my own apartment and personal space in the future. Truthfully I would rather live in a house with a spouse even if it was a cottage. But the apartment living has someone to take care of the grounds keeping and shoveling snow in the winter. Or I would share a house with one -three close friends as long as we each got our own bedroom and bathroom but shared living rooms, kitchens, dining rooms, etc. maybe even have someone who was like a live in companion. it looks like an apartment in an assisted living or supportive independent housing community for me though with section 8 housing. I don’t want to go to a group home or residential care home. I feel like I could have done more in life. I could have done more to cultivate my hobbies/interests/ talents/passions/skillsets/aptitudes to an advanced level. I could have worked harder to save up enough money to travel the world and United States. I could have finished my first set of degrees BA and MA by now so in middle age I could have done my second set BA and MA. I could have worked a freelance career that could be done remotely and flexibly and purchased insurance through the freelancers union. I would have traveled and done research for my work. I should have finished my vocational training courses with certificates of completion and diplomas first to train for a remote flexible career before I went to university. Because I could have worked and went to school part time I wouldn’t have needed to take out student loans. I could have housesat across the world although I wonder where I would put all my papers from training online after I printed them out. The point is I could have saved on accommodation costs by house sitting and pet sitting. I could have volunteered a bit more. I could have had many more experiences that would allow me to grow. I could have traveled by myself, with a spouse, or with one or two friends.. but truthfully I would probably get lost. I could have gotten creative and found jobs that included housing so I could save on rent and utilities. I could have lived in interesting housing like houseboats, tiny homes, adobe/cob/strawbale houses, hotels, rv motorhomes, and eventually saved enough to purchase my own land. I could have lived in an ecovillage.. I could have volunteered to help in host homes for weeks at a time for work exchange so in return I would get accommodations. And meals provided. There are so many options out there but most are closed off to me because of my mental health conditions and limitations . I’m an also an introvert by nature so I wouldn’t want to live in a commune or anything. I could have tried cohousing communities or ecovillages to have a sustainable lifestyle and lower costs of living. I don’t know anymore. I always wanted a house to have on my own to have all the room for my things that I needed. I wish I never got hospitalized twice in my life in a psychiatric institution. I really screwed up my life. I never thought when I was younger that I would need government assistance and welfare to help me. Sometimes I just wonder if I should just find a kind, loving spouse who could financially support me while I work part time and I can go on their health insurance and they can look after me. But it seems like I will never own my own home and many aspects of life are too expensive to do it completely on my own. I also struggle with being alert and productive in the mornings and my energy does not kick in until the afternoon, evenings, and continuing late overnight into the early hours of the morning. I’m not ready to go to bed before 5-6 am. If I’m extra tired maybe 4 am. I often wish I could just pass away in my sleep. I don’t like the uncertainty of life and uncertainty of my future. I lost so much. I wish I didn’t even develop these mental illnesses and low motivation. My parents can only protect me when they are alive and well. Later on in life I will not have the protection of my family so I need a mental health care team and to be as self sufficient as possible. I need to push myself to be motivated and live life as best as I can. I can either live by myself or what is known as a shared living model. Anything but psychiatric hospitals, hospitals, jails, and restrictive group homes. I am often scared I will not fully be able to take care of myself. I don’t want to end up in institutionalized residential care. I also feel really depressed because I lost the love of my life and can never have him in my life again. I know I need to get my life together and take some initiative to advocate for myself instead of my parents advocating for me. My parents want to see me out of the house more and socialize with others. I just feel feel I do not want to be out more than once or twice per week. They would like to see me out two to three times per week at least. So every third Friday of each month, I’m to see my clinician out in the community at a place of my choosing at 2:45pm . And I see my mental health outreach worker once a week. My parents and my clinician/case worker wanted to see me go back to the recovery connection center to socialize on for example Mondays and Fridays since I liked the two groups they did: women’s empowerment and sound healing bingo. While I like the recovery connection center I don’t want to have to go every week. The people there are kind and supportive but I feel like I am ok. Especially since soon I am going to be busy with finishing self paced online vocational courses to learn job skills and either build a portfolio of visual design and web development projects ( skillcrush.com) or pass the final exams for my proofreading and editing courses ( knowadays.com) I need to pass because that’s the only way I will get a paid work trial at proofed.com and if I pass that I can be a full fledged freelancer on their platform for longer more complex projects after starting with shorter, easier documents. I will need to work to bring in a few hundred to a thousand dollars or one thousand five hundred extra dollars per month to cover my expenses with cost of living like for groceries, hygiene products, cleaning products, furniture, home decor, clothes and accessories, artwork and handicrafts, electronics, electric appliances, internet etc on top of reduced rent because of section 8 housing with utilities hopefully covered. I hope to pay only $300-$500 a month in rent and utilities with the government paying for the rest. I feel sad that I need government help but I am a vulnerable person who can fall through the cracks because of my disabilities. While my parents are alive and healthy I have the protection I need. I need to be self sufficient so that the state doesn’t take over as my guardian ( by the time my parents are really old I no longer want to have a guardian) and places me in some group home. I’m scared like crazy. I just wish sometimes I had a spouse who could look out for me and help me with adult tasks and would be my protection. I would like a devoted, kind, and wealthy spouse sometimes. I know that’s kind of making me a gold digger but if I married a wealthy spouse and worked part time on a remote flexible freelance career I would not have to be on disability because my spouse would provide for me. I never thought I would like to rely on someone else to give me the things I want in life when I was younger, but I didn’t factor in my mental illnesses and limitations. I feel conflicted and don’t want to struggle financially. My parents will probably set up a disability trust for me so I can have extra money. I don’t think I can hack a full time job/career which is a problem with cost of living expenses today. My parents think depending on a romantic partner or spouse is a bad idea because they could abuse me or trap me in unwanted circumstances because I rely on them. I just wish sometimes I wasn’t brought into this world. I stayed an extra two weeks in my mothers womb from when I was supposed to be delivered. I think I knew even then life would be a struggle. I don’t think I will overcome these diseases sometimes and many of my dreams will not come true because of my limitations with motivation and mental illnesses. I would probably get lost doing certain things on my own. I even parked somewhere two or three times in my life and forgot where I put the car and panicked and this was when I came out of the mall at night and lost track of where I parked my car in a large park etc. I have been very panicky and forgetful during those times. Or I needed help finding my car while I was in downtown providence Rhode Island with a security guard from one of the local college campuses who was kind of enough to help me find my car. All this at night mind you. I have gotten myself into some awkward situations. I feel looking back I made my life a mess. There were signs something was not quite right with me. I hate being a diagnosed depressed schizophrenic. Also I have rules in my house like no walking by myself at night once it gets dark around our neighborhood. I find this rule restrictive as I know my neighborhood very well and can find my way back home. Because of my disabilities, I have always acted and been treated as younger than I am. My parents are now making me go grocery shopping every week to purchase my own stuff that I need when I just had it picked up for me with the family household list before because I’ll need to go grocery shopping when I live on my own. Since I was a child, I wanted to be an adult so I could make all my own choices and be responsible for myself but now that I am an adult I wish I could be a young kid again so I don’t have to face the unforgiving, scary world and this time have the childhood and youth I wanted. I’m just a mess. My parents piss me off and drive me crazy, but I’m also scared to navigate this world without my parents, sister, and extended family. I should be better prepared for the real world but I’m frightened to do anything by myself. I would rather slounge in bed and shut my eyes and dream about fantasy worlds I made up , music, books, tv series and movies, and imagine about my ex boyfriend. I don’t want to face the real world and its disappointments with my life limitations.