I have been feeling morbid and depressed

I have pictured myself at my funeral and being in at home in my bed ready to die. I imagined saying goodbye to my family and friends. My therapist and psychiatrist are both very concerned about me. They know I have cancer and wondered if I needed a higher level of care to make it through my depression. I have increased my medication to help with mood but seriously what the fuck is it going to do? I am sick after all if only at stage 2. I feel partially ready to die and say goodbye to life. Also where the hell do they think I’ll have time for higher intensive treatment I started cancer treatment and for me it’s brutal. It’s luckily not doing it everyday all week as my parents still have to work sometimes. They probably will be taking a family medical leave because of me. And my fucking ex boyfriend who was also my friend after the breakup until he got engaged and broke off the friendship doesn’t even have the decency to check in on me and see if I’m all right not even an email or text message from all the way in India though I have messaged and emailed him that I have cancer. He used to be so kind and compassionate towards me but now radio silence. I assume he doesn’t want to upset his wife and maybe no longer feels obligated to be concerned with my well being. I am so hurt and disappointed . Not even when I am sick does he care about me anymore. So much for his promise to always stay friends before he met his wife. My therapist says it is not healthy to hope to hold onto a friendship because I am sick. He may care but won’t have any sort of relationship really a friendship with me. I have had to resist the urge to kill myself because I have cancer and don’t want to end up in a psychiatric hospital or on suicide watch or put my family through more hell than they have already experienced. I also have had instead of weight loss weight gain and am trying to find new coats that fit me. I outgrew many of clothes from two years ago. I have a lot less in my closet now to wear. I didn’t know weight gain could be a side effect of.certain kind of cancers but it can. I’m cursing my luck. Luckily I have disability benefits to help my parents with some of my upkeep including finding new clothes for me. Also it doesn’t help that I am sedentary and have absconded walks the last few weeks. I am in a really dark place right now.